HOW DO YOU COPE with SOMEONE WHO is MENTALLY ILL

This is so hard for me to talk about, I don't know where to begin, or how to deal with all the stress going on in and around my home. It is hard accepting the blame for my contribution to the chaos in our lives, and the guilt feelings in thinking and feeling the way I do.

When I was growing up as a child, I was living with a very abusive parent. My father, he was not a good person. He abused my mom horrably, and even though I was young I can remember the things he would do to her, and his verbal abuse as well. He was an alcoholic, musician, and womanizer. My mom took the brunt of all his abuse. And then one day he started molesting me. I was young and thought it was his way of showing me he loved me, maybe too, I was afraid of him. Long story short, one day I told a family member what he was doing and she told my mom. At that time, I didn't know it, but it was probably the best thing that could have happened, my siblings and I paid a price for it, but it gave my mom the courage to get away from him. Although in the end the courts had to release him, my mom was free of him. My siblings and I we had to spend time in a guardians home. The sad part was when it was over, mom was free of him, the girls didn't have to be around him, it wasn't over for my brothers, they had to go live with him and the wicked step mom.. Where they continued to be abused. How I wished that my father and step mother would die...........I am so sorry for the thoughts, but he was a mean and vile person. I hated him, now he is gone, and I try to forgive him, but will never forget what he had done, how he messed up our lives.

After that thru the years it wasn't easier, my mom had to work, and we were still small, so she had to have a sitter, mom worked 3 jobs, that is when Bill and Linda came to stay with us. One evening my grandparents were visiting us, mom at work, my sisters and I were in the kitchen arguing about doing dishes, who was doing what, and Bill came into the room and somehow, i got wacked up side the head with an iron skillet. Well needless to say, that did not sit well with my grandparents, before I knew it I was living with my grandparents. My life was changing. But my memories were still there. The pain, humilation, and anger was still part of my everyday life. I could go on and on with all that went on from day to day, but then this would be a book and not a blog.

The long and short of it all is, I grew up, got pregnant and married. I graduated high school which was a plus, if I could go back and change anything, I wouldn't have gotten married then, even though I was pregnant, well much as I love my children, I wish I had made different choices, gone to college, got a career, married later in life and had children, but my life is what it is, and we can't go back and change things, no matter how much we wish.

I had 3 children, we never had a lot, lived pay chek to pay check. My husband much as I loved him, was a great womanizer, he loved women and having affairs. He loved to come home and take it out on me, especially if I was mad or upset with him. He would turn his faults around on me and make it all my fault, so he knew how to work on my self esteem, I had none. I suffered his verbal and physical abuse. I tried a few times to leave him, but went back after promises things would be different. They never was. I stayed depressed all the time. Got counceling some times. I can't remember if it ever helped or not. Apparently not. If how I raised my children are an indication of it. Finally after more than 15 years of this, I filed for a divorce, I stilled loved him and missed him. I just couldn't live like that anymore.

My children were still young, my oldest, David was 15 at the time. I can't begin to tell you how damaged my children became because of me and their dad, but mostly me.....I wanted so much to be around happy people, laughter, and I was lonely, I wanted someone to love me. I went the wrong way for my search for some happiness.