Blog Posts by Spinsterlicious

I got a call the other day from a Favorite Reader who was feeling down about being single...primarily because she was feeling really lonely. As we talked, it became clear that this feeling of loneliness wasn't completely about being single. She was really missing her family and feeling frustrated about being disconnected from them. She isn't close to her siblings (her parents are dead) and she was dreading the coming holiday season which is usually rife with family celebrations. Moreover, she also mentioned that she had begun to spend more and more time at home, "hermit-like" as she called it. Being a hermit could certainly prompt some loneliness. I think she needs to (re)build a few relationships with people she likes to spend time with.

When I hung up the phone, I continued to think about why being single mostly works for me. Among other things (like I don't want to be with the same person all the dang time), I think one of the most important things that help me to have a

So, yes, I'm mostly pleased with my Spinsterlicious life...but maybe I'm a little odd, too. I dunno. My friend, Lorraine, has an adorable son, AJ. One day he asked his parents, "Is Auntie Eleanore a grown-up?" I loved it because I was sure he was implying, "she's so youthful and cool and fun, she couldn't possibly be as old as you two are!" (His parents are actually younger than I am). Alas, turns out he was saying something really different. What he meant was "…because she doesn't have a husband or any children". Uh-oh. Even at 4 years old, he understood that I hadn't done what I was supposed to do. (Sigh).

Fast forward a few years. The New York Times Magazine ran an article "What Is It About Twenty-Somethings" that talks about the traditional transition to adulthood as having five milestones: completing school, leaving home, becoming financially independent, marrying, and having a child! WTF!? I'm stuck at stage three. So AJ isn't the only one who thinks I'm not a grown-up.

I think online dating is fantastic, in theory. In practice it's a lot more tricky. When online dating first appeared, it had a stigma attached. It was weird. Creepy even. I recall that a handsome successful guy I knew was doing it when online dating was in its infancy and I remember thinking "what's wrong with him"?

Online dating back then was so new and different that most people didn't quite know what to make of it. (Some still don't.)

But then it became rather normal. I joined a site or three and came to really like it. I liked that these sites gave me the opportunity to meet a lot of interesting and fun guys who I would never have encountered in my ordinary travels. What I liked most was that online dating was still new enough that only guys who were looking for a serious relationship were using it. I met several long-ish term boyfriends that way.

That's all changed now. Online dating sites are filled with all kinds of people: the serious, the-not-serious,

I am a "woman of a certain age". (Love that expression; it says everything...and not much at all). Never married, no kids. Spinsterlicious. And I've got a pretty fantastic life. I'm pretty good at dating and I have a nice career running my own consumer research and strategy company that has brought me a vacation home, an active social life, and travels around the world.

A lot of people still wonder, though, how a "fantastic life" could be possible since I haven't done what every woman is not only supposed to do, but is apparently driven to do: marry and give birth. What's more, I've done this by choice. I'm not anti-husband nor anti-child, but I don't think they're for everyone (really, how could anything be for everyone?), and I never felt they were for me.

For what it's worth, I'm not the only one actively choosing not to have children. Thirty years ago, only 20% of women in their early 40s had no children; according to the US Census, that number has now doubled.

One of my newest favorite tv shows is Snapped, on the Oxygen network. My sister turned me on to it. I was laid up with a cold on Sunday and came across a Snapped marathon while I was channel-surfing. Each episode is a profile of a murder case where the killer is a woman. Each year, approximately 16,000 people are murdered in the United States. Only 7% of the killers are female (FBI Uniform Crime Reporting Program). I'm assuming that since murder by a woman is so rare, this is why Snapped explores the crime and, more interestingly, the lives of the women who did the killing. Who are these women and what drove them to kill?

From what I can tell, the majority of the cases are about a woman who killed her husband or boyfriend. Part of me is embarrassed that I now watch this show. I mean, imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. Suppose there was a show with a tongue-in-cheek name about men who killed women? I'd be horrified.

I saw a stat somewhere that 1500 women in the U.S.

I am so glad I don't have a daughter. Why? Well… I know that I would be mostly responsible for raising her, teaching her values, and being her favorite role model but I wouldn't be able to control it all…not 100%. Just like I did when I was young, one day she would look around and start checking out other women, finding other people to admire, to look up to, to model herself after. And that's when I would get scared. I would want to ban television from her life so my child wouldn't grow up to be a fool.

Where is this concern coming from? From my issues with Reality TV. I don't even watch a lot of it, but I don't have to. Clips from the most outrageous segments are shown on the news, talk shows, newsmagazines, program promos, and recaps like The Soup. They're kinda hard to miss.

I used to think that the chicks on The Jersey Shore were pretty bad. Not so much anymore. One could argue that they're young and allowed to be foolish…even reckless because that's what your youth is

When I was much younger --20 years old-- I remember being full of excitement…happy to be an almost-grown woman of legal age and jazzed about all that this meant to me: I could drink…legally. I would be an adult so didn't have to listen to and do what other people told me (something I was never good at). I would be graduating from college soon and ready to tackle my new career. I was propelling myself forward on a real live grown-up life! I'm sure I didn't really know what all this meant, but I couldn't wait.

But if I remember correctly, I was also unsure of so many things. Like how would I find a job I really wanted? Not just a job, but one that I really wanted. And, I didn't want to marry the guy I was dating, but I really dug him; I went to college and he didn't, and he was happy with his working-class salary and I wanted more. How would we figure this out? I was socially awkward (still am, at times) and I was always annoying somebody…not only was it usually unintentional,

I had lunch the other day with my ex, Jay. We've remained friends and always have a good time "catching up" over food and drink. He had a brief marriage in his 20s, but has been single (and a very active bachelor) ever since. I, of course, have been single... well, forever.

He started telling me about how, lately, he's become very protective of his living space. Even though he has the room, he's really not that fond of having visitors stay for very long. He was a little apologetic about this...until I slapped him a high five. I totally got it.

My place, a one-bedroom apartment, is only big enough for one person (and her cute lil dog). I say this even though there are a number of couples in my building who happily live in apartments of the same size. But I, too, suffer from the same affliction that Jay has. When it comes to overnight guests, you can spend one night here, but you're pushing it with two. And this is true no matter who it is. It is true for people I love, whose company I