Blog Posts by Jenny Isenman from TheSuburbanJungle

Camp Intro

Sending the kids to camp is supposed to be this delightfully awesome time of freedom and reprieve, but it's not for me.

So, as you can tell from the last post, (Confessions of an Irrational Mom), I've been totally anxiety stricken lately. I wasn't able to put my finger on why, until I looked at my finger and saw that I'd done this to my beautifully manicured gel nails.

Not so pretty gel mani

Then it dawned on me, it's camp. Sending my son to camp makes me mildly certifiable.

Knowing I have NO control over whether my baby puts on sunblock, brushes his teeth, eats Fruity Pebbles everyday for breakfast lunch and dinner, runs with flip-flops on rocky terrain, doesn't make the inter-camp baseball team, or gets made fun of.

Look, I get it -

Read More »from Why is Sending Kids to Sleepaway Camp so Freakin Stressful?

Girlie Girls

I know they're not all girlie girls. Many of our girls march to their own drum, many have that cute tomboy thing going as well - and all define their own category, but it's always fun to notice the similarities in motherhood. As the mom of a hilariously witty, uber creative, sometimes tomboy, often girlie girl -- I thought I'd put this list together for all the other moms who live in a fog of glitter and have had their nails polished at a faux salon.

You Know You're the Mom of a Girlie Girl IF...

1. You do more pretend cooking in a miniature kitchen than you do actual cooking in the full sized one (and frankly, you're not sure which tastes better).

2. You secretly wish there was some mommy competition involving your child's trendy crafts because you're a freakin' whiz on the Rainbow Loom, you make a mean potholder, and you're not so bad with a spool of gimp ahem, lanyard.

3. You have the ability to turn a field day/camp tee into an off the shoulder, bedazzled,

Read More »from You Know You're the Mom of a Girlie Girl IF

In the blink of an eye...

You know, that stage in a boy's life, when mom is not quite as smart, cool... or necessary as she once was? Sure, they want you to get them a glass of water when they're in bed. Sometimes, they'll throw you a bone and ask you to lay with them when they're freaked out by some scary character they saw in a trailer on YouTube. Yep, they have to settle for horror movie trailers because that same annoying overprotective mother (you) said they weren't old enough to watch Final Destination or SAW. (Smart choice.)

I'm there. My sweet, amazing baby boy (who I wrote about here) is now a tween.

Actually, tween really is the perfect term, as they're truly somewhere between "Mommy will you come in my room?" and "Mom, my room is off limits to you." They're between, "Mom I think Katie likes me because she always says 'Hi,' so what do I do now?" and Mom overhearing him tell some friends he wants to date Chastity because she puts out. (This is why you should never name your child Chastity...

Read More »from What to Do when Your Tween Son Shows Affection - Play it Cool, Real Cooool

Ecard ...

"Well Jenny, cough again, but harder this time," said Dr. Pollen from her cushy position directly underneath me and looking up into my nether regions. How did the doctor get such a view, you ask? I was on a special type of birthing chair (one that was probably used in the Salem Witch Trials). Not only was there barely any seat to hold me up, I was hoisted about 6ft in the air, so that the doctor's assistants (people with weird fetishes who pay to be called doctor's assistants, as I like to call them) were looking my vajajay dead in the eye, ahem, the labia. The doctor then sat on her stool and literally rolled underneath me as if she was checking out my chassis. Which makes sense because she did mention the need for a tune up.

MORE HUMOR FROM THE SUBURBAN JUNGLE: HOLY CRAP, MY EYELIDS DON'T MATCH ANYMORE AND OTHER AGING REVELATIONS

Why would one sit on such a chair without being dared or paid? Because apparently I have all kinds of prolapse (that's stuff caving in and

Read More »from What's a Little Peeing in Your Pants Between Friends?

40 things ...

I recently read a sentimental piece about the 30 things every woman should have and know by 30. Shockingly, I could check many of those items off my to-do list. What's more shocking is that I'm not 30 anymore, not even close.

A whole decade has passed. Where did it go? An amazing husband, multiple careers, a recession, two incredible children, and the blink of an eye later, I'm 40. There are many subtle yet life-changing differences a decade makes. (This may not be as sentimental as it's predecessor, but hey, I'm a humor columnist).

By 40, you should have…

1. Access to a great therapist, a great dry cleaner, a great hair stylist, and a great lawyer... but mostly a great therapist.

2. Cellulite that you play with when you sit "criss cross applesauce."

3. The knowledge that the position I just referred to was once un-PC-ishly called "Indian Style."

4. Enough videos and pictures of your children to fill a credenza.

5. A credenza ... or at least know

Read More »from 40 Things Every Mom Should Have and Should Know by 40

Beach vs Water Park

Living in Florida has taught me that if you want to feel really crappy about yourself and guilt yourself into a starvation diet, you should simply go to South Beach.

Yep, the beaches here are filled with hot, svelte, uber-tan, scantily clad, could-be models who do things you would normally see in cheesy 80s spring break movies or the making of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, like whip their hair out of the water in a single choreographed move in slow motion.

For this reason, I always have a cover-up no more than an arm's distance away as I sit under an umbrella and wonder, "When did I stop being that young, hot, frolicy, slow-motion girl? Wait, was I ever her? Shoot, I don't know if I was ever her, and now I'll never be her again or for the first time..."

This is why I rarely go to the beach. Buuuuuut, I've also learned that to combat this feeling, one does not need to spend Spring break in an Alaska-esque climate where she can bundle up and hide under a trendy puffer Read More »from Why Water Parks Are Good for Your Ego

WWF

Love Words With Friends? If more than half of the items below describe YOU, I'll see you in WWFAA. Or we could just play a game -- my schedule's too tight for a twelve step program these days. (TWELVE minimum score: 14 points.)

OK, I've played my fair share of Angry Birds, Fruit Ninja, and Cut the Rope, but there's something unique about Words With Friends that has me utterly fixated. (FIXATED min. 18pts.) Maybe it's the fact that I get to whup other people and feel superior. (WHUP min. 13pts.) I don't exactly know. I do know that I'm not alone; over 20 million players have downloaded this addictive app. (ADDICTIVE min. 18pts.)

MORE HUMOR FROM JENNY: 40 Things Every Woman Should Have or Should Know By 40

I mean, I'm not an addict -- Frankly, I could quit at anytime. Though I'm told that's the first thing an addict says. Well, right after, "I'm not an addict." S&*t, I'm screwed. (SCREWED min- 14pts.)

In an effort to see if I'm truly hooked, I compiled this list

Read More »from 20 Signs You May Be Addicted to Words with Friends

I try to heed as many warnings as possible, which probably makes me awesomely fun to be around. What's worse is the guilt I feel when I do something that I know I shouldn't like say, have an ice cold artificial flavored sugar packed Coke, use non natural cleaning products with bleach, remember that I forgot to put on sunblock and let it go. And then a guy gets sucked out of his bedroom by a sinkhole and I realize it may be time to lighten up a bit ... certainly drop the self induced guilt over not worrying enough.

My friends and I have a running joke where we make fun of how neurotic we must sound when we warn each other about every little thing, so we make the effects sound overly alarmist (to keep a sense of humor about it all).

It truly helps. So, in that vain, I've compiled a list of actual things that can harm you. Take 'em or leave 'em, just don't quote me on the effects.

Be careful, reading this list may cause you to notice the irony in being overly conscientious and it will also give you smallpox…

MORE FROM JENNY: 40 Things Every Mom Should Have or Should Know by 40

Read More »from 19 Common Things that Could Kill You so THEY Say