Blog Posts by Marni

It's amazing to me that one of the biggest frustrations I hear from women I meet is that men don't do "what they want" them to do. They text too much, are not on time, come on too strong, are too nice, too busy or don't call at all.

Geez, is it really the men who are all wrong? In even making the list above I realize that while there are plenty of men who have not yet completely MANvolved into Mr. Boyfriend Material, is it really their "fault" they are not meeting your needs? To make things trickier, when I ask women what they need or want, many can not articulate exactly what they are looking for. That said, imagine if you knew the following:

1. What you want in a partner - exactly. (And I am talking deeper than dark hair, tall and financially successful)

2. How to effectively communicate your needs and expectations in a way which vets out those who are not a match, without having to be a b---- , brash or judgemental.

3. Simple ways to set boundaries so that you can

I am always intrigued when clients ask the loaded question - the questions that seem so simple but then are ultimately the opening to a very deep place. During a coaching session this week with Susie, one of my clients, she innocently walked through the metaphorical open doorway, simply wondering how to be sexy without being objectified as a sexual object.

Then, I heard from a man named Jack, who had simply found me via Google and shared a story, asking for help. Jack had attended a party and met Emily. They had a great conversation, and as they were beginning to really click, Jack had said to Emily a nice version of, "You have a slammin' bod!" (it was actually something more like hourglass figure) Emily recoiled, and chastised Jack, leaving him confused and disappointed. He had meant to give Emily a compliment. He wrote me, wondering where had he gone wrong.

What do Jack, Emily and Susie have in common?

Let me first share what I told Jack, in response to his question. After

I get tons of emails from women who tell me that they hate dating, loathe it really, but are putting themselves out there and doing what they know they "should" in order to meet Mr. Right.

In fact, many women hate dating so much that they would rather:

1. Stay in a bad relationship, (After all, I put in "x" number of months or years thus far) holding tight to the possibility that this guy is better than the other duds they dated so maybe he is "it." (At Dating With Dignity we call this a man's "Relative Charm Factor," e.g, relative to my ex this guy has soooo much charm and potential!)

2. Convince themselves that they are "ok" being single because they love their job, work a zillion hours anyway, have awesome friends, and enjoy going night after night to the gym or watching "Housewives of Orange County and Project Runway marathons without having to battle over the remote.

3. Consistently put pressure on themselves and the men they date to determine if he is "the

A night in the field with clients is one of the best ways to really assess how her energy is being broadcast. Often, in her conscious she believes she is doing "everything" she can to meet Mr. Right. For example, she "puts herself out there," is an active internet dater perhaps, or considers herself open minded and non judgemental.

In using the D-Factor, Date-Ability Assessment, I am able to discover that this conscious self-perception often does not match the true beliefs that lie in her subconscious. This knowledge, coupled with watching someone in action, can be an amazing way to help someone tweak and polish their vibe so that they can begin to attract not who they GET, but the men they WANT.

As Julie's coach, it was my responsibility to provide her with direct feedback and coaching throughout the evening. The event was a party in the hills of Hollywood. In some respects, it was a stereotypical Hollywood event as there were an array of plasticized 20-something blondes in provocative clothing, and those men in their 40, 50s and older who seemed intent on mingling with the aforementioned blondes. However, upon closer inspection, there were also an incredible number of intelligent, appropriately dressed, well-intentioned men and women who were interested in making deeper connections with other humans. I know this because I met several of them while my client mixed in with the crowd. My client had three main areas in which we decided to work on this particular Sunday night.

1. Appropriate techniques she can use to invite men to approach her.Immediately, my client noticed that when she was interested or attracted to men, she had difficulty making eye contact. In fact, I observed that when men looked at her, she looked down, turning her head away from the man. When prompted to look directly at the potential suitor for three seconds as smile, my client literally could not do it. She realized her blocks in this area were profound.

Today I'm going to examine a huge question I often receive regarding the good stuff; particularly "I met an amazing guy" Syndrome! Many women ask how to prevent themselves from geting "too excited" when they feel an amazing connection with someone after the first or second date. You've experienced this before, right? The feelings you have when you know he is head and shoulders better than anyone you have ever met before, and you hear yourself telling your girlfriends that there is NObody who has given you butterflies like this in years. The belief (already!) that this man has everything you have EVER wanted in a partner.

