Blog Posts by Jenny Isenman from TheSuburbanJungle

Sex or Oven Cleaning? Hmm...

That's the question I was faced with the other night... and after a decade plus of marriage, I chose to clean my oven. No, that was not a metaphor.

Recently, I attended one of those a sex toy parties, which a friend of mine was co-hosting. Upon entering, I was quickly introduced to our other host, the "Sexpert."

"Jenny this is Julie, she is a penis expert." No joke, that's how she was introduced. This made me wonder why people don't introduce me as something cooler.

"That's funny. I'm somewhat of a penis expert myself," I said, buffing my nails on my shirt as if cleaning an apple. Then I blathered on something about not being a pro like her, because I don't want to jeopardize my amateur status. You know, for the Olympics?

Jenny what the hell are you talking about? Did you just mention the Olympics? The Olympics of what -- hand-jobs? Just shut up, already.

MORE FROM JENNY: 15 Random Things I Wouldn't Know If I Weren't a Gen Xer

Sometimes when I'm

Read More »from Sex or Oven Cleaning - the Age Old Dilemma

Ah, the good ol' days
About a week ago I turned 40 …

I was telling a friend that I'd totally trade in my Gen X status for that of a 30 year old hipster who wears black rimmed glasses (yet has no prescription). Then I wouldn't have to admit that I spent most Saturday nights of my childhood hoping beyond hope that Charo would be the surprise guest on The Love Boat or somehow Shari and Lambchop would find themselves in an eerie episode of Fantasy Island where Shari was the puppet. (What, I'm the only one who wished for that story line? I think not.)

No, I wouldn't know a ton of things about pop culture, big hair, or bad TV, had I not been a poster child for Generation X. Things like this:

1. I wouldn't recall the Facts of Life before Edna's Edibles burned down and Cloris Leachman moved in. I'd say, "Who's Mrs. Garrett?" and "Tootie on roller-skates, really? I don't think so."

2. I wouldn't know what it would be like to get up to change the channel on the television set or how to adjust bunny ears. (For those non Gen Xers, "bunny ears" is not a reference to making a stupid finger gesture behind someone's head in a picture.)

3. I wouldn't know what it's like to use my allowance to buy the Beastie Boys License to Ill album (as in LP), and play it on my awesome record player with mono AND stereo … nor would I understand how speakers were sometimes used as makeshift bedside tables.

MORE FROM JENNY: When Your Tween Son Actually Pays Attention to You - Act Natural

4. I certainly wouldn't have learned most of what I know about grammar, science, math, and history from School House Rock. To this day, I can tell you who invented the cotton gin, why 3 is a magic number, and how our nervous system is like a telegraph line. I'm also fairly certain the Great American Melting Pot is an actual stew made by the Statue of Liberty.

5. Nor would I know what a Yuckmouth is, what to do when I hanker for a hunk a cheese. or not to drown my food in ketchup or mayo or goo.

Read More »from 15 Random Things I Wouldn't Know If I Weren't a Gen Xer

Cat People V. Dog People

Often people are one or the other in terms of their feelings about pets -- hence the terms "dog person," "cat person." Frankly, as a less common "both person" I often wonder, the way I do about the East Coast - West Coast rap rivalry, why can't we all just get along?

Unfortunately, we never can. Well, not until dog people are willing to see the cat people's side? What makes that endeavor harder is that most people who aren't cat people are actually anti-cat people.

Those people are wondering what's enjoyable about having an animal that doesn't know its name. Which for all you anti-cat people, is not true -- they know their names, they simply choose to ignore you when you use them, so that you're always aware they have the upper hand, um, paw.

More from Jenny: 20 Momisms Translated -- What We REALLY Mean

Cat people are also the victims of ruthless discrimination and stereotyping in which cat people are believed to be: losers, uncool, lazy, empty nesters, old maidsRead More »from In Defense of Cat People - What Dog People Just Don't Understand

Momisms
In my recent post about decoding Momisms, I realized that not only have I officially become a mother, I may have officially become MY mother. Not that she was bad, she was and is wonderful, but she spoke a language of cliche "parentese" that I swore would never pass my lips. No, I would never say "Because I said so," as I intended to have long conversations with my brilliant offspring in which I would explain my decision and discuss my reasoning ad nauseum.

