By Aaron Traister, REDBOOK
Let's start with the misses, the low lights, and the general suckiness because, really, that was most of the show. Seriously, when It came to the performances it was like watching the Flyers play the Rangers: You're sitting there thinking, "How do you not show up for this one?" Whitney Houston, the biggest voice in music, just died unexpectedly. This is the woman who formed the Holy Trinity of Pop Music in the 80s along with MJ and Madonna, and you give Paul McCartney 20 minutes to sing his new stuff!?
Okay, let's get into it:
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Chris Brown: I know there has been a lot of controversy surrounding Chris Brown performing at the Grammys, but we can't constantly keep punishing people for their crimes after they've served their time. If we want to cut recidivism rates and make sure people can rise above their worst moments, then we need to try to fight the urge to stigmatize convicts upon their release from prison...wait, what's that? Chris Brown didn't go to jail? Not at all? He was riding jet skis around two weeks later the incident in the car? Really? No in-patient counseling or treatment at a court-appointed facility? But I saw those pictures of Rihanna after he abused her; she had to be hit in the face hard and repeatedly to end up looking like that. That's straight-up assault. People go to jail for straight-up assault. He didn't need to perform at the Grammys. That's not redemption, that's just marketing. No one needed to give him a standing ovation, and he certainly didn't need to take the stage twice, especially since both performances were (to borrow a line from Whitney Houston) "Whack."
Rihanna: Apparently Rihanna was irked about performing after the man who beat her, because she came out dressed as Tina Turner. Too bad she didn't bring Tina Turner's attitude. It's hard to make Rihanna boring, and yet somehow Coldplay managed to do just that. It's like Chris Martin has become a Tylenol PM pill in human form. They should really change the name of that band to Out-Coldplay, or maybe Adam Duritz and Chris Martin should form a group and call it Counting Sheep.
Beach Boys/ Maroon 5/ All the Other Kids Guys: OOOOOOOhwoooweeooooo...They've got the moves like old folks! They got those moves like old folks! Seriously, you can do a live performance or you can do a tribute-you can't do both at the same time. Pick a lane. No one looked happy during this performance.
Paul McCartney: Whenever "Sir Paul" appeared on stage it reaffirmed my total commitment to Team Ringo now that George is dead. Why is PM allowed to play anything written after 1975? The Grammy people would have had the guy from Maroon 5 assassinate Brian Wilson on stage if he tried to play anything from Smile, let alone something cobbled together during the last 5 years. Bon Iver: Get over yourself. It's the Grammys dude, whatever street cred you had is gone. Don't try to be clever or seem bewildered at how popular you are. This is what you have been working for. It's not like you were plucked out of Indie obscurity because you're special; just thank your agent and publicist and move on.
Nick Ashford: Finding out Nick Ashford died was a definite lowlight. How did I miss that one?
Nicki Minaj: Wasn't trolling the Catholic Church Madonna's job back in 1992? Is that what Nicki Minaj was even doing? I don't know and don't care. All I know is Ashford is still dead, and Nicki Minaj is still not Lady Gaga or Madonna.
Paul McCartney (again): Really? Because once was more than enough. I love the Golden Slumbers Medley but it felt like I was watching my uncle earnestly performing it at my cousin's Bar Mitzvah. Team Ringo.
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