Doing the Zombie Walk

Dealing with some major changes in my life has made me realize that I cannot remember the last time I had an honestly happy day. I cannot remember the last time I came home from an outing and felt like I had a fantastic time. I cannot remember the last time I had a good, long laugh. I cannot remember the last time I was actually enjoying life and what it was offering me.

I am not miserable per se. I don't go around trying to bring everyone down with me the way some people do. I simply keep to myself and don't expect anything from anyone. When did I become such a zombie? The truth is, I would have loved to feel this way about a year and a half ago when I let my life fall apart due to a broken heart. I wish I would have been indifferent to the fact that the person I fell in love with, and who I thought had fallen in love with me, no longer wanted to be with me. Instead, I let my aching heart lead me down a path of destruction and I suppose I am still trying to climb out of that hole.

I have made a conscious effort to try and get back who I was before this happened and I'm disappointed that I might have lost that part of myself forever. That confident, funny, active woman and great mama I was in March of 2009. Where did she go? Was she really erased? Now, I just walk through life just trying to survive each day which is a pretty pathetic existence. Though I have made the huge, great decision to go back to school, I wish I could feel a little more content about it. I wish I could feel excitement and true happiness and I just can't seem to bring those feelings to the surface. I don't feel anything other than frustration about not feeling anything. I used to have my medication to blame but I have been off of it for a few months now so I'm not sure why I continue to feel so unemotional about everything...nothing phases me.

I am hoping that going back to school and being in different environment with new responsibilities will bring out those hidden feelings. I'm not sure how much longer I can survive feeling so extremely numb. Maybe change is the answer? I'll be walking around campus, with a few hours of free time between classes and the time I have to pick up my daughter which is something I haven't had in years and more years…free time. Meeting new people and learning new things will also help, I hope. Maybe my brain is just stuck in a rut and new experiences will awaken it again.