Blog Posts by Monika Basile

A phone conversation.
laughterA phone conversation.

"You're judging me because I don't have children. That's really ignorant." His voice is outraged.
I have no idea what to say here. I'm not judging him in the least. He is a comedian. He spends most of his time staring at himself in the mirror telling jokes. He isn't trying to be funny. He is dead serious.

"I think you have some nerve to think I am less than you since I don't have children..." What? Of course I don't think that. I think you are a bit of an ass due to you telling me you never want to take care of anyone or anything, not a plant, a goldfish or even your own apartment and that you think it is stupid for anyone to want to take care of anyone. I am trying to stay calm.

I sigh. I don't feel I owe Mr. NotFunny an explanation but I give one. "My whole life has been that of a caregiver. I have children. I work in a group home taking care of people. I welcome anyone who needs a moment of care. I have had a half

The Universe
There is one deal breaker that I will never budge on. To me, it is the most important one. It is the one instance that no matter how much I like a man, adore a man or am attracted, I will not change my mind. I can't compromise here and some may see me as a fool.

He must believe in God.

I don't care if someone has religion or even what religion they follow. I don't care if they call God a Higher Power, Allah, Supreme Being, Her, Him or even Fred. I just need to have the assurance that he will not knock my faith or make fun of me for having it. I would not do that to anyone, non-believer or believer. I simply want to know, that when the odd things that happen in my life happen-my future love will understand that I will see God somewhere in that picture.

I think that to debate my faith with one of the ones who is to love me-who I am to love, is exhausting. If you don't believe at all in the existence of a God, then you will never be able to "get" me, to understand me or to truly

a vampire

It isn't picky. It's what I can tolerate without losing my mind or laughing out loud. Sometimes it's the little things that make us realize someone isn't right for us. Yet, we have a hard time listening to our own inner voice-trusting ourselves that maybe the little thing that puts a niggle in the back of our brains, is actually a darn big deal.

I am sure there are plenty of little things about me that cause particular men to go running in the opposite direction. Odd little habits that I don't even realize I do or even huge big things that I am perfectly aware of. And that's okay-move along. I'm fine with that. Not that I am unwilling or unable to improve on myself, I just do not feel the need to try and change the little things that make up who I am or beat my head against a wall to change things I can't possibly change.

I am not asking anyone to change either. I am okay with moving along on my merry way when those little idiosyncrasies become giant, glaring red flashing lights

pink
This time of year is a strange one for me. I call it the Holiday Drawback. This is when relationships that ended, men I have loved... tend to seep their way back into my life or at least attempt to. I used to think it was because maybe, somehow, it could all be relived-but that isn't the reason at all.

I think that sometimes people look for the people they let go of who were good to them, as one looks for a set of carelessly misplaced keys. The key word here is carelessly, not misplaced. It has taken me a while to realize that but I do understand it now.

No one wants to be alone on the holidays or even living with someone who makes them feel alone. So instead they think back to a time when someone was good to them or saw the wonder in them or simply enjoyed the person they were. And they are drawn back, back to that time when maybe they felt really good for a bit. Then the thoughts get swirling wicked crazy. What happened? Hey, why did that end? Hmmm, I wonder if she still thinks of

Holding hands.
I think I have heard enough of it.

This world says so knowingly, "You should not need, not attach. You should be fine, wonderful, content with just yourself..."

I say instead, "Enough. I've heard enough." I will not be able to live in this particular version of the world any longer because I find that all that world does-is make me feel as if something is inherently wrong deep inside me. I shall instead live in this world I am surrounding myself in...one where I am connected.

The way to avoid living is to detach yourself from it-to talk yourself out of actual need and substitute the word want. The way to never get hurt by loving, is to never allow yourself to love-to not open yourself up to actually needing other people to round out your life.

So many miss the entire point of humanity, of life itself by forgetting that nothing exists alone. We are not intended too. Not one thing is supposed to be without another. Even the stars have fellow stars, a moon, a

A few weeks ago I went to dinner with a friend. We are both single and both desiring more but not with each other. I suggested internet dating. He said the ultimate worst thing, "I'm not that desperate."

I cringed-on the inside and the outside.

At the moment I am not online. I have been giving myself a bit of time to heal and get brave again. However, I may be back there soon enough. And I ain't desperate.

I said that out loud, "Hey, I internet date. I'm not desperate. I'm just actively seeking what I very much want."

He rolls his eyes and goes on to tell me how his ex wife also internet dated all over the place, constantly meeting men etc. I had to point out to him how his ex wife actually met the man of her dreams doing this and married him last year.

"Well, I'm just not that desperate yet. And there are a bunch of strange people on there anyway."

Trying to explain to someone that it is not a desperate act to date in a different way is baffling. Trying to

It's funny that the longer I am on this journey, the more I learn about myself. I wonder if this is the reason that I am still wandering alone-so I can learn everything I need to.

I used to be someone who trusted everyone-even the people I shouldn't have. I was always understanding of where a person was coming from. I was quick to forgive and make amends. I was living life as if everything were peachy keen and filled with rainbows. This thought was prominent in my head, "If I just keep plugging along it will all be fine." It was as if I covered my eyes during the scary parts of movie so I could pretend it never happened.

And then reality punched me hard in the face...several times. Really.

I have noticed recently, I seem to have gone the other way-I am filled with mistrust. Yes, there are reasons. I've been lied to. I've been used. I've been hurt. I am terrified of it happening again and again. Trust no one. I know that is a line from somewhere and I can't remember

I have noticed a pattern in my life. A pattern that is ugly and gaudy. A pattern-that I want to change. I want to change it right now.

I have been a settler. I have been a woman whom has settled for scraps and thought I was having the best parts and not the cast offs-the parts most would scrape into the garbage-this has been what I have kindly taken as my due. No more. No more will I settle for the least of things while living in fear that this is all there is to be offered to me.

The common denominator in it all is me. It is my behavior whether I realized it or not. It is me and I allowed it. I wonder how I end up in the very same spot no matter which road I start on. I am the one who winds up with a huge plate of nothing and it takes me too long to realize that it is just that-nothing. It has taken me even longer to understand that I want, need and deserve much more and that I have the right to expect to get as much as I give.

When I look back on the relationships I