You sprinted into my life with your beautiful smile and your playfulness
Our first date was magical
I fell in love with you
I loved you from the moment I set my eyes on you
You were the man that I had been waiting for
Tall
Charming
Big build
Muscular- there are some muscles hidden under the flab
Oh yes I love you - disturbed young man
Your life is full of pain
I can feel your pain
And the charm you use to hide that pain
Underneath all that complexity is a lovely man
A sweet man I want to have children with
Even though I see every man I go on a date with as a future husband
You are special
You make me feel like a woman
I have always said that a man should make you feel good after having sex
And my oh my, you made me feel like a princess after our first night
How I loved seeing your beautiful smile when I got up on our 2 nd night together
How I loved seeing you walk away from me because I was appreciating your behind
What am I doing?
I kept asking myself as we walked, talked, meditated and laughed
Yes I fell in love in you
I fell deeply, in love with you ???????????????
But I know deep down that it would not work
I did not follow the rules
I brought the real me out too early and if you trust what is written online
I have been doomed to the dreaded one night stand category
Why does this feel so unfair?
Because I am miss chaotic
I don't know where my life would be today, tomorrow or the day after
I had to weigh my options
Have fun, enjoy the moment, enjoy spending time with you or
Take the risk of not being with you and never seeing you again
Bottom line is I took the easy way out
I had sex with you
The first time was terrible - you know what I mean
But having you next to me
Holding me
Listening to your deep breathing as you fall asleep
Having to smell you body
Having to share time with
Being close to you
Feeling you right next to me
Oh my oh my, that is priceless
Yes I can not put a price on it even though 2 days later
Here I am writing this
Missing you
Wishing you were here
Wishing for a magic wand that would turn you into my prince charming
I ask myself- why cant I get it all?
Why is life so unfair?
Why cant I see you again?
I know the answers and I know what is definitely going to happen, but I can not stop wishing for a different stand
You had your way
You have moved on
This was IT
Spend time with an exotic girl and have your way with her
As the saying goes, no one can make you feel worthless unless you let them
I did let you
Even as I am writing this, even though every bone in my body tells me that you are not right for me, I still wish I could see you again
I still wish I could have your babies
Yes I started taking folic acid a night after I had sex with you - you called it making love
As it was fun, it was exciting, I felt close to you more than I had ever felt for any man in along time
Yes we made love as I was in love with you and I loved every minute of it
I really wish I could get pregnant
Keep a piece of you forever
That would be awesome
I now you are damaged
The issues you have I can not deal with them
But I still want a piece of you
I do not want to marry you but I want to be with you
To make love to you
To have your babies
Yes, with you, I WANT IT ALL
I want you
I want you to be the father of my children
I want to have sex with you again
I want to recreate our magic moments
But I know you are like the wind
I can feel you but I can not see you
I can see the results of your power but still not see you
Cry at the destruction you will always leave behind because you can
I cry for myself
For my stupidity
For my lack of self power
For my instability
For the vulnerable position I have put myself in
I am running out of steam as this is all too much for me
Was it worthy it? Yes
I felt like a woman AFTER having sex - that is not an easy achievement
You made me realise I am worthy it and strange things can happen
You gave me hope even though it was for 2 seconds
You are the first man I have walked out with who has shown that he is interested in being with me
I enjoyed your public display of emotion
The little kisses in public
Holding hands
Drinking coffee
Sharing a smoke
Reading and just enjoying each other company
ohhhh, now I am sad because you are what I want in a relationship
Do you have to be so damaged?
Do you have to be so unavailable?
Do you have to be so troubled?
