Blog Posts by Jenny Isenman from TheSuburbanJungle

Ecard ...

"Well Jenny, cough again, but harder this time," said Dr. Pollen from her cushy position directly underneath me and looking up into my nether regions. How did the doctor get such a view, you ask? I was on a special type of birthing chair (one that was probably used in the Salem Witch Trials). Not only was there barely any seat to hold me up, I was hoisted about 6ft in the air, so that the doctor's assistants (people with weird fetishes who pay to be called doctor's assistants, as I like to call them) were looking my vajajay dead in the eye, ahem, the labia. The doctor then sat on her stool and literally rolled underneath me as if she was checking out my chassis. Which makes sense because she did mention the need for a tune up.

MORE HUMOR FROM THE SUBURBAN JUNGLE: HOLY CRAP, MY EYELIDS DON'T MATCH ANYMORE AND OTHER AGING REVELATIONS

Why would one sit on such a chair without being dared or paid? Because apparently I have all kinds of prolapse (that's stuff caving in and

Read More »from What's a Little Peeing in Your Pants Between Friends?

40 things ...

I recently read a sentimental piece about the 30 things every woman should have and know by 30. Shockingly, I could check many of those items off my to-do list. What's more shocking is that I'm not 30 anymore, not even close.

A whole decade has passed. Where did it go? An amazing husband, multiple careers, a recession, two incredible children, and the blink of an eye later, I'm 40. There are many subtle yet life-changing differences a decade makes. (This may not be as sentimental as it's predecessor, but hey, I'm a humor columnist).

By 40, you should have…

1. Access to a great therapist, a great dry cleaner, a great hair stylist, and a great lawyer... but mostly a great therapist.

2. Cellulite that you play with when you sit "criss cross applesauce."

3. The knowledge that the position I just referred to was once un-PC-ishly called "Indian Style."

4. Enough videos and pictures of your children to fill a credenza.

5. A credenza ... or at least know

Read More »from 40 Things Every Mom Should Have and Should Know by 40

Beach vs Water Park

Living in Florida has taught me that if you want to feel really crappy about yourself and guilt yourself into a starvation diet, you should simply go to South Beach.

Yep, the beaches here are filled with hot, svelte, uber-tan, scantily clad, could-be models who do things you would normally see in cheesy 80s spring break movies or the making of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, like whip their hair out of the water in a single choreographed move in slow motion.

For this reason, I always have a cover-up no more than an arm's distance away as I sit under an umbrella and wonder, "When did I stop being that young, hot, frolicy, slow-motion girl? Wait, was I ever her? Shoot, I don't know if I was ever her, and now I'll never be her again or for the first time..."

This is why I rarely go to the beach. Buuuuuut, I've also learned that to combat this feeling, one does not need to spend Spring break in an Alaska-esque climate where she can bundle up and hide under a trendy puffer Read More »from Why Water Parks Are Good for Your Ego

WWF

Love Words With Friends? If more than half of the items below describe YOU, I'll see you in WWFAA. Or we could just play a game -- my schedule's too tight for a twelve step program these days. (TWELVE minimum score: 14 points.)

OK, I've played my fair share of Angry Birds, Fruit Ninja, and Cut the Rope, but there's something unique about Words With Friends that has me utterly fixated. (FIXATED min. 18pts.) Maybe it's the fact that I get to whup other people and feel superior. (WHUP min. 13pts.) I don't exactly know. I do know that I'm not alone; over 20 million players have downloaded this addictive app. (ADDICTIVE min. 18pts.)

MORE HUMOR FROM JENNY: 40 Things Every Woman Should Have or Should Know By 40

I mean, I'm not an addict -- Frankly, I could quit at anytime. Though I'm told that's the first thing an addict says. Well, right after, "I'm not an addict." S&*t, I'm screwed. (SCREWED min- 14pts.)

