I ask myself that question all the time. Why can't simple things stay simple. Like a relationship. You both know you love each other and them all the sudden there is obsticles and barriers blocking the simple emotion of love. I started on this thought a bit after my Mother passed away. If you have never lost a parent you have this lost feeling for awhile. I myself started looking at things deeper and more broader. I wanted to be back to a happy place that was simply perfect for me. Well those who know the ol' hound here, knows that she can't let go of an emotional tie. This relationship ended four years ago. Yet here I am again with the same feeling in my heart. I try and move on then a stumbling block or just a silly dream involving the Signor. I am back to square one with my feelings for him. The complicated part is I don't understand why we broke up (well that is denial I do know why I couldn't live with him anymore.) I know he feels the same about me, but he says having aRead More »from WHY ARE THINGS so COMPLICATED??
Blog Posts by lisa g
Read More »from WHO is THIS PERSON?
I woke up this morning and asked myself who are you? Seems I have been living in non-using addict mode. Isolating. I want to believe it was a healthy isolation. I needed rest. I needed to sort things out. The problem is I am not being honest with myself. What I need to do is release the past. I need to let go of this fear that I will never have those special moments. The ones created with the Signor. The ones that made me feel I was a special peson. So I say to myself, 'Self,' that is me talking to myself, 'you are afraid. You are afraid of something that even you are hiding from yourself.' I haven't figured out what that 'something' is. Made me see though I need to go inside and find what 'something' is. My work gives me plenty of time to do that. Something about swirling the water around helps my concentration. I believe I have found the sign post up ahead for the road I must follow. So now fellow bloggers buckle your seat belts this might be a bumpy ride.
I will keep posting
Read More »from BLUE MOON
There was a blue moon last night. For those that never fully understood the meaning of that expression: A blue moon is the second full moon in a month. Whenever mentioned some urban myth is sure to follow. I spent my blue moon hanging out with the Signor and a friend. It was her birthday. I started thinking, if only we could wish things to come true. I would wish the Signor and I back with each other. The Signor and I are still friends. We have a bond that will never ever be broken. No matter how hard I have tried, I will always have these precious sweet feeling for him. I wish I had ruby red slippers or that portal machine, but that is fantasy. We can't live our lives in a fantasy state. I see why going back wouldn't be good, I would be deep in the throws of active addiction. Even though I miss a part of that life, I don't miss the addiction. Where a substance was controlling my every thought and emotion. Addiction is where you make things up in your mind and believe the lies you
I look at time in a different kind of way. Like when something happens I will guage the days in miles. I use the if I was traveling I would probably travel 20 miles in a day. (This is walking and not using a vehicle or beast of burden). So it has been 4 days since I got dumped. I see it as I am now 80 miles away from him. It seems to make the healing a bit easier. The farther you go down the road the farther you are from the pain. It hurt my feelings, but these days I can look at life in reality and see, I am better off without someone who didn't have the uhmmm, courage to confront me face to face. I am thinking he will never find someone as caring and thoughtful as I. Someone who can over look flaws and accept what is there. Well, I am grateful that I met him. He made me feel desirable again. I had forgotten that as a woman men can find me attractive. There is the positive in something that didn't make any sense. I like finding positiveness. Makes that next day a bit easier toRead More »from 80 MILES and STILL GOING
Sorry I have to respond in this format, for some reason Shine won't let me reply or post comments in response. The reason I said 'game playing'. We went out Friday night and everything was as always. Happy with each other's company. It was my treat for the evening, because I have been taking turns with him to share the expense of 'going out'. Why didn't he tell me then? Something like a break up must have some kind of thought behind it, not like you wake up and say 'you know what I am breaking up with her today.' That is what I mean by that. The other thing is this, he should have told me to my face. We had been seeing each other steady for six months he even escorted me to my Mom's funeral. So I feel that explains that. I am really surprised how many guys responded to this blog. Most of them defending the guy that broke up with me. Like I had no reason to be a little offended on how he handle the situation. I am not mad or angry he broke up. I am dissappointed in him as a man,Read More »from RESPONSE to 'HE SAID GOOD BYE'
Read More »from HE SAID GOODBYE
You know it is hard to date. I have been seeing this guy for six months now. Then this morning he sends me a dear johnette text. Trying to make himself feel better he made it out like his dumping me was a favor. How silly. The one thing that got to me he couldn't do it to my face. Jeeez, something that makes you say 'hmmmm'. I am not letting this get me down. I am looking at it like this well at least I know where I stand. I can move on now. I cried, cause we had just seen each other a few days ago. I am thinking why didn't he tell me then? I think about how guys say 'women are always playing games.' Dude look in the mirror next time and say that. Well my fellow cyber peeps I am relaxing right now. Wondering WTF happened to just get dumped out of the blue. But then again I have a feeling I know what happened. Still I am not running to a substance for comfort. This time I ran to the computer and wrote a blog.
