Entertainment

On last night's America's Next Top Model, the pre-models learned how to be fake without being too fake during interviews and parties. Whitney was chastised for being too Pageant Queen, while Lauren was spared the Aufing yet again for the mystifying reason that Paulina and Nigel just really like her. Meanwhile, Stacy-Ann was canon fodder, which sucks because sometimes her double takes on the dramatics of her fellow contestants was the only spot of sanity in an insane fashion world. The Top Editors didn't allow her to speak more than two sentences at a time until this episode, probably because they couldn't deal with her helium chipmunk voice, but throughout this season, I have always imagined my own Stacy-Ann thought bubbles over her head, most of them containing the phrase, "Giiiiiiirrrrrrl! You do not want to go there with me." In my head, Stacy-Ann is much more street-savvy than she probably is in real life. But seriously, I was getting tired of the judges' mystifying feedback that praised her jawline but also told her to learn to hide it. Jaw pride, people!

Speaking of the Top Editors, they did their best to show the bitchy (plus) side of Whitney, who is a plus-size model, did you know that? Because she's totally plus-size. And also, not a normal model, because she's plus-size.

At least she wore, in my opinion, the TOTS best design from Jay Godfrey (or, according to Dominique, "Jay Giorgio"). Seriously, it looked a lot like a shiny blue camping tarp, but her boobage was AMAZING. I was a bit surprised that Nigel Barker could even listen to a word that came out of her mouth when even the runway interviewer was having a little trouble maintaining eye contact. And also, kudos for being able to not wear a bra and still defy gravity in that thing. Seriously, daaaaayam!

Also, the Top Editors were bound and determined to make us feel sympathy for little miss Genital Mutilation, but seriously, I had absolutely none. To be clear, I am absolutely horrified as a woman and as a human that female circumcision is still being performed on this planet but Fatima's attitude has GOT to go. Between the "I'm better than all you bitches" and the catty remarks about being the smallest model there, as though it's giving her some kind of social cred, I've had enough. Seriously, so over that.

So maybe that's why I had no sympathy for her when she whined about not having her traveling papers in order. Lady, you signed up for a competition that has gone SOMEWHERE overseas for the last 9 seasons (er, "cycles"). Is this really a surprise that you'll need the ability to leave the U.S. at some point? And the fact that Fats's lack of planning somehow fell to the producers to pull some strings, getting her an emergency meeting at the consulate which caused her to miss the damned photo shoot? That reeks of special treatment: if it had been someone like Stacy-Ann or Katarzyna (who actually spoke on camera last night for the first time in memory), I'd bet that Tyra would have cut the cord right then. I don't buy this "we had to compare each of your portfolios since Fatima didn't have a photo this week" schtick.

If taking an amazing picture (or body of work) was all that mattered on ANTM, then they can no longer justify canning a model for:

a) not looking like a model at panel (Noelle, Season 4, et al.)
b) giving lip to photographers (Brandy, Season 4)
c) being late to anything (Heather, Season 9)
d) losing their "sparkle" (Toccara, Season 2)
e) not saying "thank you" (Allison, Cycle 10)
f) Tyra forgetting they existed during panel (Nicole Borud, Season 3; Mollie Sue, Season 6)
g) being short (Jenascia, Season 2)
h) losing "drive" (AJ, Season 7)
i) seeming distant (Christina, Season 4)
j) being too smart (Elise, Season 1) or
k) because Tyra just felt like it and if you don't like it, you can kiss her fat ass (Kahlen, Season 4 and the 45 other girls who were cut despite having a great portfolio).

No wonder the Saleisha Chosen One conspiracy started. They bring it on themselves! At least Janice Dickenson never pretended that she was a fair judge.

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