It's been one of those days where moving to the desk, or the kitchen, or even the couch, has sounded like a terrible ordeal, as does thinking, breathing, moving, and doing anything else in the world besides nap fitfully, scratch the cat behind the ears and wonder what it would be like if I was able to actually focus my eyes both in the same direction, at the same depth, and read more than a line of a book.
I needed a day like this, I guess--I would have called out sick from an office job, if I had woken up at 5:00 feeling exactly the way I did, in my head and my throat and my gut. But it always feels like a waste. Whether it comes from soul-crushing despair with a whipped cream topping of ennui and sadness or just my body going whoa! I know how late you were up every night, how early you got out of bed, and exactly how much wine you drank every evening, woman. You think I didn't notice? And the Manhattans? And the cake? And the pizza? I don't care that it's a New York slice and your life would have been empty without it. You are a big idiot.
I am a big idiot. I am also legitimately sick, but a lot of it--I am a big idiot, and I feel very much like I've gone and wasted a day I didn't want to waste, that I was so looking forward to having. I came back from my trip excited to work, to finish up my projects (which I talked about, and worked on, on the plane, and brainstormed and thought about). I came up with a brilliant way to cut back some expenses, pick up some extra cash and occasionally afford someone at the gym to show me how to not hurt myself with a barbell and yell at me when I'm lazy and my house is a mess and I've got a couple of deadlines and so much email to return and I've got things I want to talk about and think about and do that aren't lying in bed and wondering if a Kashi cracker will send me back to the bathroom.
It's nice, though, that this isn't a day spent in bed because I am sad and morose and beset with the troubles of the world. For a change. Good to know that it isn't my head that is broken, this time around, that the happiness that's been lurking around lately isn't a terrible lie. But I would be very happy, though, if my body could get unbroken now, please. No more sugar. No more kaboom. For a little while, at least.
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