Blog Posts by Shani Fenderson

I can honestly say that I never had a relationship that lasted till Valentines Day; with the exception of one who I was engaged to. Even that didn't even seem like an official valentines day. I was reminded today of the occasion, season what have you, when I went to the store. While walking down the aisle noticing the roses, stuffed animals, and candy, I realized that maybe I am just not cut out for being someone's mate. I am not feeling sorry for myself or beating myself up; the realization just occurred to me about relationships that I have been in.

There were seven men in my life that I could count as being in a full relationship with; both parties agreed that we were dating. Out of the seven, two have passed away, two are married, and the rest have found their true hearts desire. I was left without but am now filled with new emotions, growth, and acceptance. Never once did I feel a since of regret. All of them have helped mold me into who I am today. Many of them are still

You may be going through some trails right now. You may be under a microscope with those around you watching your every move. They want you to misstep in order to build themselves up. You may have many enemies trying to form against you. In the midst of it all what are you doing? Are you conforming to the thoughts of doubt and regret? Are you giving in to self?

I want to share with you what I have read during my studying and discussions with those who share with me and my walk. We were all reminded to not give in to the negative. If you have hurt someone, ask the Lord and the person to forgive you. If the person accepts it, then they are of Christ. If not, well they may feel they are ahead. They are like the beginning of the story of the prodigal son who during his downtrodden time, wallowed amongst the swine being tempted to eat what they ate. (The other part of his story is also good (he returns to his father), but that is for another day.)

While in his own created

As I

Sit

And

Begin to

Lay my

Burdens down

Images cross my mind of what has kept me bound

A rhythmic melody continuously pumps my heart

No longer crying

But building up

For a new start

Thump-thump, thump-thump

(Slowly surely…….)

I walk away from things that have kept me bound for too long

The miss of his smile and knowing that he will forever be gone

Hearing a new one,

Another's, voice on the opposite line

Telling me "hold on in due time"

I cry

(That old desperate and dazed love,
caught up in the maze of love
the crazy craze of love

Thought it was real
thought it was
but it wasn't love)

The tears begin to drown my emotional acceptance of me

I try to fight them back as much as I can

I yearn to be free

Free from the chains of broken promises, empty vibrations floating through the

Atmosphere waiting for nothing, grabbing a hold of something….

I dodge again to avoid

"A man can hold your hands in his, that is how a relationship should be. He should be able to guide, lead, push. You need someone strong minded. His hands can and should be able to cover and protect you. Before you get into a relationship, watch consistency, is he building you up?"
Unkown

Before I begin, I wanted to share a poem with you that I had written awhile back.

I just want more…

Now I know

He builds me up just to break me back down and

I

Cry sometimes because I am not sure of how and why he found

me

The net,

Enter into a serene moment after falling hard to an

Unruly hatred piece of a man,

Nigerian scam

I

wanted to grow again.

I found him or shall I say, I was found

It brought me back to a moment of peace,

Just

for a moment

Because all I wanted was to be at ease,

not the case

I spent more time trying to be seen,

begging

Please

Be here for me

All of his ducks aren't in a row, I

I tried going to sleep but something in me just kept brewing in my mind. I am about to put myself out on the limb again. Sometimes exposure is the only way you can help others along with yourself. The other day, and it is amazing how the Lord works. I was speaking with my cousin about how I wished certain people would read my Blog. I prayed about it, but it still festered in me that I was not being thought of. The next day my mother and I went to run a few errands. I went into a certain location while she waited for me in the car. When I returned she was reading Job. It didn't dawn on my why, I just brushed it off and preceded on to our next location. Here is the sequence that I am still replaying in my mind; the reason why I am unable to sleep.

• Someone sends me a message saying there is an important story they have to share with me about my future.
• As I pick up the phone to call the person that messaged me online, my phone rings. The person on the other end

Last year I spoke to all of you about opening up to yourself and being truthful to Christ. This season I wanted to expand a little more before allowing a mate to come into your life. In order to do that, we have to deprogram some of the things that were taught to us as children, understanding the English language, and following through with Biblical terms and ways of living.

It is the New Year, 2010, and we should recognize that 10 is the number of completion. Before we are complete however, we have to look at the reasons as to why we were bound for so many years prior. I wanted to start with resolutions. I am sure many of you have made a list promising yourself to get yourself and body back on track. How many times have you made the same promise to go to the gym at the beginning of the year and stick with it for about two or three months? I'm guilty. Do you want to know why it didn't work? Here's the deal, the reason why we go to the gym is to lose weight; that's problem number

Many of you may be thinking that this Blog is a dedication. In fact, it is. Keep reading. In my early morning prayer I was reminded that in order for me to be thankful, I have to let go. "Tomorrow is never promised" to anyone but, how you spend your time determines where you will be when Christ calls you home. I battled this year with friends coming and going. I have battled with work and transitions through life (those closest to me know the details). I have met many people either online or in person who has left me with a seed to sow or even words to remember in order to be closer to my calling.

My calling is being a soldier for Christ. My actions, I pray, have been doing just that. At times I have struggled, but I press on. This holiday season is not about being "one-up" on someone. Matter of fact, 2009 isn't even about that.

It's NOT about:

• How many number one books one may have.
• How many friends you have.
• How hard you can prove you love