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    Blog Posts by Gretchen Rubin

    • How Will You Make Your Own Summer? I Plan to Read for Pleasure

      booksinsuitcaseFriday was the last day of school for my two daughters. They wore special outfits, I took pictures, lots of excitement.

      The last day of school is always bittersweet to me; it's fun to head into the summer, but it's always a little sad that another year is over. I'm always reminded that "The days are long, but the years are short." (The one-minute video I made about this feeling is probably the thing, of everything I've ever written, that resonates most with people.)

      The end of the school year is also significant to me because I still measure my own life by the school calendar. September is the other January-which is why, for my second happiness project in Happier at Home, I did a project from September through May. September is a new beginning, and the June/July/August season feels separate from the rest of the year.

      So now that school is over, my summer has started-but fact is, my summer is a lot like the rest of my year. We go on some family trips, and my daughters'

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    • Consider These Questions Posed to You Upholders, Questioners, Rebels, and Obligers

      four-ornate-columnsI'm still obsessed with the four categories I've developed-which, for lack of a better name, I'm currently calling the Four Rubin Tendencies.

      These categories describe how people tend to respond to expectations: outer expectations (a deadline, a "request" from a sweetheart) and inner expectations (write a novel in your free time, train for a marathon).

      To learn more about the Four Rubin Tendencies, read here and here. In a nutshell:

      Upholders respond readily to both inner and outer expectations

      Questioners question all expectations, but will follow expectations if they think the expectations are sensible (effectively making all expectations into inner expectations)

      Rebels resist all expectations

      Obligers meet outer expectations but struggle to meet expectations they impose on themselves

      I'm still working on refining these types, and I'd love to hear what you have to say about the following questions. Obviously no one would answer all these questions,

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    • Do You Want the Tenth Bite of Ice Cream More Than the First Bite, or Less?

      biteicecreamI've been continuing to ponder the abstainers vs. moderators distinction.

      In case you haven't been breathlessly following this line of argument: in a nutshell, when facing a temptation, abstainers do better if they abstain altogether, while moderators do better if they indulge a little bit, or from time to time.

      The other day, a friend who is a true moderator told me, "I got a sundae from my favorite ice cream store, and it was so, so good. But after the tenth bite or so, I could hardly taste it anymore. I had a few more bites, then it turned into a puddle, and a friend of mine finished it for me."

      To me, this is a very foreign way of acting. The difference between my friend and me made me wonder if this is a distinction between abstainers and moderators, and I'd love for you abstainers and moderators out there to weigh in on this question.

      Moderators, does your desire often diminish as you eat? Does it drop off in intensity? Or have you not noticed this phenomenon?

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    • Who Are Your Patron Saints? Here Are Mine

      winston_churchillPeople often ask me, "Come on, what's the key to happiness? If you had to pick one thing, what would you say?"

      I think that question can be answered in several ways, depending on what framework you use.

      But one answer would certainly be-self-knowledge. It's the Fifth Splendid Truth: We can build a happy life only on the foundation of our own nature.

      But it's surprisingly hard to know yourself! So how can you sneak a glimpse into your own nature?

      You can ask yourself: Whom do I envy? What do I lie about? The answers to these questions reveal the way in which your life doesn't reflect your values.

      You can ask yourself: What did I do for fun when I was ten years old? You'd probably enjoy as an adult a version of what you enjoyed as a ten-year-old.

      You can ask yourself: What do I actually DO?

      You can ask yourself: Who are my patron saints? (A "patron saint" is a saint who has a special connection to a person, place, profession, or activity, or in more casual terms, a

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    • Do You Embrace These Contradictions? They’re Important for Happiness

      contradictionnopetsI love Secrets of Adulthood, fables, teaching stories, koans, and paradoxes-or anything that smacks of paradox. For instance, I get a big kick out of the page of my bank statement that reads, "This page intentionally left blank." No, it's not blank. It has that notice printed on it!

      As I've worked on my happiness project, I've been struck by the contradictions I kept confronting. The opposite of a profound truth is also true, and I often find myself trying to embrace both sides of an idea:

      1. Accept myself, and expect more of myself.

      2. Use my time efficiently, yet make time to play, to wander, to read at whim, to fail.

      3. Take myself less seriously-and take myself more seriously.

      4. Someplace, keep an empty shelf, and someplace, keep a junk drawer. If you want to see my empty shelf with your own eyes, watch here at minute 6:41-some people are dubious about whether I actually have one.

