By Michael Singer
1. Candy Corn. This candy also made my list of The 10 Best Halloween Candies. But hear me out: The holiday's superlative sweet will quickly turn against you if you dare consume more than five. And you will. Forget all the sultry French Maids strolling about--these are Halloween's true femme fatales.
2. Circus Peanuts - It's easy to think of these as the ultimate Halloween candy because they're orange, they have a fun shape, and they were enjoyed by your grandparents' grandparents' grandparents. Do not be fooled. These aberrations are not even flavored as peanuts, but as bananas. The only similarity this candy has to peanuts is their shape--the empty shell that covers seedy roadhouse bar floors and supplies the manufacture of wallboard. This is pretty much how circus peanuts taste as well: like wallboard soaked in artificial banana flavoring. The only likely circus association is the bygone freak show, where I imagine the Circus Peanut was displayed amongst other worldly anomalies like the four-headed goat and conjoined bearded lady, taunted by children, and perhaps pelted with real peanuts. And though they've stood the test of time, so have Palmetto bugs.
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3. Raisins. You may think you're helping to neutralize widespread early-onset diabetes by handing out raisins on Halloween. But raisins are mostly sugar. That, combined with their sticky, enamel-clinging consistency, and you've created a veritable fairground for bacteria. Kids' teeth will decay alongside your popularity. Everybody loses.
4. Smarties. These are on the worst list, not because kids don't enjoy tiny discs of pure sugar, but because for every five pounds of candy a kid collects, two pounds will be Smarties. Also, these days there are hundreds of YouTube videos of kids demonstrating how to "smoke Smarties" by crushing them up and inhaling the powder. We cannot endorse this insanity.
5. Necco Wafers. Necco Wafers are like the Smarties of 1847, when the nation's scientists were still figuring out fun and flavor. They look like slivers of sidewalk chalk, but don't taste quite as good.
6. Werther's Original. The original butterscotch sucker is not to be confused with those legions of sad sack counterfeit Werther's imitators. Just kidding, there are none. This is because candy manufacturers are interested in profit, and not some fallacious nostalgia to which adults feel little connection, let alone their kids.
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7. Plain Hershey's. Kids might not care much for cacao percentage or bean origin, but they do care about boringness.
8. Dum Dum Pops. Have you noticed that Dum Dum rhymes with humdrum? Though these lollipops are the exact size and shape of Bob Barker's microphone from when he hosted The Price Is Right, kids generally lost interest after his retirement.
9. Milk Duds. Consider it a red flag when a food item puts "dud" right in its name.
10. Tootsie Rolls. Are these supposed to taste like chocolate!? It's trick or treat, not both. Give me a candy I can use!
Share more treats: Make these adorable mini Halloween pumpkin cupcakes for this year's party.
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