When Stress Takes Its Toll on a Marriage

My husband texted my yesterday while I was at work saying that he was depressed. I immediately snapped on him for whatever reason I had at the time, but I look back on it now and feel bad. I got home from work, he put our 1 year old to bed and I sat down and tried to talk to him. A lump instantly formed in my throat and I was holding back tears the whole time we talked. He started off saying "nothing is wrong" "don't worry about it" "I'm not depressed". But I knew something was bothering him. I finally got it out of his stubborn mind: He feels trapped. Like a prisoner. That he's living in fear.

I wanted to go into defense mode right away, saying "You feel trapped in our marriage, you don't want to be with me anymore". But I didn't. I just sat there and asked him questions, listened to him. And then I broke down, realizing I'M the one making him unhappy with his life. Never in a million years would I want to be responsible for making someone else's life miserable. I took a good look at myself and what I've become. A controlling b!tch of a wife who takes every last bit of life's problems out on my husband. He thinks that things will never change. That's why he didn't want to tell me his problems last night. He thinks telling me will only make things worse and nothing will make a difference.

Today is day #1 of proving him wrong.

He feels like he goes to work, fearing he's going to get fired, get demoted or get in trouble with something. Then comes home, fearing what I have to start a fight about now. What he did do what he didn't do what he spent money on, or didn't spend money on. Money is a huge issue in our marriage, and I've nearly begged him to go to marriage counseling, he refuses. He has his own reasons, which is fine, but things obviously aren't getting better between us, and as our 1 year old daughter gets older, and starts to see the tension between us, I don't want her growing up to think this is okay.

Because that's one thing my husband brought up to me last night: I'm exactly like my mother. When I reach out to her, because I need help or I'm depressed, she turns things around to make them worse. He brought that to my attention in a text message: "I'm depressed, go to you, my wife, for help, and you make things worse than they already are, Kind of like what your mom does to you, huh?" That one hurt. A lot. Because as much as I love my mom, I don't want to be her. In any way, Ever.

I will admit, I've been controlling. I've been a b!tch. I've been difficult to deal with, to open up to. I make everything an argument. I complain nonstop and I say hurtful things, knowing its going to cause a problem. My husband isn't perfect either. He wastes money on things we don't have the money for. He never opens up to me and lets me know what the problem is, and he takes his anger out on me, by ruining my day. We're both guilty of creating a crappy marriage atmosphere. We BOTH need to change.
So my task for this week: Be a happier person. Stop and think before I start causing problems and say something stupid. Choose my battles wisely. And just become the laid back, happy, positive person that he fell in love with 4 years ago. I just don't know how to go about all this in the world we've now created for ourselves. Stressful, busy, and unorganized.

I guess there's more to this than what I've said, but the main thing is that my husband is unhappy, and now I need to change that!