Blog Posts by EMandLO.com

EMandLO.com contributor Abby Spector, who is majoring in Feminine/Gender/Sexuality Studies at Wesleyan University, has a confession to make:

"Abby, you never seem to get angry," my coworker said to me the other day. I hate that scumbag, but all I knew how to do was smile. If I was in a worse mood I might have left orange rinds on the counter. That would show him!

You see, in public life, I'm extremely passive. The only manifestation of anger I know is tears or a timid note. However, in the bedroom, I'm domineering. It's like a creature kept somewhere between my genitals and my mind gets out of its cage. Best part is, I like it.

This creature is a new discovery. In the past, I was a starfish in bed - the kind of partner that lies back, limbs spread, and counts ceiling tiles until it's over. I had never been on top for longer than thirty seconds. Up there, I'd clumsily bounce up and down while trying to keep my breasts from flopping into my armpits. It was terrible for

Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City and she answers your medical questions on EMandLO.com biweekly. To ask her your own question, click here.

-- Keeping Abreast

Dear K.A.,

I love it.

Unfortunately, medicine and science are great at producing tests and studies that become part of the standard care we receive long before we know if they do any good or not. Mammograms definitely save lives by finding breast cancer before we can feel a lump, but they're not perfect -- and I don't just mean that they can miss a very small cancer. Mammograms can lead to unnecessary testing and biopsies that all have their own risks. And confusingly, they may pick up what are called indolent cancers -- the slow-growing kind that would never kill someone -- that then get treated, with all of the side effects that follow. How awful, to treat a cancer that didn't need to be treated,

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, just can't answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below or join the debate already in progress on EMandLO.com. And to ask your own question, click here.

Dear Em & Lo,

I've always been a fairly promiscuous woman, in between looking for Mr. Right, and I've enjoyed most of the sex I've had, and consistently gotten rave reviews. I've never had a shortage of lovers and only rarely found myself sexually incompatible with someone. I've got some skills.

And I was thrilled this year when I met someone with whom I actually connected emotionally, and really felt excited to be around, talk to, and spend time. I was excited and turned on by him physically and emotionally.

So I was pretty shocked to find that the sex is insurmountably bad. I'm excellent at ----- , and approach it with gusto, but

Advice from three of Em & Lo's guy friends. This week a straight woman asks,"What do guys think of the 'women come first' expectation in bed? Embrace it? Hate it? And why?" To ask the guys your own question, click here.

jay_dyckmanGay Single Guy (Jay Dyckman): We think it's great - especially when there are no women in bed! Kidding aside, does every woman have that expectation? I doubt it. I would think the expectation would be more like "This is not a one-way street and I expect to have a good time too." Come first, second, hell even third, it doesn't matter so long as sex is still a fun and enjoyable experience. Anyone who comes and goes can just keep going. Right out the door. And hopefully off a cliff.

tyler_barnett_100Straight Single Guy (Tyler Barnett): I propose a new standard of expectation where not only does the woman come first, but comes second and third and fourth... A guy should be prioritized in bed too, but often times if he comes first then the girl most likely doesn't come back! Coming

1) Why vacation sex is better than home sex:
The vacation itself can act as extended foreplay. You're probably spending some nice quality time with your partner during the day, doing novel things together, which can bring you closer. Since you haven't been at work all day stressing, it's a much smoother segue into sex - in other words, you don't need time to unwind before you get naked. And since mental distractions - work stresses, looming to-do lists, ongoing arguments - can keep women from focusing on the here and now in the bedroom, a vacation can help them be more in the moment, and therefore more likely to have an orgasm, by helping clear their head (if only temporarily). And applying suntan lotion to each other all day = foreplay!

