Blog Posts by Bonnie

Blaming something or someone else when we are angry, criticized, or thwarted in any way is as common among humans as laughing or crying. We naturally and automatically defend ourselves when we feel attacked, but each one's perception of what amounts to an attack is up to individual interpretation. Unfortunately many parents feel under attack from even their smallest child. So we blame.

Blaming another for what is my problem, my responsibility, is clearly learned. To take responsibility for ourselves-our own behavior and emotions-is hard. We want others to suffer when we suffer. It's called retaliation. I believe that comes from being blamed. We learned it a long time ago.

Whenever we feel blamed for anything, we typically get defensive. So does your child. "What did you do now?" "Why are you always doing that?" "I can't leave you alone for a second!" "How dare you?" "How many times do I have to tell you…?" Just a tone of voice can send blame showering over a child. It fills

When my daughter Molly was five, I was exhausted. I couldn't see a way out of our daily power struggles. She was pushing all my buttons and I was reacting with hostility. But it was the mental notes playing in my head that got me the most. I was worried we would fight always. Fortunately I was wrong.

One morning, the same whiny, angry face with its protruding bottom lip approached-but something was different. Every other morning when I saw this face, I thought to myself, "She's out to get me." This particular morning I thought, "Wait a minute, she's not out to get me. She's miserable." Suddenly I saw her differently. Instead of a resistant, defiant-okay I'll say it-brat, I saw a very upset little girl who didn't want to separate from me. I was battling her and she was anticipating the battle. It was all she could do to get me to understand her, and I wasn't cooperating.

My shift in perception-she wasn't being a problem, she was having a problem-changed our relationship. Yes,

How well does your child manage adversity, cope in difficult situations, and learn from disappointments? In other words, how resilient is she? We often think our job is to protect our children from tough situations, but in fact, our protection is only protecting us. We don't want to deal with their anger, sadness, and fear. In many cases, we were not allowed these feelings as children so we don't know how to manage our children's feelings. It's easier if they don't have them.

When we overly protect our children and try to make them happy, we inadvertently reduce their ability to cope with life's inevitable frustrations and situations beyond their control. Their problem solving muscles atrophy so their answer to "What do you think you can do about that?" becomes "I don't know."

Building resilience in children requires us to:

1. Trust our child's ability to cope.

2. Convey in words and body language confidence in their capacity to rebound from disappointment.

3.

How well does your child manage adversity, cope in difficult situations, and learn from disappointments? In other words, how resilient is she? We often think our job is to protect our children from tough situations, but in fact, our protection is only protecting us. We don't want to deal with their anger, sadness, and fear. In many cases, we were not allowed these feelings as children so we don't know how to manage our children's feelings. It's easier if they don't have them.

When we overly protect our children and try to make them happy, we inadvertently reduce their ability to cope with life's inevitable frustrations and situations beyond their control. Their problem solving muscles atrophy so their answer to "What do you think you can do about that?" becomes "I don't know."

Building resilience in children requires us to:

1. Trust our child's ability to cope.

2. Convey in words and body language confidence in their capacity to rebound from disappointment.

3.