Blog Posts by EMandLO.com

You might think "novelty" means "nice, fun sex toys," but you'd be wrong. It's actually a legal term for products not intended for serious use. And thanks to A) bull s---ty obscenity laws still on the books in some states (we're talking to you, Alabama), B) no government regulation overseeing the safety and package labeling of sex toys, and C) manufacturers who focus on quantity over quality (i.e., male customers over female customers), many toys in your average adult store are marked "for novelty purposes only" (read: "Don't use this anywhere near your genitals!"). These cheap, crappy, gimmicky toys are about as likely to get you off as an episode of Larry King Live. They're often made in China, most likely under dubious labor conditions. And they don't come with instruction manuals or ingredients listings (which more often than not would include "phthalates," a potentially carcinogenic material in soft plastics and jelly rubber); if they did come with use, care, and content

Who wants to paint the town red when you can stay home and paint each other? Playing with edible finger paints is like having a smokin'-hot Montessori teacher encourage you to "indulge your inner Picasso" while going down on you to help "unleash your creative juices." (And if that just turned you on, we don't want to know about it.) We bet you ten bucks the first time you try body paint, you won't be able to resist painting cheeky arrows and "open for business" signs. Oh, who are we kidding? We bet you paint cheeky arrows every time you try it. The Kama Sutra Lover's Paintbox is all chocolate (in three flavors!), if that's what you fancy - don't forget a glass of milk for the nightstand. GoodVibes also stocks a chocolate body paint, and Babeland has a sweet fruity kit if that's more to your taste. And if you're having a James Bond moment, try liquid latex body paint and make like Goldfinger. Liquid Latex dries in minutes, and, unlike paint, it allows the skin to breathe - it's your

Thanks to the technological marvel that is Twitter, we don't have to wait until Us Weekly hits the newsstands to find out how John Mayer is taking his most recent breakup with Jennifer Aniston. "This heart didn't come with instructions," he Tweeted on Monday. Deep, man. And then Jake Gyllenhaal was spotted in a "Facebook Addict" tee at a yoga class in Venice, California. Celebrities, they're just like us! But if Jake's shirt is telling the truth, his real profile isn't public, meaning we can only guess at what his status update was later that night. ("Jake Gyllenhaal is out of body. Back in 15 minutes!") Here's what else we think is probably going down in secret celebrity Facebook land:

1. George Clooney doesn't care about the free sex pass your husband gave you -- he still doesn't want to sleep with you.
2. Matthew McConaughey just figured out a way to masturbate while doing push-ups. Totally awesome, dude!
3. Britney Spears can't believe she only just found out about the Altoid

Dear Em & Lo,

I've read your books and love your website, but I notice you are against any infidelity and look down on those who have affairs, but you're okay with swinging and group sex and anal sex probes and bisexuals and all kinds of things that normal folks (who occasionally stray) find disgusting. I guess my point is, how can you judge like that? You judge cheaters but support skank! You know your sex drive better than I do, obviously, but let's say your husband could no longer perform in bed due to E.D. You don't honestly expect me to believe you would go without sex or rely on a dildo for the rest of your life, do you? I think that's B.S.

What I'd like you both to know is that we're not bad people. We're your softball coaches and school teachers. I feed my neighbor's son peanut butter and jelly on a Tuesday afternoon and have sex with her husband on Thursday night because she hasn't let him touch her since she had the baby -- THREE YEARS AGO! We're not trailer trash

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: If a guy asks me how I think his penis ranks size-wise, and I honestly think it's a little on the small side or perhaps too skinny, what do you think the best approach is?

Straight Married Guy (Fred): I'll start answering this question with another question: If I honestly think a woman is on the big side or perhaps a little chubby and she asks me if she's fat, what do you think the best approach is? Of course I tell her that she looks great. But there's a difference between these two situations: she can eat a healthier diet and exercise but he can't do anything about his size. She may even be looking for a little motivation with the question, but it's still polite to fib in this instance. Which means it's imperative to fib in the other instance. Tell him that you think his size is great. You can add that you've seen bigger and, more importantly, you've seen smaller, and that he's just right. Adding that

Are you trying to get over your ex? Or are you trying to gain "hand" in a booty or dating situation? Or do you simply have no shame? If any or all of the above apply, then you need to designate a dialer before heading out on the town. A designated dialer is a friend who agrees to monitor your cellphone usage and watch for you waxing nostalgic with that misty look in your eyes, which usually precipitates a drunken-dial. This friend has your prior, sober permission to confiscate any mobile calling or texting devices, should he or she find your judgment to be seriously impaired. If you're a truly needy case, then you might want to consider asking this friend to go above and beyond the call of duty and walk you home, in order to prevent a booty drive-by i.e. ringing someone's doorbell and slurring, "So I jussss happened to be in the neighborhood..."

More from EMandLO.com:

• Does your sex life need a stimulus package?
• Can I date my best friend's brother?

The other day we covered the top 5 breakup cliches of all time (e.g. "It's not you, it's me). Breakup lies are obvious untruths lazily uttered by often well-meaning dumpers. While some clichéd breakups may become big fat lies down the road (especially when "I think we're just meant to be great friends" is followed by a decade of radio silence, or an ex gets engaged three months after announcing "I'm not ready for a relationship right now"), a true big fat lie is more immediately discerned as bull s--- than a cliché, which, no matter how tired, can still have some truth to it. The top six big fat lyin' breakup lines of all time are:

1. "I really need to focus on my career right now." Riiiiight. Even a recent leader of the free world had time for a wife and multiple mistresses-Bill even found time to buy Monica a freakin' souvenir sweatshirt, ferchrissakes! Nobody's career is so important or all-consuming that they couldn't take five for the right person.

While every breakup is a cliché to some extent (did you really think you were the first person in the history of relationships to be dumped for a RealDoll?), there are certain phrases a dumper can use that have been uttered so many times in so many breakups that they now convey about as much emotion as noting, "Terrible weather we're having for this time of year, eh?" The following top five clichéd dumping lines are typically preceded by the all-time cliché "We need to talk":

1. "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Literal translation: I no longer find you attractive-if I ever did-and the thought of sleeping with you now repulses me. Please don't cry.
2. "It's not you, it's me." Literal translation: You want to be in this relationship and I don't.
3. "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." Literal translation: I'm not ready for a relationship with YOU. This is known as the fortune cookie rule.) You know how you're always supposed to add "… in bed" onto the end of the fortune that came in the cookie with your lo mein? Well, with breakup excuses, try adding "… with you" to see if the dumper's excuse/explanation makes more sense. For example, "It's not you, it's me … with you." "I'm too depressed… with you." If that just gives you the blues instead of giving you clarity, you could always try adding on "… in bed" instead, just to make yourself feel better. "It's just not working for me … in bed." "You're great, I'm an idiot … in bed." "I think we should just be friends … in bed"
4. "You want more than I'm prepared to give." Literal translation: You want more than I'm prepared to give to YOU. (Ditto on the Fortune Cookie Test.)
5. "I think we're just meant to be great friends." Literal translation: I'd like to keep sleeping with you if that's okay with you.