By Anna Breslaw
1. You look so skinny!
As opposed to before, when you had Velveeta running through your veins instead of blood.
2. You look so healthy!
You look fatter than you did last time I saw you.
3. [if your hair is not straight naturally, but you straightened it for a day] Your hair looks so good today!
When you tone down your unique physical attributes to align with conventional beauty standards, you actually look kinda pretty!
4. You're pretty for an [ethnic group.]
Thanks? You're about as ugly as most racists are.
5. Your shoes look so comfortable.
Ew, those are such sad "I-don't-even-try-to-be-a-woman-anymore baby boomer hag with three wolf moon t-shirts who lurk in the self-help section of Barnes & Noble" clogs.
6. You're such a strong person.
If I had experienced the series of misfortunes that