Blog Posts by Gretchen Rubin

Honestreflection

One thing I've learned from my happiness project is that whenever appropriate, I should "Do it for for myself."

I have a bad habit of self-righteously telling myself that I've made various efforts "for my husband," "for my family," or whomever.

While this sounds generous, it leads to a bad result: often I expect other people to appreciate my efforts -- or at least notice my efforts -- and while sometimes it makes me feel virtuous, sometimes it makes me feel resentful.

Now, when appropriate, I remind myself, "I'm doing this for myself. This is what I want." I want tidy kitchen cabinets. I want to decorate for Halloween. Which is true.

This sounds selfish, but in fact, being honest with myself makes me less demanding and resentful.

When I talk to people who seem to follow the same practice, it's all I can do to refrain from giving little unsolicited happiness lectures.

For instance, one person told me she was compiling an enormous book of quotations and

ScalesOfJustice

First came the self-esteem movement -- then came the backlash to the self-esteem movement. What's pretty clear is we don't get healthy self-esteem from constantly telling ourselves how great we are, or even from other people telling us how great we are. At the same time, it's a rare person who isn't sometimes - or often - plagued with painful self-doubt.

So what's the secret? When you're feeling lousy, what can you do to feel better about yourself? It turns out that we feel better about ourselves when we behave in ways that we find worthy of our own respect -- such as helping other people, surmounting a fear, and the like.

Here are some suggestions that I try to remember when I'm feeling full of self-doubt and self-anxiety (a term I just made up -- is there a more elegant term for this feeling?):

1. Do a good deed. Be selfless, if only for selfish reason; you'll benefit as much as the person you're helping. When I'm feeling low, forcing myself to do something for someone

2011 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2011 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2011 a happier year -- and even if you haven't officially signed up for the challenge -- welcome! This month's theme is Self-control. Last week's resolution was To increase your self-control, boost your energy level. Did you try that resolution? Did it boost your happiness?

This week's resolution is Ask yourself: Are you an abstainer or a moderator?

Download Are you an abstainer or a moderator

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Quiz: When trying to give something up, are you an abstainer or a moderator?
Are you a "yes" resolver or a "no" resolver?
Do something every day.

If you're new, here's information on the 2011 Happiness Challenge. It's never too late to start! You're not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For the Challenge, each week I'll post a video suggesting a resolution for you to consider. For more ideas for resolutions to

Behind-the-curtain

It's time to admit that I've been keeping a secret from my blog. Now all will be revealed! At last, it's time to confess…not only am I working on a new book, I actually just handed in the draft to my editor! I've been working on it for a long time! (I know, this secret may not seem quite as earth-shattering to you as it does to me.)

Happiness is an inexhaustibly fascinating subject; I'd just begun to plumb its depths by the time I'd finished my last book. I wanted to pursue the subject more deeply -- but how?

For the first project, I had to develop a framework to understand happiness, and I took a wide, encompassing approach. For this new project, I wanted to go narrower, and deeper. I wanted to put some striking concept at the center, to find a single lens through which to view happiness. But what should that idea be?

As I was pondering this question, I recalled one of my favorite lines from Samuel Johnson: "To be happy at home is the ultimate result of all ambition."

Emergencyexit

I love hearing other people's ideas for resolutions, Personal Commandments, Secrets of Adulthood, and the like. A while back, when I ran into an old family friend, he said, "Let me tell you one of my personal secrets for happiness: Control your exit."

"'Control your exit?'" I asked blankly. "What exactly does that mean?"

"It means, always be able to leave when you want. Drive yourself to a party instead of getting a ride, so you can leave when you're ready. Try to go to someone else's house, or a public place, instead of having people over to your house, because there's nothing worse than seeing someone lean back and cross their legs when you're ready to go to bed. Or else have people over to your house before some event - before a dinner reservation or a movie - so you have to leave by a certain time."

This resolution struck me as a slightly anti-social resolution, but I could see the sense of it. My husband would certainly agree. If he can help it, he never goes

New-york-times

I realized with a shock this morning that the paperback of The Happiness Project has now been on the New York Times bestseller list for six months. SIX MONTHS. Including #1! Zoikes, that makes me very happy.

To everyone here -- thanks so much for all your support and enthusiasm. I know that word-of-mouth has been the key to the book's success, and you've all done so much to help spread the word.

GroupoffriendsLast week, I posted a list How to make friends -- or at least think about it more clearly. That list sets forth the "essential friendship skills."

But knowing the essential friendship skills isn't the same thing as being able to make friends. And friends are very important to happiness. The more I've studied happiness, in fact, the more convinced I've become that loneliness is a very common and very serious challenge to happiness. I think it's a subject that deserves more attention.

Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree: strong social ties are a key -- arguably the key -- to happiness. You need close, long-term relationships; you need to be able to confide in others; you need to belong; you need to get and give support. Studies show that if you have five or more friends with whom to discuss an important matter you're far more likely to describe yourself as "very happy."

Not only does having strong relationships make it far more likely that you take joy in

2011 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2011 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2011 a happier year -- and even if you haven't officially signed up for the challenge -- welcome! Last month's theme was neighborhood, and last week's resolution was to Call up past memories. Did you try that resolution? Did it boost your happiness? This month's theme is Self-control.

This week's resolution is: To increase self-control, boost your energy level.

To increase self-control, boost your energy level..MP3 for Audio Podcasting

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
8 tips for boosting your energy right now.
A new study explains why I can use self-control to meet one challenge, but not two.
14 tips for getting more sleep--and why it matters.

How about you? Have you found any good strategies for boosting your self-control? We all need as many as we can get.

If you're new, here's information on the 2011 Happiness Challenge. It's never