The E-Lister's Guide to Maneuvering in Fancy Restaurants

If TGI Fridays is your idea of fancy dining and you wouldn't know what to do with that extra spoon they insist on putting on your table if it hit you in your mullet, here's some pointers if you ever find yourself at the same feeding trough as LeBron James.


1. I know the hostess is snotty. She's underpaid, under-appreciated, and probably hasn't eaten a decent meal in a year. That'll make you grumpy too. She's looking to stomp on anyone she can and since she controls your destiny when you enter the restaurant, it is far from wise to point out that she needs to tone down the haughtiness since you probably earn more money than her in one day than she does in a week. It'll make her bump your name to back of the wait list.

2. Yes, it's dark in many of these places. Please do not walk through the joint commenting on the poor lighting. All the hottest restaurants are owned by vampires and werewolves; due to their nightvision, they care not for your inferior human senses. Not really, but I don't think anyone actually knows where this stupid trend started and why. Your guess is as good as mine.

3. Unless the tablecloth is made of paper and the hostess hands you crayons, DO NOT draw on the tablecloths. Seriously, are you 5 years old? Put those crayons from Denny's back into your purse. It's not funny or cute.

4. You may ask for the waiter to repeat the specials in English. They will be grateful for the request since they're being forced to recite pretentious French culinary phrases the whole evening. Saying "Chicken" in English will be a treat.

5. If you do not like wine, do not order wine. Nothing looks sillier than people making a whiskey face all evening with each sip of wine. There is no shame is saying NO to fermented grapes.

6. Going with No.4, ask for translations if the menu is in another language. You don't want snails arriving at the table when you think you're getting duck. Why some restaurants in America insist on putting their menus in foreign languages is beyond me. I think they do it because they think it will scare away the rednecks, patriots, republicans, and Amish. Haha, jokes on them!

7. If you see a celebrity, do not stare at them, ask them for autographs/pictures/phone calls to friends/ect. Leave them alone, they come to these dark, snooty joints to get away from idiots who hassle them. Don't be that guy.

8. Michael Symon is not going to come to your table and laugh for your personal amusement. Don't ask.

9. Forks are for eating not picking your teeth.

10. Tip properly. Tipping is now made easy by the cell phone tip calculators. Use them!!


Servers are people too and they have the same cognitive and memory skills as the rest of us. If you tip well whenever you go to a restaurant, you may notice a trend of better service. It's called Karma. Servers will always go out of their way for guests they know will take care of them. If you think $10 on a $300 is a good tip, don't be surprised if you're sat at a table by the kitchen door and it takes 45 minutes for your water with lemon to arrive.

Don't be a jackass, use common sense and logic, and dress in clean clothing. Once you have accomplished those basics, you too can eat with the A-Listers at Spago.