I mean, they deserved to be talked to like adults, right? No quickie threats, or illogical arguments? Well, at least that's what I assumed when I was one of them. Now, I realize those phrases were uttered to stop from have conversations ad nauseum about EVERY LITTLE THING or because they were simply quick, to the point, and preserved sanity.

Here's a list of those things we swore we never say categorized by style -- the question is, how many of these and how many have passed your lips? (I've already said variations of 13 of them

Read More »from Phrases We Swore We'd NEVER Say but Probably Do

What Candy Sweethearts SHOULD Say - After Marriage
It's that time of year, so I picked up a pack of those V-day Sweethearts, you know, the conversation heart candies that are supposed to represent the sweet nothings you would whisper in your lover's ear before bed, like: I LOVE U, B MINE, KISS ME… blah blah blah? Those phrases are more saccharine sweet than the candy, so I thought I'd make a list that resembles real pillow talk. These are the phrases that should be etched on those cute little hearts, after a few years of marriage.

Be warned: this list is not for newlyweds, so you can refrain from reading and telling me how blissful your marriage is. Give it a few years. Ahem- I mean, I'm happy for you. Sorry, but resentment and boredom take time to cure, like a salami.

WIFE CONVERSATION HEARTS:

I BOUGHT ANOTHER PAIR OF SHOES, DON'T WORRY THEY WERE ON SALE

SHH… THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS IS ON

NO, I WON'T PUT THAT IN MY MOUTHMore...

HE GETS THAT FROM UR SIDE

IF U DID IT THE 1ST TIME I WOULDN'T

Read More »from What Those V-Day Sweetheart Candies Should REALLY Say - Married with Children Edition

Rule of Suburbia
Nearly a decade ago, I moved to the suburbs from NYC. In that time I've learned some pretty important things to ensure my survival, nay, my sanity.

If my 'burb sent out a handbook it would look something like this. Feel free to use it as a mini-survival guide. Good luck and in the words of that guy on Hill Street Blues, 'Hey, let's be careful out there.'

1. All children must be signed up for multiple sports and extracurricular activities, to ensure that no family can plan anything on a Saturday until their kids are too old to want to spend Saturdays with their family.

2. Do NOT be alarmed if you try to enter the wrong minivan or SUV, this is common. Try to lessen the confusion by putting fun stickers on your back windshield representing each of your children performing their favorite activity.

3. You can paint your house one of 477 shades of tan. Other colors will be categorically denied, so don't even try it!

4. If your child has strep or hand foot and

Read More »from 15 Tips to Help Moms Survive Life in the Suburbs

Recently I wrote about Move-a-Body-Friends. You know, those people you would do anything for, like say, move a body? Since that's a metaphor (sorta), I thought I'd make a list of things I would actually do (and in most cases already have) for my nearest and dearest. I think most women I know would, and that's why the fairer sex is kinda awesome!

1. Be designated driver on a girls night out because I know you need a glass of wine (or shot of vodka) more than I do, and trust me, I need one.

2. Hold your hair if you're throwing up in a club, which probably wouldn't happen because we're so, not that cool anymore.

3. Call your parents/children/husband to have an intervention if you get hooked on Meth, Crack, or One Direction.

4. Pretend I need you to fix my bra strap to save you from a tedious conversation with a boring mom at the playground or that annoying guy at Starbucks.

5. Despise someone I barely know because of something they've done to you, and

Read More »from 20 Things Women Would Do for Their Besties (Mom Edition)

valentinecard Okay, so the title isn't exactly PC, but what parent doesn't secretly love it when their child says they want to marry them? I mean for how many years are they going to want to make-out with, hug, snuggle, or hold your hand?

On February 14th last year my daughter came in to wish me a happy Valentine's Day, to give me a stunning hand-made card, and to neck. "Oh, this card is awesome. Come give Mommy a kiss," I said in a very innocent non-incestuous way. My daughter, maybe wanting to show me the magnitude of the holiday, grabbed my face with both hands and planted the biggest smooch on me, I almost started to giggle mid-peck. But, she wasn't done; she started turning her head from side to side in her best iCarly imitation. "Ummm, okay cutie," I said feeling partly amused and partly violated.

"But, Mommy I want one more kiss," she said as she came in for another.

"Hon, you gotta save those kinds of kisses for your husband and pillows" I said, as if they're in limited

Read More »from A Valentine’s Day Smooch with my Daughter | Jenny from the Blog