Blog Posts by Gretchen Rubin

There are two traps in happiness.

The first trap is deciding to make a tiny change when a big change is needed. If you hate your job, figuring out a way to stop working on the weekends isn't going to solve the underlying problem.

The second trap - and I think the more common trap - is believing that a small change won't make a difference, that only radical change can make you happier.

I'm constantly amazed by the big boost in happiness I get from small changes. Sometimes, though, it can be hard to identify the places where a small improvement could yield big happiness benefits.

So try these two steps if you feel like you need a happiness lift.

Step one:
Look for one of these…

…for a drawer or closet that's packed too full to shut easily

…for an accumulation of objects that don't have a place to go

…for a subject that fills you with guilt ("I really owe my grandmother a call")

…for a part of your body that hurts or worries you ("That mole looks

What have I learned, with time and experience? Not much, I fear.

Here are my Secrets of Adulthood. Although these items may not seem particularly profound, each one was a revelation when I finally figured it out:

The days are long, but the years are short.

Someplace, keep an empty shelf.

Turning the computer on and off a few times often fixes a glitch.

It's okay to ask for help.

You can choose what you do; you can't choose what you LIKE to do.

Happiness doesn't always make you feel happy.

What you do EVERY DAY matters more than what you do ONCE IN A WHILE.

You don't have to be good at everything.

Soap and water removes most stains.

It's important to be nice to EVERYONE.

You know as much as most people.

Over-the-counter medicines are very effective.

Eat better, eat less, exercise more.

What's fun for other people may not be fun for you -- and vice versa.

People actually prefer that you buy wedding gifts off their

One thing I've discovered from doing my happiness project is - no surprise - it's easy to make a resolution, but it's not always easy to keep a resolution.

I'm fascinated by the question: what allows people to keep resolutions? Why does one couch potato suddenly decide to start going to the gym, and then goes regularly for years, while another similar couch potato just can't stick with a program? Why does my sister keep resolving to learn to cook, but never follows up? Why can't I make myself floss regularly? And yet I've been able to keep my one-sentence journal.

The first step is to make a concrete, well-directed resolution. Samuel Johnson wrote a prayer that includes the line, "O GOD, grant me to resolve aright, and to keep my resolutions." At first, this puzzled me. I understood praying for the strength to keep resolutions, but why make the special request to be able to "resolve aright"? Now I understand that resolving aright is very important. (See #1 below.)

The

In doing my happiness project, I've been repeatedly struck by how hard it is to follow the first of my Personal Commandments, to "Be Gretchen." Why is it so difficult just to accept my own nature?

Two of my favorite Secrets of Adulthood remind me to Be Gretchen: "Just because something is fun for someone else, doesn't mean it's fun for you - and vice versa" and "You can choose what you do, but you can't choose what you like to do."

I've noticed that people often assume that everyone enjoys the same activities that they enjoy, because they believe those activities are inherently enjoyable. For example, when I commented on how well a friend had arranged some flowers, she explained, "I needed a part-time job during college, so of course I tried to get a job at a flower shop."

"Why did you try to work at a flower shop?" I asked, puzzled.

"Well, everyone loves working with flowers," she answered matter-of-factly.

Well, actually, nope. I would never try to get a job in

I've posted this list before, but I'm posting it again, because the issue of nagging is something that people raise with me frequently in discussions of happiness. It turns out that being a nag is just as unpleasant as being nagged -- so figuring out how to end nagging brings a real happiness boost to a relationship.

But even though no one enjoys an atmosphere of nagging, in marriage, or any partnership, chores are a huge source of conflict. How do you get your sweetheart to hold up his or her end, without nagging?

One of my best friends from college has a very radical solution: she and her husband don't assign. That's right. They never say, "Get me a diaper," "The trash needs to go out," etc. This only works because neither one of them is a slacker, but still - what a tactic! And they have three children!

That's something to strive for. But even if we can't reach that point, most of us could cut back on the nagging. Here are some strategies that have worked for me:

Several people have said to me, "When you're making a resolution, it's better not to say 'No' or 'Don't' to yourself. You should keep it positive. Find ways to say 'yes'!"

I think there's some merit to thinking about resolutions this way - but I don't agree completely. First of all, sometimes it feels good to say "No" to yourself. For instance, I resolved No more drinking (mostly), and that resolution has made me much happier. (If you're giving something up, you might want to take the "Are you a moderator or an abstainer?" quiz.)

Also, sometimes following a "Don't" can make you very happy. Here are the five great don'ts of my happiness project - admittedly, some of them are fairly controversial:

1. Don't get organized.

2. Don't use my self-control.

3. Don't treat myself.

4. Don't practice random acts of kindness.

5. Don't try to keep that resolution.

My personal favorite is "Don't get organized." What do you think? Have you made a "don't" resolution

One of the challenges of writing is...writing. Here are some tips that I've found most useful for myself, for actually getting words onto the page:

1. Write something every work-day, and preferably, every day; don't wait for inspiration to strike. Staying inside a project keeps you engaged, keeps your mind working, and keeps ideas flowing. Also, perhaps surprisingly, it's often easier to do something almost every day than to do it three times a week. (This may be related to the abstainer/moderator split.)

2. Remember that if you have even just fifteen minutes, you can get something done. Don't mislead yourself, as I did for several years, with thoughts like, "If I don't have three or four hours clear, there's no point in starting."

3. Don't binge on writing. Staying up all night, not leaving your house for days, abandoning all other priorities in your life -- these habits lead to burn-out.

4. If you have trouble re-entering a project, stop working in mid-thought -

We all know we're supposed to set reasonable boundaries, have clear expectations, follow predictable routines, blah, blah, blah-but what can you do right this minute if your child is starting to howl with frustration after learning that no, actually, we're out of Cheerios?

These are strategies that have worked for me.

The secret is to acknowledge the reality of children's wishes. This sounds obvious, but think about how easy it is to deny their feelings: "You can't possibly want another Lego set, you never play with the ones you have." "That toy is just junk." "You can't be hungry, you just had dinner." "Of course you want to go, you love going to Grandpa's house." "You're not scared of clowns."

When you don't fight children's feelings, they're better able to handle frustration.

1. Write it down. This is weirdly effective, even with kids too young to read. Seeing you put words on paper reassures them that you've registered their desires. At first, with the Big Girl,