I just had one of the most disturbing conversations of my life. Let
me first put it into context for you: I had a very bad case of
endometriosis that, unfortunately, was without symptoms. By the
time I realized I had it, it was pretty severe, and I had to have
extensive surgery. The result was that my fallopian tubes are
completely blocked. So it's in vitro or adoption for me. I
wouldn't particularly care which - I would love any child,
acquired through any method, that I was given. Sadly, my boyfriend
didn't feel the same way. We hadn't been dating for long,
but things were progressing VERY quickly, which was fine with me. I
felt the time had come to tell him my situation. I thought I
explained pretty well my doctor's opinion, which was
that women in my particular circumstances have a 90%
success rate with IVF. He very much wants to have children,
and apparently this wasn't good enough for him, because he
broke up with me.
So here is where the disturbing conversation comes in. I was
feeling pretty sorry for myself and went to a very close male
friend for sympathy. He is, without a doubt, one of the most
sensitive and nurturing men I know. He is truly an equal
parent, and spends a tremendous amount of time with his two
children, who are 9 and 3. In the course of talking out
the situation I jokingly said I shouldn't tell the next
guy I date at all, and after we got married, secretly do in vitro.
I repeat, I was joking. He then told me that if he found
out that his wife had cheated or used a sperm doner or
something, he would divorce her, which is understandable, I think.
But this is the disturbing part : He also told me that it would
change the way he felt about his kids. So I had to question him
about this. Would he feel differently about an adopted child, too?
The answer was yes. I was then forced to poll a few other male
friends and relatives who are parents. The result? Every single man
I asked said yes, they would feel differently about a child who
wasn't "theirs".
My own opinion on this subject is that people don't
necessarily have to share your DNA to be your family. I have a very
close friend who I consider to be my sister (I do have actual
sisters, by the way). I would give her a kidney, or lend her money,
far before I would do the same for many people I am actually
related to. She told me before my surgery that if I lost my
ovaries, she would donate her eggs to me. I certainly consider
her to be "mine", and I know she considers me to be
"hers". If I found out I was adopted, I would not
feel any differently about my mom. She's "mine" too.
If someone were to leave a baby on my doorstep (and if you
want to, please feel free!) I would love it the exact same way I
would love a baby I gave birth to. I think what makes a child
"yours" is loving and caring for it, spending time with
it, and just generally being its parent. It seems that men feel
that what makes a child "yours" is a blood relation only.
So my question is this - Do all, or even most, women feel the
way I feel? Do all or most men feel the way my friend feels?
I am also wondering if my feelings are influenced by the fact that
my parents are divorced and from my earliest memory, I have been
part of a "blended" family. Maybe children of divorce
know better than others that love does not require matching DNA,
because they experience this at an early age. Maybe men who are
children of divorce feel the way I feel. Thoughts???
Another (Possible) Way That Men Are Stupid
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Comments 1-8 of 8
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Posted by Wed Aug 19, 2009 9:46pm PDT
Report AbuseI believe that if you going to go through with the process you need to allow your heart to open fully to the process as well. If there is a shadow of a doubt in your heart when you start it may lead to feelings of it not being yours in the future therefore you may treat it like an outcast. But if you start off by saying this baby will be my own baby then it will always remain that way.
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Posted by Wed Aug 19, 2009 9:51pm PDT
Report Abusemy daughter was told it would be very hard for her to get pregnant her boyfriend of 4 years knew from the beginning about her situation and they both agreed once married they would adopt children preferably 2 so i guess this is what true love is and the same with you when you truly find that right person who will love you unconditionally then it will all work out - you seem like a very special person
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Posted by Wed Aug 19, 2009 10:15pm PDT
Report AbuseMissK....I can see your point and agree 100%. That is because women tend to see from the perspective of the child - what is best for him or her. The focus is not on herself. She gives, the child gets. Males are taught to be self-centered. They think in terms of what they get. His perspective, his needs, win out over the child and you. This is extremely inmature, of course. But let's examine a few well-known facts that support it. Most fathers are not involved and the only reason more are becoming so is that they are not taking the flak they once did by the guys. They are changing, but for the wrong (selfish) reasons. During pregnancy most men complain about his spouse's weight (she isn't supplying him with enough eye candy), her cravings (how his life is being inconvenienced), and her moods (he has to be supportive to someone else for a change). While she's getting an epizzie and pushing a watermelon out of her most sensitive area, he's looking to find somewhere else to be or is fainted on the floor. After the child is born, most men report that they are neglected. Some even feel jealous towards the infant! He isn't getting the attention he feels he deserves.
Is it really abnormal the men you spoke to feel as they do? It fits, doesn't it with the totality of self-centered thinking and that thinking affects how they feel. My guess is that not all men agree with what was reported to you. It is not a defect of being male, but a flaw of socialization (the way we rear males and tolerate their selfish behavior). In truth, through my studies and personal experiences, I have met many men who would not agree with your friend(s). I would strongly recommend that you find one like that given not only your condition but also that those more mature, englightened men make better husbands and friends. No man should ever make marriage to you contingent on the WAY you bring a child into this world. A man should care more about you.
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Posted by Sat Aug 22, 2009 6:02pm PDT
Report Abuse~~~~~~~I FEEL THE SAME AS YOU ABOUT " BABIES/CHILDREN "........ABOUT MEN
IS A OPINION I WON'T EVEN GO INTO ON THE INTERNET......ENOUGH SAID..LOL
HUGZZZZZZZ AROUND YOU SWEETY~~~~~~~~~~
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Posted by Sat Aug 22, 2009 6:13pm PDT
Report AbuseOf course I would feel different if I had fathered the child. And I think any one would with the biological link.
If you would not feel different after carrying a child in your womb for 9 months you are not normal in my book.
I would like to add that I married a woman and got a 2 year old son at the same time. When his mother and I divorced he came to live with his sister and I from the age of 5 until he went out on his own at 18.
While he got all love a man could give a child the link between my daughter and I was stronger because of the biological simularities. Genetics is a strong influence.
Comments 1-8 of 8
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