Blog Posts by Em and Lo

Last week there was much ado about a church sign put up in Ohio that played on a line from Katy Perry's hit song and read "I kissed a girl / and I liked it / then I went to heck." It got taken down within 24 hours, but apparently that had less to do with the bad national publicity and more to do with local outraged churchgoers who didn't catch the pop culture reference and were just appalled at the mere mention of gay issues in public. ("What? It's on a sign? That's just free advertising for the queers!") The line was almost funny, because it's clever and snarky -- what you'd expect from Gawker, not an Evangelical church. But it's not funny because the people behind it still believe in their hearts that lesbians in loving committed relationships (never mind experimental college students) will burn for all eternity in the firey pits of heck because they were born gay (or even just because their lips momentarily brushed up against another girl's...the horror, the horror!). We could

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We wrote an article for this month's Details magazine about men who masturbate in long-term relationships. Like Lux at Boinkology, we too figured that it wasn't exactly breaking news that most men continue to slake the snake even when they're shacked up. This is 2008, after all: isn't self-love kind of a given?

But then we started asking around, and we were surprised to hear that plenty of women still take offense at their guys' self-love habit. More commonly, though, we heard from a ton of women who have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy with their guys (that works both ways) when it comes to masturbation--especially when it comes to the particulars of the masturbation fantasies. While we're all for honest communication, there is such a thing as TMI: Do you really want to know if your partner is rubbing one out to their hottie ex?

Our readers wonder whether or not masturbating to porn is cheating?

For the record, however, we did not write the headline of this article, "Jerking Off

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To "bench" someone, romantically speaking, is to put them in relationship limbo without telling them. Let's say you have a sneaky feeling that you might want to break up with your partner soon, but you're not 100 percent sure, and in the meantime you don't want to screw things up just in case you're wrong. A grownup might confess these feelings of uncertainty, but that would lead to a Big Talk (not to mention an extended period of unreciprocated oral sex if you stay together after the B.T.)--and all that melodramatic over-analyzing is precisely what you're trying to avoid right now. So you bench your partner and kind of hang out in relationship stasis, marking time until you've made up your mind whether to stay or go. During this period, there are 8 basic rules you should follow:

1. Don't introduce your partner to any more friends or family members, especially by attending a family reunion together--nothing sends a mixed message like dumping someone the day after your sibling asks

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Secret affairs will lead to disaster if you don't control the situation. Shakespeare wasn't making this sh*t up, you know.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
So, you want to be in a relationship? Well, that's all well and good, so long as you're in it for the right reasons. Defenses like "They've got a washing machine," "They give great head," "They don't totally annoy me," and "They're not very smart, so it's easy to deceive them" ain't gonna fly in the court of commitment--Judge Judy would have your ass for breakfast.

10 Better Things About Being in a Relationship

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Love and money will go hand in hand this week. Don't rule out spending some quality time with someone who interests you romantically. Likewise, don't rule out spending some cold hard cash on someone who interests you romantically. If the witty repartee and fun dates don't get you laid, the presents will.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Isn't it always the way? You fall hard

This week, our intern Maddie Phillips, a senior at SUNY Oswego, breaks out her stone tablet to lay down the ten commandments of college sex:

I. Thou shalt play the freshman field. Get to know what's out there before settling down!

II. Thou shalt not choose your lover after your 12th keg stand.

III. Thou shalt not "sexile" your roommate without previous notification.

IV. Thou shalt not hook up "quietly" while a roommate is sleeping.

V. Thou shalt not commit to videotaped sex unless confident that you will have control over its viewing. In other words, though shalt not commit to videotaped sex before graduation.

Read commandments 6-10 over at Daily Bedpost!

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Advice from our guy friends. This week they answer the question, What makes the perfect bl*wjob?

Straight single guy (Colin): Commitment. Not the emotional kind. I'm talking about the mentality an actor brings to a role, the ferocity an athlete brings to her sport. For right now this is the only thing in the world and you're going to do whatever it takes to succeed.

Perfect other sexy techniques with 14 things he wants you to know about his body.

Gay Committed Guy (Terence): Hold on, let me see how much space we've got to answer this one. Nah, it's simple really: it's for him to know and you to find out. All boys are different. He may like it slow, deliberate, just the tip, deep in the throat, hard, fast, using a hand, or a finger (heh heh), circular, bobbing--who knows? Get down there and find out. It's the only way it'll be perfect for him.

Straight Married Guy (Matt): Frequency! Okay, there's a bit more to it than that. Initiating is great--it's nice not to always have to ask for a

Dear Em and Lo,

I have recently found that mythical man that every woman wants and movies portray. He's financially stable, no ex drama, gorgeous (holy crap is he!), very sexy New Zealander accent (sounds Australian), and he's very tall (approx 6' 3"-4"). The latter part of his good qualities is what's the issue--he's tall. Meaning that everything else in his body is very much in proportion to his height. Catch my drift? We have been intimate recently (first time) and to put it lightly, I'm on a recovery status just short of doctor-prescribed bed rest. Everything else was mind-blowing, even the actual act was enjoyable. It's after. I've tried taking Motrin and using warm compresses but it's been 3 days and I'm still very sore and even have some light bleeding. I need to know how to lessen this happening again the next time we are together. Please help me!

--Saddle Sore

Related: My Amazing Sex Life Leaves Me Black and Blue

Dear S.S.,

Ouch! First of all, you probably should give your

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1. Curves are in! Britney Spears, Demi Moore, Christina Aguilera, Pink, Rihanna, Jordin Sparks, Perez Hilton...they all looked well nourished, confident and sexy (well, maybe not Perez).

2. Unfortunately, leotards are in, too. Rihanna and Pink were the worst offenders, while Katy Perry's short shorts got dangerously close to camel-toe territory; and while Christina Aguilera wasn't officially in a leotard, the spandex pants she wore for her "live" performance put her squarely in the middle of the '80s, and not in a good, ironic way. We think the "I just left the house and forgot to put my pants on" look suggests more insanity than sexiness.

3. Going pantless is not a purely female affliction, as Lil Wayne can attest. Squeezing your junk every few seconds, however, is all (inadequate or incontinent) male.

4. Use condoms or you'll become Republican.

5. In a night of technical mishaps, uninspired acceptance speeches, horrible weaves, record producers in the audience so bored they just