Peace out and in all that is right-good!
Single and looking here...just
My mother passed this past Tuesday. My siblings and I were by her side as she went. I held her hand. To watch her breathe her last breath was a bit surreal. More than that, I can't describe the peace that has come over me. Unbelievalbe peace. I compare it to a spiritual awakening. I feel as if I am connected to the spirit of life. As if my mother is there watching over me. I feel a glowing warmth of love. This is beautiful. The experience of a lifetime. To be connected through an intangible way. I do miss my mother. Not having her here in this mortal life, but I feel I haven't lost her at all. I feel that I have actually gained her in a way I never could have had before.
Peace out and in all that is right-good!
This is the count down. I hate thinking that thought, but my mom will be gone in one to two weeks. There are things experienced before death that we as mortals will never understand until our time to cross comes up. I keep this thought in my head: 'this is not about me, it is about Mom.' She sleeps all the time, due to morphine and the preperation to cross. That is what I call that moment. The crossing or passing. I just can't believe something as wonderous as life just ends. The essences of spirit and soul snuffed out. I can't see it happening when we are so individual and unique. I know there are those out there that do not feel there is a creator or higher power. I feel for you. I am not saying you will go to hell or be without spirit and soul. Those are not my place. I feel for you, because I wonder how can you feel special and unique? How can you look at yourself and say I was created because I was needed. You see our creator needs us as much as we need him. Why would he create usRead More »from SOMETIMES it ISN'T ABOUT YOU
Read More »from I SEE the CHANGE in the MIRROR
I looked in the mirror today and saw a new person. I like this person. She seems to only want to do what is right and good. She is learning how to become a better decision maker. She has patience and tolerance towards others. I like the person. No longer is she whining about the past of the Signor. She has put that past where it belongs.
One thing in all this I have learned that life does go on. We may not like what we are dealing with but if we are in our hearts we handle what we can at our best. Funny how losing a loved one can open your eyes to what is trivial and what is reality. I tend to cut silliness and shallowness out of my life. I have learned that things can hurt, but we keep in our hearts. What hurts for us can hurt for others. I like being empathetic. I think when we show empathy for others we are truly living the way our God wants. Not being self centered, but looking out and understanding that all have feelings and sometimes they need a little space to express what
Read More »from THIS is WHY I GO to THERAPY
I have been frustrated with myself over the Signor. When we see each other I am hoping that things are going to be the same. We are making steps to become one again. The problem is he is not wanting the same things as I. I am sure he has feelings for me, but in all honesty the Signor has another mistress. He picks a substance over his relationships. The way I have come to see my relationship with the Signor is like that favorite sweater. You love that sweater, it feels comforting when you put it on. The smell is a familar one that soothes you. The sweater has worn elbows and unravelling thread. Buttons are missing. It is time to hit the dumpster, but just one more time to put it on. Yes, that is exactly how the relationship is feeling. Afraid to let go of something that has been there for so long. I have been seeing other people, but I always feel like I am cheating. We are not committed to each other. I am on my own, but still....
I went to my therapist wanting to talk about my mom