pantiesAs women, we often put ourselves through a lot of unnecessary and sometimes painful rituals to please a man. I've even heard of women waking up hours before their boyfriends so they can put on their face. I, for one, have never done so. If you subtract an hour from my beauty sleep, you shall feel my wrath! But I have done certain things to please my man. Sometimes without asking if it matters to him or not. Women assume. We think, he'll like us with less hair (down there) or the he hates our morning breath. He'd rather see me in six-inch stilettos and a pound of makeup than in a pair of flats or fresh faced. Well, I am here to stand up for woman kind! Here are five things that I refuse to do for a man again.
Related: 20 funny excuses women give to get out of sex
The Brazilian Wax
I once had a boyfriend who wanted me to go all the way bare down there. And so I decided to try it for him. I booked an appointment at Bliss Spa and let some stranger get all up in my nether region with hot wax. I cried. I screamed. I told her to stop when she asked me to get in a froggy position. And I promised to never put myself through that torture for a man again! Besides feeling like an infant (I am a woman and women have hair), I am not a fan of pain. My future husband is just gonna have to love my Chia Pet as is.
When I was a teenager, my older cousin advised me to buy and wear matching underwear. It's sexy, she said. Men like it, she promised. And so I followed suit, refusing to buy anything but underwear sets. Forget the five for $10 panties in the bin. I had to make sure they matched and were lacy and feminine because guys like that! Then I became sexually active and realized men don't even look at our underwear as they are too busy taking them off in 2.2 seconds. And so a green bra with orange underoos it is.
I don't find thongs comfortable and women who say that they are make women like me look bad. Still, when I was in a relationship I always wore thongs because they are considered sexy. But it wasn't my then boyfriend's fault. I blame Sisqó's thong song for the negative portrayal of grandma underwear. Even though they give us actual coverage and I don't feel like I have a perpetual wedgy, grandma underwear are laughed at and neglected. I say lets make a new song and sing proudly, "That grand ma ma ma ma!"
Excuse Me, I Dont Fart
I've never farted in front of a partner. If there wasn't a bathroom that I could run to, I wouldn't break wind. I would just hold them in. Oh, the torture I put myself through when cuddling on the couch with my man. We'd be watching a movie and the only thing I could focus on was not letting one go. Never again. I will be free and release my flatulence. Men never hold it in so why should we?
Fake an Orgasm
Sorry future husband! I will not fake an orgasm to make you feel better. Instead, I will actually let you know in hopes I can help you find my spot. So, leave your ego at the door, lover, and prepare for some honest love making. My chia pet deserves it.
-By Sujeiry Gonzalez
For 15 ways women are ruining their sex lives, visit Babble!
MORE ON BABBLE
7 things ALL women want in bed
13 tips for snagging a man (circa 1938)
20 things you should never say during sex