Blog Posts by Gretchen Rubin

Nagging is unpleasant for both participants. If you find yourself on the naggee side of the equation, how can you put a stop to the nagging? Try these strategies:

One main reason for nagging is that a naggee isn't responding. Some folks seem to think if they don't answer, somehow, all will be forgotten. To the contrary. Because the nagger doesn't feel heard, the nagging continues unabated. So if you're being nagged:

1. Answer, to show that you've registered what was said. "Okay, I need to stop at the store on the way home."
2. Commit to a deadline. "I don't have time today or tomorrow to deal with the car insurance, but it's on my calendar for Friday, and I'll take care of it then." One unpleasant thing about being nagged is hearing the nag, nag, nag voice in your ear.
3. Find a WORDLESS way to be reminded to do a chore. Ask the nagger to put light-bulbs on the counter if the light-bulbs need to be replaced.
4. Ask to be reminded in writing, with notes or Read More »from If you're tired of being nagged all the time, here are 8 tips to STOP the NAGGING

Every couple fights.

Research shows that these conflicts fall into two categories: those that can be solved, like what movie to see on Saturday night, and those that can't be solved, like how to spend money. Unfortunately, almost 70% of conflicts fall into the irresolvable category.

Since we know we're going to fight, it's important to learn to fight right. Studies reveal that how a couple fights matters more to the health of their relationship than how much they fight.

A couple with children has an additional pressure on their fighting style, because they owe it to their kids to maintain a certain level of civility, even if they'd take a no-holds-barred approach in private.

Here are some tips about how to fight right in front of children:

1. Don't get physical -- obviously, not hitting, but also no throwing things, breaking things, or slamming doors.

2. Don't criticize your spouse with sweeping generalizations, like "Your father never thinks about anyone but

Read More »from Six tips for how to FIGHT RIGHT in front of children.

I've become a believer in catchphrases. Each day, I re-read my Twelve Commandments, and I know that having these ideas fresh in my mind really does influence my behavior.

I also have catchphrases posted in strategic places around my house - "Enthusiastic and creative" is on my desk, "Quiet mind" is in the bedroom, etc.

Studies show that by keeping certain ideas active and accessible through review and repetition, you can shape the way you think.

I've been asking other people for the phrases they repeat to themselves for inspiration or reassurance. Some people get their catchphrases from Virginia Woolf or T. S. Eliot or the Bible; some people get them from popular culture; some people make up their own.

Here are some good ones I've heard:

There's no wrong decision here.
Patience.
Always say hello.
Cut people slack.
What would my mother do?
Actually, this is good for us.
On, Stanley, on.
React to the situation.
Be easy to please.
Lighten up, Francis.
Fake it Read More »from One big tip for changing the way you think.

Often, the nicest gift isn't something that can be purchased. We don't always have time to perform a heroic act of thoughtfulness, but even quick good deeds can make a difference. Appling the tips below, I've been astonished by the huge benefits that have sometimes flowed from pretty minimal efforts on my part.

Key concepts to bear in mind as you do an easy good deed: imagination and follow-through:

1. Birthdays. This is so easy. Gather the dates of important birthdays, enter them into one of the internet reminder sites (I use Happybirthday.com), and send happy-birthday emails throughout the year. Super-bonus: two friends sent me emails yesterday for the Little Girl's birthday-I was so touched.

2. Thinking of you. I'm working hard to send an email every time I think, "I wonder if So-and-So saw this article about broccoli" or "This reminds me of the time in college when So-and-So and I went shopping during a hurricane," etc. It's so nice to know that people are thinking

Read More »from 5 tips for performing easy good deeds

Exercise is a key component of happiness. If you want to boost your happiness, one of your top priorities should be adding exercise to your day. I take a yoga class twice a week and a strength-training session twice a week, and I know that my regiment contributes a lot to my happiness.

I asked my two instructors if, when a new person approached them, they could detect whether that person was likely to stick with the program or drop out.

They both agreed that there are warning signs. So take this quiz. If one of the statements below sounds like the kind of thing you'd say, beware. You may need to make a special effort to stick to a program.

Check off any statement that sounds like it could have come out of your mouth:

"This time, I'm really going to stick to it! I mean it, I'm totally, 100% committed!"

"I'm potentially thinking that maybe I might join this class."

"Well, afternoons don't work. And I can't do mornings. I can come Tuesdays at noon,

Read More »from A quiz—are you at risk of dropping out of your new exercise program?

Lord Chesterfield, a British statesman and man of letters, was very preoccupied with worldly success. In his Letters, he bombards his son with advice about how to succeed in society.

Samuel Johnson remarked that these letters "teach the morals of a w----, and the manners of a dancing master." Not exactly a rousing endorsement.

Nevertheless, I think Lord Chesterfield has some provocative insights. Here's an assortment of his advice:

"Pleasing in company is the only way of being pleased in it yourself."

"The very same thing may become either pleasing or offensive, by the manner of saying or doing it."

"Even where you are sure, seem rather doubtful; represent, but do not pronounce, and if you would convince others, seem open to conviction yourself."

"You will easily discover every man's prevailing vanity, by observing his favourite topic of conversation; for every man talks most of what he has most a mind to be thought to excel in."

"The sure way to excel in

Read More »from Tips for pleasing in society, from 1774.

Don't confuse what you must do with what you choose to do. For example:

You don't have to carry around a bottle of water.
You don't have to finish a magazine before you throw it away.
You don't have to dress to express your individuality.
You don't have to drink wine with dinner.
You don't have to carry a wallet.
You don't have to watch reality TV.
You don't have to take a shower every day.
You don't have to check your email every minute.
You don't have to get a manicure.
You don't have to answer your phone.
You don't have to use hair conditioner.
You don't have to send out holiday cards.
You don't have to read or watch crime reports.
You don't have to keep up with sports news or celebrity gossip.
You don't have to have house plants.
You don't have to wear uncomfortable shoes.

You do have to keep some cash around at all times.
You do have to call when you're going to be late.
You do have to remember theRead More »from Tips for what you don't have to do--and what you do.

ThinkstockThe beginning of a new year is a promising time to resolve to live a better life, but that goal can sure seem overwhelming. So here's a list of a few things that everyone can do every day.

So, at the very least, after a discouraging day, I can comfort myself, as I climb into my smooth, tidy bed, "Well, at least I went for a walk. I ate an apple. I gave the Big Man a hug."

Every day…

Make your bed.

Wear sunscreen.

Wear your seat belt.

Go for a ten-minute walk.

Eat a fruit or vegetable.

Put your keys away in the same place.

Touch everyone in your house with affection.

* There's been a lot of interest in the one-page discussion guide for book groups. Because so many people mentioned that they're reading The Happiness Project with their church group, or in a spirituality book group, and the like, I wrote another one-page discussion guide that focuses on the spiritual aspect. If you'd like either discussion guide (or both!), email me at grubin at

Read More »from Tips for the minimum to do every day