Blog Posts by Tina Tessina

Dear Dr. Romance:


I'm a housewife in my mid-thirties, married for 7 years, In our marital life i have never been satisfied, because our sexual never lasts more than 15 min. It makes me unhappy. I have spoken to him regarding this matter but he didn't take it seriously. I feel that he is avoiding me. In a year we have only been together for 2 times and only for 15 min. He is working permanent night shift and always claims he is tired. Sometimes i really feel that I need him very much but only get dissapointed. In the last two years, even though we are under same roof and sharing the same bed, there has been no sex. How can i handle this situation? I'm really confused and badly need a partner to share my feelings and emotions. The thing is he doesn't even have any affair outside; so why doesn't he want me?

Dear Reader:


Sex drive is quite complicated, so it's not easy for me to tell you what is wrong from your brief note. It's possible your husband's sex drive is not very strong, but

When life hands me a very difficult time, and I feel defeated and overwhelmed, I enter a hopeless and helpless state of mind I think of as The Little Orphan girl. This is the way I felt, as a teen, when I lost nearly my whole family, father, aunts and uncles, between the ages of 12 and 18. Needless to say, I was devastated; and I also survived and eventually, thrived. But little orphan girl doesn't remember that I made it through - she sinks into despair. When I realize this is going on, I know I have to snap out of it, get into adult thinking mode, and comfort and reassure that sad little part of myself.


Everyone has a similar mental place they can get stuck in-sometimes, people call it "depression" although it's not really clinical depression. It's just a form of mental exhaustion, perhaps due to grief, frustration, disappointment or some other problem. Transactional analysis calls this sad and anxious child part of the psyche the little professor, and here's how it works, and what

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The divorce was ugly, he was a jerk, but you still need to have contact with him because of your kids or finances. You hate to have to deal with him, but you have to. What can you do to make it better for yourself and your kids? Tina B. Tessina, PhD, "Dr. Romance" licensed psychotherapist and author, gives you ways to ignore his loutishness and make the relationship work for you.

Dr. Romance's 3 tips to dealing with a difficult ex:

1. Choose your battles. One of my clients said "I don't want to die on that hill." She meant: that battle isn't worth what it will cost me - I'll ignore that problem and save it for a bigger one. Don't get into adversarial positions with your ex when it's not necessary. Even if he or she drives you crazy, don't become oppositional. Save your energy for the big issues.

2. Don't react, respond. Think carefully about everything you say before you say it. Calculate your words to get the response you want from your ex, rather than to

Dear Dr. Romance:


I congratulate you for your many helpful articles on the Internet. I would like to have your advice. I am male and in the last 25 years I had a therapy experience which lasted 3 1/2 years and left me with unresolved issues; shorter therapy experiences with different therapists, which I ended, because it seemed to be prolonged pointless therapy, for the sake of therapy. I am left with frustration from the futility of these experiences. Since then, I made significant progress both in profession and family, not in spite of bad therapy. I can't find good therapists, but I have found good books. I have tried to get some therapists to help me follow the suggestions in the books but they have refused.I would appreciate it if you can suggest me a good self-help book which would help me step-by-step to become free from my negative programming.


Dear Reader:


Thank you for your kindness. From what you write, I would suggest my own book It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of

I have before about emotional hygiene and doing the necessary maintenance on feelings as well as your physical body and household. Health reminders tell us to wash our hands frequently to prevent transmittal of diseases. Did you know you can "wash" your mood, too, and give yourself an attitude adjustment whenever you want to?


When I want to have a pleasant time with my husbandRichard, I know it's important to manage my mood and keep myself on an even keel-if anything happens that's disappointing, annoying, upsetting or stressful, I need to re-balance myself and not let it get to me or spoil the day.


Here are some ideas for how to turn your attitude around in the most common mood-disrupting situations:


Disappointment and Expectations


We all have high hopes and rosy pictures of the future when we enter a new situation or relationship. So when life turns out not to be perfect, things don't go the way you hoped, or you find out your partner actually is an imperfect human, just like you,

As life develops, many of us have an urge to focus on the deeper issues-our dreams and goals, and our emotional and spiritual development. When this happens, life gradually becomes more about meaning and satisfaction and less about obligations and accomplishments. As you mature, you can focus on living the life you always wanted to live, tempered by the wisdom you have gained through your experiences. Up to this point, your life may have been centered around other peoples' wants, and the demands of work, home and family, and while those responsibilities continue, this is the time to bring your personal dreams into reality. It's time to consider what you want to do for yourself.


You have learned many things about yourself throughout your life. You know how you deal with success, with work, with financial decisions, with family, friends and with your relationships. But how much attention have you paid to your relationship with yourself? To make your dreams come true, you must turn

Dear Dr. Romance:


Almost all of my friends have boyfriends, (we're 22, turning 23) and I don't. I never have. I feel really alone during the week because all my friends are with their boyfriends. I basically work, take classes, and that's it. I either need a boyfriend or more friends, because I'm lonely and hate it!

Dear Reader:

At times in life, old friends go through changes, and it's time to make new ones. If you haven't made new friends in a while, updating your definition of friendship and increasing your skills at meeting people will be worth your while.

First, consider what being a friend means to you. Who are your best friends? What qualities dothey have? Once you have a clear idea of the kinds of friendships you would enjoy, you can decide to create more of them in your life. This can be done in two ways:

~Make changes in your current relationships: Ask your friends to participate in activities you enjoy, and spend more time with the friends whose style of friendship best

Dear Dr. Romance:


I know I feel strongly about a certain someone. Do I surprise her with a gift or e-mail her with my recent feelings through a tough time?


Dear Reader:

It sounds like you're way ahead of yourself and her. I think a gift would be completely out of line at this point. If she's responded well, have you had a date yet? Asked her out for coffee? You're right to be scared about overdoing it. You can't force a relationship by declaring your love. Save that for after you've dated for a while. Take it one step at a time. If you haven't asked her out, just ask her. If you've been dating for a while, ask her how she feels about commitment and relationships. "Guidelines for Successful Dating" will help you be successful with this woman or another. The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again can help you with these questions.