Last night **SPOILER ALERT**they kicked off Lauren, perhaps my favorite ANTM contestant to ever live. Seriously, not since Joanie's upset by boring Danielle (now Dani) in Cycle 6 have I felt this sad over reality TV. Lauren was everything I could want in a Top Model hopeful: messy, foul-mouthed, apathetic, awkward, slightly punk (but more just dork—in a good way). Plus, she drank 40s and had absolutely no tolerance for all the show's fake sunshine-y shenanigans or the other contestants' BS. I loved her. And I sensed from the beginning of last night's episode that she was going to go.
The show opened up with the girls at the airport in Rome, waiting to get into their bus. Just a thought from the opening credits—even though there's all this talk about Whitney being a plus-size model, and yes, she is bigger than everyone else, man, she's lost some serious weight since they shot the promo. So they get into a bus —more like a van—and ride through squealing with anticipation and excitement. There's some talk of how Katarzyna has to "bring it." Then they see the Coliseum! And they all get out! And Anya literally falls out of the bus/van on her head. But there's no injury! Whew! And then Fatima talks about her documents again (yawn) and Whitney (who is holding a stuffed animal for no discernible reason), mentions that "It's a huge deal that I'm still here, no pun intended."
Then there's Tyra Mail! From a cab driver! And it's Tyra's face pasted onto the Mona Lisa's head! Clever!
The uneventful Tyra Mail is just to let them know that they have a house in Rome, as if they thought they'd be living on the bus. Come on. But, the house is beautiful, it has a pool inside and everyone is excited. Except Fatima, who is sick. With a sore throat and possibly a fever and seems like possibly the most annoying sick person ever (I told you I was grouchy about this episode).
Next (and I'm just going to race through this because now that I think about it the show was also really boring last night and the last thing I want is to bore you)...
The girls get another Tyra Mail. It's about rolling. Anya thinks they're going on a river. Nope. Guess again! They're getting on Segways, those weird, motorized stand-up scooter things!
Oh and they all fall off! A couple of times! Then they are supposed to study Italian women's style, while atop their Segways!
Next comes creepy designer Gai Mattiolo. He is old, fattish man. He gives the girls Italian makeovers (sounds dirty. wasn't.), then makes then walk for him in his clothes. He says "Domique does not look fresh" (heh). Lauren walks terribly, like the top part of her body is trying to run away from the bottom part's horsey strut.
Anya, who Mattiolo calls "so blonde, so fresh" wins the challenge. It is a fine, fine red carpet gown.
Then the girls find out that there will be a Cover Girl commercial and it...will be in Italian. Lauren crumbles. She just says "Crap, crap, crap" and how she's been dreading this "ver since she got there. Sigh.
All of the commercials are terrible and painful to look at—everyone is bad. Dominique is a tragedy and I notice something again that my best friend pointed out a few weeks ago: Dominique is missing a tooth. In a pretty obvious place. I mean, that's OK for you or me, but toothlessness does not a Top Model make. Of all the commercials, Lauren's is by far the worst. She looks scared and uncomfortable and stiff and like she should not even have suited up for this game.
At one point, near tears, she says "f*ck" and Mr. Jay explains "You said f*ck. Cover Girls don't say f*ck." Which kind of sums up Lauren's entire problem on this show....
And then it's the elimination. And it's boring. And obvious. Except for one thing: Tyra's thick bangs have suddenly disappeared—which makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE TO ME. Anyway, the judges watch the commercials and deliberate. Tyra talks in what I think should be an Italian accent, but sounds more Jamaican. Tyra and Paulina argue (I worry for Paulina's life), Tyra calls Dominique "hoochified." When they kick off Lauren, by telling her she would be a good "silent movie actress" and that "America's Next Top Model has to talk," I almost cried.
Related:
America's Next Top Model Recap: Tyra's monster zit makes her that much more monstrous
And on last night's America's Top Model...the girls drink 40s!
