I'd like to issue a sincere apology to my no doubt enormous female readership: As of this coming Saturday, I will officially be off the market. For the I'm-sure-considerable number of you who only read AskMen on the weekends and search for me by name, by the time you read this, I will already be someone else's husband, which will be equal parts upsetting and shocking. It's been a wild ride, women of the world, and I'm truly sorry for your loss. My lasting consolation gift to you and your kind is the knowledge that someday I will produce offspring, and if those offspring happen to be male, perhaps your progeny will have the opportunity to experience (albeit in genetically diluted form) what henceforth only one woman ever will.
Marriage is an odd and confusing thing. It's not unlike when a young boy first discovers that rubbing his wiener feels really good. He doesn't know why, he just knows that it's something he wants to do, and it won't be until later on when he understands