In an effort to see if I'm truly hooked, I compiled this list

Read More »from 20 Signs You May Be Addicted to Words with Friends

I try to heed as many warnings as possible, which probably makes me awesomely fun to be around. What's worse is the guilt I feel when I do something that I know I shouldn't like say, have an ice cold artificial flavored sugar packed Coke, use non natural cleaning products with bleach, remember that I forgot to put on sunblock and let it go. And then a guy gets sucked out of his bedroom by a sinkhole and I realize it may be time to lighten up a bit ... certainly drop the self induced guilt over not worrying enough.

My friends and I have a running joke where we make fun of how neurotic we must sound when we warn each other about every little thing, so we make the effects sound overly alarmist (to keep a sense of humor about it all).

It truly helps. So, in that vain, I've compiled a list of actual things that can harm you. Take 'em or leave 'em, just don't quote me on the effects.

Be careful, reading this list may cause you to notice the irony in being overly conscientious and it will also give you smallpox…

MORE FROM JENNY: 40 Things Every Mom Should Have or Should Know by 40

Read More »from 19 Common Things that Could Kill You so THEY Say

What your dog is really thinking...
This morning as I was getting ready to take my dog for a walk, I realized my iPhone needed a few minutes to charge. In those couple moments my dog seemed to go through a whole array of canine emotions from joy, to pacing, to whimpering, to sheer panic. 


I truly believe if he could speak it would have gone something like this (insert squiggly lines here):

YES YES YES, Mom's putting on her sneakers. Oh, joy of joys, we're going for a walk. This is wonderful news!

Look, she isn't averting her eyes the way she does when she's going to leave the house without me. This is awesome, spectacular, stupendous.

(That's when I noticed my phone needed a few minutes to charge or I'd have no music which equals no walk, so I turned from the door and headed to the bedroom.)

Nooooooooooo! Not the room with the big comfy thing in the middle where the fluffy squares I like to hump (when you're not home) are located! That room is a trap. Each night she lies on that thing and

Read More »from What Your Dog is Thinking on Your Morning Walk

momism #287

You know "Momisms," those phrases we turn to get a short reprieve, to conceal criticism, to maintain our sanity or simply because we have no clue what our child just said and we're trying to go with it? We've all used them, so I thought I'd give you a handy decoder to translate what we say --> what we REALLY mean.

Do not let this fall into the hands of your children or it'll ruin it for the rest of us!

1. Maybe --> Probably not

2. We'll see --> NEVER

3. Let's play the quiet game. --> Stop talking, my ears are bleeding.

MORE FROM JENNY FROM THE BLOG: 15 Tips to Help Moms Survive Life in The Suburbs

4. I love the outfit you put together. --> Please spill something on it before we leave the house.

5. Where did you hear that? --> Your information is completely false.

6. One day you'll thank me. --> Hopefully, you'll forget this ever happened.

7. Can mommy have some privacy in the bathroom? --> Mommy needs a glass of wine.

8. Mommy needs a

Read More »from 20 Momisms Translated - What We REALLY Mean

Sex or Oven Cleaning? Hmm...

That's the question I was faced with the other night... and after a decade plus of marriage, I chose to clean my oven. No, that was not a metaphor.

Recently, I attended one of those a sex toy parties, which a friend of mine was co-hosting. Upon entering, I was quickly introduced to our other host, the "Sexpert."

"Jenny this is Julie, she is a penis expert." No joke, that's how she was introduced. This made me wonder why people don't introduce me as something cooler.

"That's funny. I'm somewhat of a penis expert myself," I said, buffing my nails on my shirt as if cleaning an apple. Then I blathered on something about not being a pro like her, because I don't want to jeopardize my amateur status. You know, for the Olympics?

Jenny what the hell are you talking about? Did you just mention the Olympics? The Olympics of what -- hand-jobs? Just shut up, already.

MORE FROM JENNY: 15 Random Things I Wouldn't Know If I Weren't a Gen Xer

Sometimes when I'm

Read More »from Sex or Oven Cleaning - the Age Old Dilemma