Blog Posts by Gretchen Rubin

One of the main twelve themes of my happiness project is marriage. For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central elements in my life and my happiness.

When I started my happiness project, and I reflected about the changes I wanted to make -- as well as the resolutions I wanted to keep in order to bring about those changes -- I realized I had five particular problem areas in my marriage. Here they are, along with the strategies I try to use to address them:

1. My demand for gold stars. Oh, how I crave appreciation and recognition! I always want that gold star stuck to my homework. But my husband just isn't very good at handing out gold stars, and that makes me feel angry and unappreciated.

I figured out a good strategy. I used to tell myself I was doing nice things for him - "He'll be so happy to see that I put all the books away," "He'll be so pleased that I finally got the trunk packed for camp" etc. - then I'd be mad when he wasn't appreciative.

I'm extremely lucky with fate as it relates to my mother-in-law and father-in-law. We get along very well, which is fortunate, because we live right around the corner from my in-laws, and I mean right around the corner. You don't even have to cross the street; one lone skinny townhouse separates our apartment buildings. I see my in-laws many times each month.

Obviously, though, many people aren't in such a happy circumstance. I've noticed that relationship problems with in-laws are among the most common issues that people raise - whether people complaining about their spouse's parents, or people complaining about their kids' spouses. In-laws have a unique power to drive us crazy.

These tips apply, of course, only if your in-laws aren't actually abusive, or dangerous, or so malicious that it's just not possible to be around them. Assuming that they aren't quite that horrible, here are some points to consider:

1. Remember the mere exposure effect. It turns out that

Family_tree

I'm extremely lucky with fate as it relates to my mother-in-law and father-in-law. We get along very well, which is fortunate, because we live right around the corner from my in-laws, and I mean right around the corner. You don't even have to cross the street; one lone skinny townhouse separates our apartment buildings. I see my in-laws many times each month.

Obviously, though, many people aren't in such a happy circumstance. I've noticed that relationship problems with in-laws are among the most common issues that people raise - whether people complaining about their spouse's parents, or people complaining about their kids' spouses. In-laws have a unique power to drive us crazy.

These tips apply, of course, only if your in-laws aren't actually abusive, or dangerous, or so malicious that it's just not possible to be around them. Assuming that they aren't quite that horrible, here are some points to consider:

1. Remember the mere exposure effect. It turns out that

Some time ago, I posted sixteen suggestions for feeling happier at work by tackling aspects of your work space and your day. But actually, your relationships with your co-workers has more influence on your happiness.

Maybe you have lots of co-workers -- or maybe, like me, you work by yourself so you have to fashion your own "colleagues." Here are nine strategies that I've used at various point in my work life:

1. Although some people believe it's best to keep work life and personal life separate, and therefore avoid making friends with colleagues, for most people, having strong friendships makes work more fun. Science supports this: having close relationships is essential to happiness, strengthens the immune system, and reduces anxiety. However…

2. If you're in a long-term relationship, avoid creating situations that might put you in the path of temptation. (Here are five tips to avoid having an office affair.)

3. If you work alone, take time to mix with other people

I do a lot of reading, and one of the few downsides to that habit is that I often lose track of the source of an idea or phrase. I've spent hours trying to track down an anecdote or a fact that didn't strike me as important when I read it, but that later on, I wanted to look at more closely.

Sometimes I even jot down a note without remembering to include the source. For example, I'm very intrigued with a new word: querencia. Where the heck did I come across it? Oh well. For some reason, the word caught my eye, and I spent some time tracking down its meaning.

During a bull fight, the bull will sometimes stake out a particular part of the ring where it feels safe: its querencia. Perhaps it's a corner, in a square field, or perhaps it's a place where the bull successfully toppled a horse. Whenever the bull has a chance, it will return to its querencia.

This is a term that has great metaphoric resonance.

Each of us should find our own querencia, our sanctuary, a place to

I've been doing thinking a lot about the qualities of pride and humility.

A lot of people go through the motions of being humble, but you really have to mean it. A few months ago, I sat next to a guy I didn't know, and when I asked him what he did for a living, he said jokingly, "It's too boring, let's not talk about it." But he didn't offer up any other topics for conversation, but just waited for me to ask him leading questions. He probably thought he was being winningly self-deprecating, but instead, he was making me do all the conversational work. (Of course, it was my pride that made me annoyed by this.)

Humility is having consideration for others, appreciation for their views, curiosity about their lives, openness to correction and education by them, willingness to be interested and amused, a sense of deference, respect, and fellowship.

Here are some tips for showing humility:

1. Offer meaningful compliments: "You have a good memory," "You obviously know a lot

I was impressed by the self-knowledge displayed by a reader who emailed me to say, "I get the feeling that other people find me difficult. I'm trying to figure out why I always seem to be rubbing people the wrong way."

The thing is, some people are...difficult. Most difficult people, however, probably don't realize quite how difficult others find them to be. They have their own - perhaps quite reasonable - explanations for the things they say and do, and they don't recognize how they're affecting other people.

In his excellent book The No A****** Rule (I'm omitting the title for fear of spam-blockers), and also on his blog, Work Matters, Bob Sutton has a quiz to help people recognize if they are a*******. I was inspired to adapt that material for this quiz.

As you answer these questions, be brutally honest with yourself. Don't make excuses for yourself or other people; just try to answer accurately. These questions apply to family members gathering for a birthday, or to

I was talking with some friends the other night, and we got in a very interesting conversation about the fall-out from various surprise parties. Turns out that surprise parties are more perilous than I'd thought.

One friend threw a lavish party for her husband. "He loved it, but for months after," she recalled, "he was very suspicious. He kept asking me what I was doing, whom I was calling. I think it truly unnerved him to realize that I could organize something that big without him knowing. What else was I up to?"

"I went to a party where the wife was absolutely flabbergasted that her husband could pull off the surprise party," observed another friend. "It really shook her concept of her marriage. She thought of herself as the organized, logistically-minded one who had to take care of everyone. But it turned out her husband could do that stuff, too. So maybe she wasn't so essential."

"Yes," added someone else, who had been at the same party, "plus I think she was a bit