Blog Posts by Steven Petrow

Image via IStockPhoto.com Question: Since you write so often about the fact that "language matters," I'm curious whether it's OK to wish friends and colleagues a "Merry Christmas." When some people say it, I sometimes feel that there's a subliminal message of evangelical Christianity with all its trappings, including homophobia. So, is it "Merry Christmas," "Happy Hanukkah," or "Happy Holidays"?

Answer: Actually, I think you have it a bit turned around, my friend. You may not have heard, but there is a hushed (and sometimes not so hushed) "War on Christmas." Conservatives (whether Christian or not, I can't say for sure) complain that the milquetoast greeting "Happy Holidays!" is an effort by a "Jon Stewart-Stephen Colbert-Nancy Pelosi-Barney Frank" conspiracy to kill off Christmas as we know it. Apparently, their nefarious goal is to have no more "Santa Baby," no more White House Christmas tree, and no more jolly greetings of "Merry Christmas!"

If anything, Gov. Rick Perry has only added to this

Image via Workman Publishing.With the legalization of same-sex marriage and civil unions making a steady march from shore to shore (and in between), chances are there's a gay wedding in your future. If that wedding (or commitment ceremony) is your own, congratulations! If it's the wedding of a friend, coworker or family member, congratulations again! Either way, you'll need help getting ready to celebrate the day with grace and style. That's why I wrote The New Gay Wedding: A Practical Primer for Brides and Grooms, Their Families and Guests (Workman Shorts), which will help you navigate this still-unmapped territory, providing answers you won't find in traditional wedding-planning books. (This original e-book is adapted from my great big book on etiquette, eponymously titled Steven Petrow's Complete Gay and Lesbian Manners: The Definitive Guide to LGBT Life.)

The first thoughts about any wedding or commitment ceremony (after the romantic bits are taken care of!) usually center on logistics: the invitations,

Image from OutVite.comQuestion: I've been in a relationship and living with my girlfriend for 18 months now. This is the second year my parents haven't addressed their holiday card to the two of us - even though they include my brother's wife and my sister's husband on each of theirs. I don't want to make for any more Yuletide drama than necessary, but what is the best way to tell them I feel slighted and to get them to include her?

Answer: Let's start on the high road, which is always the best place to be. I trust that when you've sent them birthday or holiday cards, you've signed them from both of you ("Love, Margaret & Pam") and that your return address (whether hand-written or one of those pre-printed labels) says something like, "Spaulding-Rich," "Margaret & Pam" or some other variation that is both easy to copy and makes clear that you are a couple. If you haven't, please start there. I've found that folks of a different generation sometimes get all twitchy when they don't know how to address

(Image via IStockPhoto.com)Q: I'm so excited that the holidays are almost here. My friends call me a "Christmas junkie" - that is, when they don't refer to me as "the gay Martha Stewart." Maybe it's because I'm still trying to recreate that perfect Courier & Ives experience. Anyway, here's my question for you (actually two questions): My boyfriend, Houston, and I are going to my parents' home for the holidays, and I haven't come out to them yet. I was thinking that I'd tell them about Houston and me once we're already there, but he isn't so sure that's a great idea. And then there's the question of where we sleep when we're home. I think if my parents knew we were a couple they'd split us up, but if they thought we were just friends they'd likely let us bunk together in my old bedroom (twin beds). As you see, so many questions!

A: Yes, so many questions, so little time! If I understand your predicament correctly, your parents think you're straight and are visiting for the holidays with a buddy - not a

(Image via iStockphoto.com)Q: I was having dinner with some friends last weekend, and of course the subject of the Penn State scandal came up. One of the straight guests was on a rant about it, and said, "This is a perfect example of why gays shouldn't be parents." I was so angry I was afraid to say more than just "that's crap!" The group changed the subject immediately - but I feel as though I missed a chance to teach this ignoramus a thing or two. Is there an appropriate way to talk about issues like these without losing my temper?

A: Given the explosive nature of this topic, congratulations for limiting your outburst to "that's crap!" I, too, would have been hard-pressed to restrain myself. But as you can imagine, I'm a proponent of civility, not only as a value, but also as an effective tool to persuade others to your point of view. (That being said, if a rant or a chokehold is due, it's against Jerry Sandusky, the alleged child molester, and the Penn State officials who abrogated both their legal and

Q: I've been with my partner for two years now. When Diane first met my folks, she, being from the South, called them "Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So." After we had made several visits they suggested Diane call them by their first names, which she has done now for quite some time. As for me, Diane's Southern parents have never said, "Please call us Margaret and John," and I find it odd to still be referring to them as "Mr. and Mrs. Mason-Dixon" after all these years. Now that we're planning to get married, I'd really like to suggest a name change to something less formal so that it actually feels like we're a family. Is it OK to just ask them? By the way, did I mention we're adults - in our late 30s!?

A: Here's the bad news: Southerners are funny about their names (and I say that with some authority, living in North Carolina and having a born-again Southerner as a mother-in-law). For those of a certain generation down south, it's been a long tradition to refer to one's elders as "Mr. and

Q: I'm a grandma who with two adult children, one of whom is trans. She was my son and isnow my daughter. My other daughter has two young 'uns - 11 and 13 - and she doesn't want them knowing anything about their new aunt. I think they need to know, if only because we'll all be getting together for the holidays, and something needs to be said. I'm very proud of my "new" daughter and want to help her with her niece and nephew, but my other daughter insists I keep out of it until the kids are older. I can't keep out of it - so what's the best way to help? Oh, and is she now their aunt instead of their uncle?

A: Two snaps to you - first for sticking up for your trans daughter and second for standing up to your other one. You're absolutely right when you say, "something needs to be said." It's not as though your new daughter can join the family without some sort of introduction that makes note of her new gender identity and the name she's chosen to go by.

For help with your

Q: I've been trying to follow the media coverage about the mental health clinic that Michele Bachmann's husband runs, but I'm not sure what "reparative therapy" is. Can you explain?

A: First, let's be clear on one point: there's a big difference between so-called "reparative" or "gay-to-straight" therapy and legitimate psychotherapy. Many gays and lesbians, especially when they're first coming out, find that fully qualified, gay-affirmative therapists can help them build self-esteem, overcome any shame or pain over being gay, and develop new social skills that can lead to stronger relationships. For instance, after I came out to my parents (eons ago), they "suggested" I go see a psychologist, which I did. Ironically, I wound up in the hands of a very capable gay shrink who helped me tremendously and set me on a firm path for the remainder of my twenties and beyond. Of course, not everyone who is coming out or gay needs to go visit a therapist; far from it. After all, being gay is