Why I'll NEVER Get My Teeth Whitened at a Mall (But How I Keep Them Sparkly Nonetheless)

Call me a shrinking violet, but the mere prospect of getting my teeth whitened at a mall ranks right up there with sucking face with Flavor-Flav. I'm not doing it. It's not just because you're made to lie down with goggles on as some eerie blue light emanates from within while kids on leashes (what's UP with that, people?) and sundry Hot Dog on a Stick aficionados meander by and stare.

Related: How to Get a Movie Star Smile

It's also that it seems wrong on several levels. Much in the same way that you shouldn't pick your nose in public or, say, shave your legs on the bus, personal grooming matters, like having your teeth whitened, should be relegated to private salons or, here's a novel concept : a dentist's office.

Of course, going to the dentist to have him up the wattage of your whites is expensive and time-consuming and, if you have a sensitive gag reflex, downright unpleasant. Happily, there are ways to fake having a movie star smile that don't involve large sums of money exchanging hands or scads of time spent preening. See the 8 fast tricks to whiten teeth now.

TAKE A SHOT OF VODKA

Here's the bad breath cure you've probably never tried: Order a cocktail with vodka. "Vodka kills bacteria that causes bad breath," says Irwin Smigel, DDS, creator of SuperSmile, Just make sure to avoid the sugary mixers, which will only aggravate your bad breath.

WEAR RED LIPSTICK (WITH BLUE UNDERTONES)

We love makeup, which is why this tip is especially awesome (not to mention easy): Choose a red lipstick with blue undertones to instantly make your teeth look whiter, says Gregg Lituchy, DDS, of Lowenberg, Lituchy & Kantor in New York City. Blue is a cool undertone that's opposite of warm-based tones, like orange and yellow. So wearing a blue-based color on your lips will counteract any yellow in your teeth, making them look whiter than they are. On the flipside, orange-based lipsticks will highlight any yellow in your teeth. Want a new lipstick? See the 9 hottest hues to wear here.

WEAR BRONZER

Another makeup technique that can make your teeth look brighter is wearing bronzer. "It provides a greater contrast between your skin tone and your teeth," says Lituchy, which makes teeth appear brighter. When choosing a bronzer, make sure to stick with a matte finish, and apply the bronzer in the shape of the number "3" alongside your face: temples, the hollow of your cheeks, and chin. See how to use bronzer with this video tutorial.

USE AN ON-THE-GO CLEANING GEL

Picture this: You're on a dinner date and having a few glasses of wine, but instead of focusing on how great the date is going, you're inwardly cringing because you know that pinot noir is ruining the whitening treatment you just did. While whipping out your toothbrush in a fancy restaurant isn't exactly the classiest move, you can use a drop of on-the-go cleaning gel like Supersmile Quickie Whitening Tooth Polish, $16. Smigel says the calcium peroxide in this gel banishes bad breath and cleans up any excess food particles on your enamel. Just apply a dab on your tongue and roll it around your upper teeth to freshen and clean your mouth, no rinse necessary.

Related: 1-Minute Smile Makeover Tricks

COAT YOUR TEETH WITH VASELINE

Alright, this one sounds pretty gross -- but this mother of all healers can protect your teeth from stains. Just rub a thin layer of the jelly onto your teeth and it will keep food and drinks from staining your pearly whites, says Lituchy. Sure, it might feel a little weird, but it's worth it when you know that coffee won't be doing a number on your pearly whites.

EAT STRAWBERRIES FOR DESSERT

Dentists tell us we should brush after every meal, but sometimes it's just not possible. The (delicious) alternative: Eat strawberries for dessert. The red fruit has a high percentage of folic acid, which naturally exfoliates and cleans your teeth, says Smigel. Into DIY products? Smigel says you can even mash some strawberries, mix them with baking soda, and brush your teeth with the mixture for a natural whitening alternative to toothpaste.

Related: 9 Best and Worst Foods for Healthy Skin

ORDER CHEESE WITH YOUR WINE

We all know the usual suspects that stain your teeth -- soda, coffee, and red wine. But did you know that white wine can actually lead to more staining than that glass of red? "White wines are more acidic than red, which disintegrates the calcium in your teeth more quickly, making teeth more porous and more susceptible to staining," says Torrado. So stick with the reds and the next time you're at a tasting, take a bite of cheese before you sip on your pinot grigio. Torrado says the calcium in the cheese will create a film over your teeth, preventing any erosion from the wine's acidity.