Don’t worry - we’re not going to totally gross out here. No “insect caviar” or boiled sheep’s head. We’re talking about something even more disturbing. Something that populates grocery shelves and convenience stores in every town in America… That’s right, junk food.
- Jell-O. A staple in school
cafeterias, hospitals, and frat houses everywhere, Jell-O is still
fondly loved by millions. Whether it’s served up in slimy squares,
a bulbous bundt-cake ring accented with pineapple chunks, or
vodka-infused shots, Jell-O sort of stands in a league of its own.
Broken down, it contains four simple ingredients – gelatin, water,
sugar or artificial sweetener, and food coloring. Of these, it’s
the gelatin that gives Jell-O its signature moldable, jiggly
quality. And if you really want to know where that gelatin comes
from, check out How Stuff Works – here’s a hint, it
involves cow and pig bones…
- Velveeta. First problem here
-- it's not cheese. It's "pasteurized processed cheese
product" comprised of vege oil, modified milk solids,
stabilizers, flavorings, and other chemicals. We ate this stuff as
kids and admittedly it makes a pretty delish grilled cheese, but
even at a young age we were skeptical of a "cheese" that
didn't need to be refrigerated at the grocery store. These
days, we'll take a good Gruyere or a scrumptious Swiss over
this faux food.
- Twinkies. Any snack that’s been around for over 70 years can’t be all bad, right? Hostess produces half a billion (yes, billion) Twinkies a year, so someone is buying them – and presumably eating them. Four inches of enticing golden cake (or cake-like substance) filled with gobs of vanilla (or vanilla-like) creamy filling. What’s not to love? For starters, the long list of chemically ingredients that include high fructose corn syrup, polysorbate 60, yellow 5, red 40, and a host of other bizarre sounding goodies. Each little treat serves up 5 grams of fat (nearly half of which is saturated), 25 grams of carbs (of which over half is sugar), and a measly 1 gram of protein. Our feeling - you’re probably better off with a supersized cupcake that contains a few more ingredients found in nature.
- Vienna Sausages. The whole
idea of canned meat is kind of – repulsive. Nowhere is that more
apparent than in the regally named “Vienna sausage.” These spongy
little hotdog knock-offs are bizarre in every way. First, the
texture, which is so soft it’s almost spreadable. Second, the fact
that it comes in a can. And third, the fact that it doesn’t require
refrigeration before opening. If we were stranded in the wild and
starving, we wouldn’t turn one down – otherwise, though, we’ll take
a pass.
- Sno Balls. Once again, we
salute Hostess for thinking up something at once so amusing and yet
so… unnatural. Introduced in the late 1940’s, Sno Balls still sell
over 25 million a year – even in an age when we’re supposedly more
health conscious. The memorable combination of chocolate cake,
marshmallow, coconut and vivid pink coloring has turned this simple
“snack” into something of an icon – even appearing in episodes of
The X-Files and Gilmore Girls. We love a good
dose of junk food as much as the next person, but somehow the mere
sight of these is a little frightening.
- Pork Rinds. Deep-fried strips
of pig skin – mmmm. Enough said.
- Nacho Cheese
Doritos. Whenever you’re eating something that
contains a color that doesn’t occur in nature, it might be time to
reconsider what you’re stuffing in your mouth. That said, Nacho
Cheese Flavored Doritos were one of our favorite college staples
and we still have a soft spot in our heart for this tasty day-glo
orange triangles. There are entire fan groups online devoted to
these little buggers and far be it from us to discourage anyone.
But the reason they made it to our list is the funky smelling,
crusty orange coating that they leave on your fingertips (courtesy
of artificial colors Yellow 6, Yellow 5 and Red 40). Nasty!
- Pixy Sticks. Sugar in a
stick. Even as kids, we never quite got the allure. When faced with
our mountain of post-Halloween candy, it was never a tough choice
between a Snickers or Three Musketeers and a
gritty, granulated tube of sugar (chocolate always wins!). As
adults we still feel the same – Pixy Sticks aren’t the grossest
food on earth, but there are so many things that are so much
tastier. And that don’t send stray clouds of powder floating into
your eyes and nose. And that
don’t coat your tongue with shades of Blue 2 Lake, Red
40 Lake, and Yellow 6 Lake.
- Peeps. Spongy sugary
marshmallows rolled in yet more sugar. Even in the candy world,
Peeps get bragging rights – they are composed of a whopping 90%
sugar. And while we’re all for binging on sweets, we have to
believe there’s a tastier way to do it than popping a rubbery green
chick in your mouth. But maybe that’s just us because over a
billion of these are sold each year.
- Circus Peanuts. Searching the internet, you will find plenty of discourse on why people hate these peanut-shaped orange “treats.” In a nutshell (no pun intended), they look bad, smell bad, and taste bad. But of course, draw your own conclusions!