2) How it can be worse:
The expectation is greater, so there's more room for disappointment if things don't go as planned. That's how it is for all aspects of vacation, whether you're talking about the weather, the food or the

If you're planning on having a new guest over to "look at your etchings" for the first time, follow these 10 rules to ensure there's a next time:

1. Only invite a guest over when you won't have to rush out the door the next morning.
   
2. Warn any roommates that you will be entertaining that evening.
   
3. Remove all dirty laundry & dishes, any evidence of prior partners, and anything age-inappropriate (like dolls or teddy bears) from your bedroom and hide them. In fact, we'd recommend selling all but your most favorite cuddly toy on eBay.
   
4. Turn off your cell phone and your land-line answering machine - especially if you expect your recent ex to call at 4am asking to be taken back for the 25th time.
   
5. Take a tip from Hollywood movies and use dramatic, flattering lighting wherever you think you might end up doing it. Kill all fluorescents and any overhead lamps that have harsh, bright bulbs. Instead, use low-wattage bulbs in lamps tucked away in corners. Install

Every few weeks, Dr. Vanessa Cullins, a board-certified obstetrician/gynecologist and vice president for medical affairs at Planned Parenthood® Federation of America, answers your questions on EMandLO.com. To ask her your own question, click here.

Dear Dr. Vanessa,

Okay, so I have a very embarrassing question for you and wanted to check with you before I go see a health provider. This past weekend, I went away with a guy I have just gotten into a relationship with. He is my second sexual partner and has been checked for STDs recently, as have I. This weekend, we had sex fairly often, and we also used a vibrator that, unbeknownst to him, was not meant to go inside me. Even though I pulled it out, I have been feeling a lot of discomfort since we got back.

I have a lot of whitish discharge and it has a terrible odor, not to mention the fact that I am very sore. Could this be a case of irritation due to the "foreign object" or possibly a case of BV? If it is just irritation, then I would prefer not to pay for a medical visit, but if it's BV, my understanding is that I should get antibiotics. Any ideas would be appreciated.

- Saddle Sore

Dear S.S.,

You should be seen by a health care provider. Whenever a woman has an irritation of the vagina and an abnormal discharge - vaginitis or vulvovaginitis - she should see her health care provider and try to get a definitive diagnosis. Because the discharge you describe has a strong, unpleasant odor, three possible causes of vaginitis come to mind.

The first possible cause is what you suspected - bacterial vaginosis (BV). It is a condition caused by several bacteria, including gardnerella vaginalis. (BV used to be called "nonspecific vaginitis.") Usually there is a heavy vaginal discharge. It is grayish and frothy and has an unpleasant, "fishy" odor. Most women have at least one incident of BV in their lives.

Advice from three of EMandLO.com's guy friends. This week they answer the following: "When it comes to the number of sexual partners a woman has had, do guys want to know? Even if they say they do, are they lying?" To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Straight Single Guy (Mark Luczak): It's the Information Age, and people in general are so conditioned to gather and dissect every morsel of information they can find, that it follows that this would apply in the bedroom as well. I suppose the number of partners someone has had can serve as somewhat of a guage of their experience, which in turn could provide a relative basis for expectations, or at least a starting point for communication about it.

But communication-wise, far more important is simply sexualhealth history, regardless of that conversation's catalyst (again, number of partners could provide a guage, but one isn't necessarily dependent on the other). Past the health factors, sure, there are going to be different degrees of curiosity about lots of things when entering into a sexual relationship with someone (likes and dislikes, sex drives, etc.). But at this point, we all have our pasts, sexual and otherwise, to decide to share or not share, and at least for me anymore, the strict number of previous partners is fairly low on the list of need-to-know's.

Straight Married Guy (James Glazebrook):Yes, guys want to know - as long as your number's lower than theirs. And if you think that's disappointingly cliche of me, wait until you hear this: I've been known to feel threatened by the former sexual partners of women who've had fewer than I have. I've fixated on their size, their confidence and athleticism, the fact that they persuaded my woman to do things they regretted (but I wouldn't mind trying) - any aspect of their prowess, real or imagined.