Been there?

For many men (and women) it seems the word, relationship has become a "bad" word. Remember when you were in grade school, worried about getting caught using one of George Carlin's "7 Words You Can Never Say on Television?" These words were loaded. You discussed them with your friends. You questioned their meaning. You practiced saying them, hoping you wouldn't get caught, or that you had enough zeal, zest behind each one so that the syllables would roll off your tongue easily. Flawlessly.

And in this same way, I hear women questioning the use of the "r" word. Relationship. Wondering if merely mentioning it will make a man run. Wondering if by stating that they are looking to be in a relationship with a man, the person whom they are dating will perceive this as vile, lewd, inappropriate and plain ol' icky.

There is absolutely no need to avoid this word when you are dating someone whom you are beginning to care

MEMORY plays an important role in how we hold on to limiting beliefs, process information and make choices in the world. For many women, the painful experiences we hold in our memory - memories of the past - are inhibiting our ability to live in the present. At the retreat last weekend, there were moments of frustration when a woman in class would share her "proof," emphatically stating that her limiting beliefs are based on TRUE events that happened in her life. And yes, while the pain that stems from those moments is real, it does not have to be the UNIVERSAL TRUTH. Gratefully, by Saturday afternoon, fellow students would joyfully remind each other that these limiting beliefs are only true if we choose to continue letting what has happened in the past determine what happens in the present and thus the future.

Instead, we invite you to begin using your memory as a tool that can actually work in your favor, catapulting you forward in manifesting your vision. This can be done by

One of the most alluring MANimals in the MANimal Kingdom is Mr. Elusive. He is charming, open, sensitive and seems to know exactly what to say to make your heart melt. In fact, a Mr. Elusive may even initially give you more affection, attention, and declarations regarding your special connection more than any other man you have ever dated. However, he is most likely unable to sustain the pace and may "vanish" or distant. You are not imagining that he goes hot, then cold. It's true. Here's why…

The "D-Factor" (Date-Ability Factor) Assessment identifies the unconscious thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that are "leaking" into your dating experiences. In some cases, these unconscious thoughts and feelings are so powerful you may have stopped dating, can't get beyond date one, two or three, or keep attracting the same type of MANimal into your life - MANimals who are not relationship-ready!

While uncovering these unconscious beliefs is the critical first step in making change, it is also important to note why you continually attract certain types of MANimals into your life, and what need these MANimals fulfill for YOU, even if consciously, you would never choose to date them.

As I mentioned to the two clients with whom I did D-Factor Assessment Coaching Debriefs last week, the truth is this: this stuff is unconscious. It's almost like an invisible mask you wear that features a flashing neon sign advertising exactly what you think, believe and feel about yourself, the world around you, men, and dating.

The good news is that The MANimals are also wearing masks! And, just like your mask is flashing thoughts, beliefs, and feelings, their masks are flashing too.

Let's put on our imaginary special 3-D MANimal glasses for a few minutes now, and SEE exactly what Mr. Elusive is thinking? What does he truly believe? What are his fears? His hangups? And how his actions are merely reflections of his deep, unconscious thoughts?

The Typical Mr. Elusive "D-Factor"

The Mr. Elusive will most likely have a D-Factor which reveals that his primary default tendencies, which are a conglomeration of the "Thoughts, Feelings and Beliefs" he has when he is under stress, in conflict, or even when he is merely hungry, angry, lonely or tired may look like this:

1. Mr. Elusive lives in a cycle in which he is consistently varies between anger and victimhood. While he may not direct his anger at you, he is filled with self-doubt, guilt and blame. If you are a woman who is highly motivated by "winning," or trying to capture a Mr. Elusive, you will be magnetized him as your "need to win" is on the same vibrational frequency as his self-directed anger and guilt. Often, Mr. Elusive becomes burned out by relationship or dating, which is why he will disappear. Frustrated by his inability to maintain the pacing he initiated, he will ultimately blame you, feel guilt, and disappear. Mr. Elusive typically has poor conflict resolution skills, which is why he will simply vanish instead of create an opportunity to explore his feelings, the relationship, or how to get his needs met.