      5. Think about myself so I can forget myself.

      6. Paying close

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    • Don’t Assume that Everything is so Different These Days

      wilder11_lgI'm a fanatical reader of children's literature, and one of my favorite authors is Laura Ingalls Wilder. In fact, Happier at Home's conclusion-which I think, in all modesty, is one of the best things I've ever written in my entire life-centers on the last few sentences from Little House in the Big Woods.

      A thoughtful reader suggested that I might enjoy Little House in the Ozarks, a collection of the pieces that Wilder wrote for regional newspapers and magazines. Heck yes! I got my hands on a copy right away.

      I found much that interested me, and I was particularly struck by one paragraph.

      "We are so overwhelmed with things these days that our lives are all, more or less, cluttered. I believe it is this, rather than a shortness of time, that gives us that feeling of hurry and almost of helplessness. Everyone is hurrying and usually just a little late. Notice the faces of the people who rush past on the streets or on our country roads! They nearly all have a strained,

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    • I Am Constantly, Compulsively Worrying Over the Choices I Made

      cullenHappiness interview: Lisa Takeuchi Cullen (@lisacullen).

      I met Lisa through a writers' group; oh, how I love to belong to groups. She's a woman of many writing talents-journalism, fiction, TV-writing (in fact, did a pilot for CBS this season)-and I couldn't wait to read her new novel.

      And it doesn't disappoint. Pastors' Wives is utterly absorbing, and a fascinating look at a particular world, and several engaging characters. I couldn't put it down.

      Happiness is a major theme of the book, so I was very curious to hear what Lisa had to say.

      Gretchen: What's a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?

      Lisa: I talk to my sister every day on the phone. We're twelve months and two weeks apart in age, and growing up we shared a bedroom, Jordache jeans, and AquaNet hairspray (but never boyfriends…that would be weird). After college we roomed together in New York City, and after we got married, we bought houses eight miles apart in New Jersey. But with kids and

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    • Have You Ever Thought, “This Time is Different?”

      lightmatchI have a friend who has started a new course of healthful eating. She told me, "This time is different. I've struggled with my weight my whole life, I've been on a thousand diets, but this time I'm changing my eating habits for good."

      I think many of us have had a similar experience, when we've thought: "This time is different," "Something just clicked," "I see the light," "I have to do this now." For me, this kind of realization often takes the form of, "At last, this is the approach I've been looking for."

      Here are my questions for you:

      Have you had this experience? If so, with what aspect of your life?

      Did it turn out to be true that "this time is different"?

      Did change come gradually or suddenly?

      Did the change stick with you, or did you drift back to your former behavior?

      If you did drift back to your former behavior, how long did the change stick? Did it leave any lasting marks?

      (If you want more questions for self-knowledge, read on here.)

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    • Are You More Drawn to Simplicity or to Abundance?

      geometric reflectionI love dividing the world into categories. Abstainers and moderators. Radiators and drains. Leopards and alchemists. Marathoners and sprinters (formerly known as "tortoises and hares"-I like this terminology better, how about you?)

      I've come up with a new distinction, but I'm still turning it over in my mind. I'm not sure it works out…I would love to hear your response.

      A conversation between two friends, at my children's literature reading group meeting, inspired me to notice this.

      One friend said, "I always want to feel empty," and a friend responded, "I always want to feel full." (They were speaking metaphorically.)

      I thought this was just about the most interesting pair of remarks that I'd ever heard. I wasn't able to pursue this conversation at the time, but I plan to.

      In the meantime, it got me thinking: is this a distinction?

      Does one group-I'll call them the simplicity lovers-prefer to have less, subtraction, emptiness, bare surfaces, few choices,

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    • The Happiness Lesson from the Finale of the TV Show “The Office”

      officefinalMy daughters and I are huge fans of the TV show, The Office (the American version). We have the DVDs, we've watched every episode several times, and they get funnier each time.

      Now, admittedly, you may question the wisdom of allowing an eight-year-old to watch the show. But I always watch with her, and I skip through the inappropriate parts.

      One thing that my happiness project has taught me is that my own frame of mind can significantly boost (or diminish) the amount of happiness I get from something.

      Therefore, one of my aims has been to boost my feelings of pleasant expectancy-to make little things into real events, so that I can look forward to them and revel in them, instead of letting them pass by only half-noticed. With a little mindfulness, I can often re-frame activities to help myself anticipate them more.

      So when I read that the finale of The Office would air on May 16, I first thought, "Oh, too bad, the show is over." Then I thought-wait! This is an

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    Pagination

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