Blog Posts by The_Stir

christmas decoratingLook. It's time we had a little chat. We're all here out of love and concern. But frankly, your holiday decorations are, well, tacky.

We've seen you get high with each new inflatable Santa. We've seen you nearly pass out over all the ribbons on sale in the days just before Christmas. Do you realize that you bought eighteen rolls of wrapping paper but no presents? An entire set of red-and-green striped china but no Christmas ham? My god! You have four Nativity sets in your living room right now! The wise men don't even know where to deliver their frankincense and myrrh!

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Yes, decorating is fun. Yes, holiday spirit is good. And you've got spirit, yes you do. But you ... you've become Clark Griswold. And you're hurting not just us but yourself, too.

Consider this your tacky Christmas decorating intervention.

Here's the thing. All those colors and tchotchkes and ... things ... you've got going on -- they

ASOSRacked recently pointed out a trend I'm seeing everywhere lately: outrageous children's hats made for -- and, increasingly, worn by -- women.

This Bunny Ears Fantasy Fur Hat (ASOS, $44.82) is just one oddball example.

Tellingly, it has sold out at ASOS, which means WAAAAAY too many women are wearing it as we speak.

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But there are plenty more hats for you to choose from if you, uh, want to get back in touch with your inner child this winter.

Want to giggle over, I mean, see them for yourself?

Keep reading!

It would be adorable on a kid, but this Zoozatz Curious George Hat (Kohl's, $18.20) is made for women! Eep.

What's scarier to me, though, is paying hundreds of dollars for a silly winter hat, like this extravagant MARC by Marc Jacobs Monster Hat (Neiman Marcus, $278).

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Then there's this Mickey Ears Hat

Dear Dating Mom:

The other night, my friends and I were debating which is better: masturbation or sex. Some said masturbation, and I was surprised! What is your opinion?

Signed:

I Could Go Both Ways

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Dear "Both Ways":

Well, let's see -- are you lying in bed with my ex right now? Because if so, trust me when I say, go with the former.

Or, are you writing me from a prison cell, because in that case, depending on your size and who, if anyone, has taken a liking to you, it might not be your choice, capiche?

But seriously(ish), whether to masturbate or have sex depends on so many things. Are you on the road somewhere and the pickings at the hotel bar are slim? Are you coming off a three-year dry spell that nearly brought you so close to losing your mind you actually turned to your vibrator one night and asked it why it never says, "I love you"?

Or do you find yourself in a position

There's a silly phenomenon, or shall I say "trend," that is supposedly going on in the sex lives of singles. The one-night stand is out; the two-night stand is in. Single gals have been conversing over brunch about how men have called them back after what they thought was a one-time gig, only to disappear after round two.

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Which is ridiculous, right? I mean, a trend, really? Come on ladies. Looking back through my sexcapades in the last year, I haven't seen any difference in ... oh wait ... come to think of it ...

Shiiiit. Those sonofabitches.

It's so true!

Now I may not make one-night stands a pattern, but I'm also not going to sit here and pretend that I'm a cross-legged angel. I've been pretty much single for nearly four years now. If I waited until I was in a complete full-fledged relationship before engaging in sexual activities with someone ... never mind, I don't even want to think of that *shudder*. So,

For coffee addicts, one of the more joyful aspects of the season is the arrival of the "red cups" at the big chain coffeehouses. The holiday-themed cups signal that the holiday drinks are back on the menu ... those delicious concoctions that aren't readily available any other time of year. Will it be an eggnog latte or a peppermint mocha?

Nobody imagines these sweet drinks are as low-calorie as a plain cup of black coffee, for sure ... but the calorie damage these drinks can do is worse than you probably realize. Most of these treats pack the same calories and fat as you should get in a meal, and a pretty substantial meal at that. And oftentimes, you probably have a cookie or muffin along with them. !!!

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Rest easy, my friends, we're going to blow your mind with calorie counts, but then we're going offer up several lower cal holiday drink makeovers that will help you ward off the Santa Belly this

Nipple EnhancersNotice anything interesting about the woman pictured here?

Does anything ... poke out at you?

Admit it. You're not looking at her face.

But what you might not know about this woman is that those are not her nipples. Oh no.

They are silicone "nipple enhancers," and according to Bodyperks, the website selling them, they were "crafted to produce just the right amount of perkiness."

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"Give bodyperks a try," the site urges. "You'll be amazed at the reaction."

I can only imagine ...

Would you wear them?

What's really surprising to me about these silicone "accessories" is that they seem to be catching on.

British department store Selfridges is selling them, citing the memorable incident when Samantha wore them on Sex and the City as incentive to buy a pair for yourself.

Personally, my nipples don't need any enhancing. I've been trying to hide them from public view for years,

christmas presentI didn't think I could find a worse gift at the holidays than a 1950s-style Susie Homemaker present from the hubby. Think a new vacuum cleaner, an iron, or, ewww, an apron!

I was wrong.

Hey, that guy's clueless, but at least he thinks he's buying for his wife. The guys who buy gifts for their wives and girlfriends that are really gifts for, well, him take the cake.

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And in case you're wondering, there's a 4 in 10 shot that your guy is one of them. So let's best them at their own game, eh ladies?

The following is the top 10 list of gifts guys buy "for us" with the ulterior motive of enjoying it themselves. With a few minor adjustments, they make wonderful gifts for us. Is that a glass half full or what?

1. DVDs -- Gather them up, then tell him you have a brilliant plan. Warner Bros. is offering Blu-Ray DVDs in their collection for just $4.95 if you trade in old versions. There goes that collection of old

I have been a lucky man. I have led a life that was mostly missing the kind of weird aunts, meddling mothers, and overzealous wives that lead to nightmarish man-gifts.

The one bad moment I ever had was a string of gifts that were not quite right a few years back, like a Rolling Stones CD (great!) but the brand new one (crap). I figured out my mom had been buying from the Amazon wish list of the wrong Andrew Dalton. But that's a far cry from the buddy of mine whose dad, as a Christmas gift to him, had the mower blades sharpened so he could cut the lawn better.

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So after asking for help from suffering male friends and co-workers, let me present the Ask Dad Don't-Buy-This-Gift Guide:

Tools: Seems like a great idea, right? Handy guys love them, and we unhandy guys probably need them for the inspiration. But really, you're giving them a metal hunk of guilt, like if he got you a bathroom scale. One friend of