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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Do men expect women to have perfect bodies? Do we expect them, too?

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Not to quote Jewel or anything, but "If I could tell the world just one thing, it would be that we're all okay." I was out with a friend earlier this week when she said, "I feel like I'm too fat to be loved." I shook her fervently (in the emotional sense, not the physical sense) and reminded her that no one is too anything to be loved. No one is too fat, bald, short, acne-prone, skinny, or whatever to be loved. Look, I think it's time we all got together and had a great big group hug, held hands and sang the Barney song, because my friend is not the first person to feel that way, and those sorts of feelings are just totally not cool.

Further proof that my friend is not the first to associate her worthiness of romantic love to her body is that one of the most popular posts on Shine this week was a woman asking if men expect women to have perfect bodies? Look, I would first like an official definition of "perfect body" so I know what I'm up against here. Until one exists though, I'm going to assume she means the Hollywood standard. My feelings on men and bodies are as follows:

1) If you're dating someone, he knows what you look like, and he obviously likes what he sees.

2) If you are naked with someone, the only thing he should be thinking about is how unbelievably lucky he is to be honored by your nakedness.

3) Being with someone who knows their own body, is comfortable in their skin and has confidence is just about the sexiest thing ever.

I understand though, that I am me, and live in my own Pollyanna bubble where I reign supreme in the land of self love, unicorns and ponies. So to get another perspective, I actually posed this question to some guy friends to get a more grounded perspective. I sent them the Shine link and you know what they said: It's a matter of taste. Everyone has a different idea of perfect; some men are not so superficial that the only thing they care about is pant size; personality does matter; and confidence is sexy. What's so crazy, is that's sort of how women feel about men. Another resounding theme that came up among my guy friends is that the pressure to be perfect for women is coming from other women. Stretch marks, cellulite, and having enough fat on their bodies to have a normal menstrual cycle are not things men keep a mental checklist of. They have their body insecurities too. We don't always see our "flaws" and they don't always see ours. Best quote of this social experiment comes from my friend Even:

"Most men I know, in closed quarter 'guy talk' say they would rather have a woman who has a full body...the model image seems to be more for men who are trying to make a statement about themselves."

Can we all please agree that we are some sexy people, that we will make every effort to appreciate the body that we've been given-because this is it, this is what we've got. And while we're at it, can we give people (regardless of whether or not they have a penis) the benefit of the doubt in being decent human beings and not superficial a-holes? Great. Now, how 'bout that group hug.

MORE FROM ELASTIC WAIST AND SELF:

Related: perfect bodies, naked, men, dating, body image, body acceptance

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Comments 1-10 of 55
  • Paula's Avatar
    Posted by Paula Sun Jul 20, 2008 7:31pm PDT

    love your writings!! This is a great story!!

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  • griffinspark's Avatar
    Posted by griffinspark Sun Jul 20, 2008 9:54pm PDT

    Oh, bullcrap. MEN HATE FAT WOMEN.

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  • keke's Avatar
    Posted by keke Sun Jul 20, 2008 10:00pm PDT

    a real man does not care what you look like stand up men and be heard

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  • CR's Avatar
    Posted by CR Sun Jul 20, 2008 10:27pm PDT

    IF YOU LADIES DON'T MIND I WOULD LIKE TO CONTRIBUTE NOT WITH AN OPINION BUT HOW SOME OR MAYBE MOST OF US MEN "FEEL" OR "THINK"REGARDING THIS ISSUE OF WOMEN BEING "FAT".FROM WHERE YOU ARE(COUNTRY)YOUR ETHNIC BACKGROUND(CUSTOMS, FOLK, ECT)HAS A LOT OF IMPACT IN YOUR PERSONAL PICTURE, IDEA,OF THE ONE WOMAN THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO CONNECT WITH IN ALL LEVELS, FROM PERSONAL TASTE TO A SOME KIND OF SPIRITUAL CONNECTION, CHEMISTRY(VERY IMPORTANT...I BELIEVE)AND OTHER THINGS.

    WHAT I'VE OBSERVED DURING THE YEARS IS THE IMAGE OF BEING BASICALLY ANOREXIC THRU THE MEDIA IN GENERAL THAT SOMEHOW IS DRESSED AND MADE COSMETICALLY(MAKE-UP, LIP GLOSS, ECT)GOOD LOOKING, WITH AWESOME PHOTOGRAPY AND AND A SEXY POSE...THAT KILLS THE REALITY ASPECT.

    AFTER MANY YEARS OF TRYING AND NOT GETTING WHAT I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET I TOOK A VERY CLOSE LOOK AT MY PERSONAL IDEA OF WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR AND I REALIZED THAT HAPPINESS AS ELUSIVE AS IT IS WAS EVEN MORE DIFFICULT TO OBTAIN OR REACH WITH SUCH UNREALISTIC PARAMETERS.

    IS NOT THAT I DECIDED TO COMPROMISED BY LOWER STANDARTS..NO, IS THAT MY STANDARTS WERE WRONG FROM THE BEGGINING.NOW I RELATE TO WOMEN WITH A DIFFERENT ATTITUDE, A MORE OPEN HEART TO WHO WE TRULY ARE, PEOPLE..WE THE NON PERFECT ONES, WE THE ONES THAT FEEL LIKE EVERY BODY ELSE,THAT CRY, FEEL LONELINESS, AND CRAVE SOME GOOD SOUL TO BE WITH US MUTUALLY ENRICHING EA. OTHERS LIFE WITH LOVE, KINDNESS AND AN OPEN HEART....

    PLEASE EXCUSE ME IF I MISPELLED SOMETHING....(THEY NEED TO ADD SPELL CHECK..LOL)

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  • tangerine's Avatar
    Posted by tangerine Sun Jul 20, 2008 11:13pm PDT

    I completely agree. It's impossible to have a "perfect" body without getting extensive plastic surgery.

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  • FourMiler's Avatar
    Posted by FourMiler Mon Jul 21, 2008 1:35am PDT

    Here's a male perspective.

    It's the spirit of a woman that is ultimately attractive. Hence, if a women generally does things to look after herself -- diet & exercise -- and keeps healthy, then whatever healthy shape is acceptable.

    But if a woman just has an overall atmosphere about her that she let's herself go, and doesn't bother to take steps to diet and exercise. And then says, accept me for what I am -- well, that's not attractive.

    In summary, given the choice between a 80kg woman who looks after herself, and an 80kg woman who doesn't, the preference would be the one who does aim to look after herself.

    Health is the primary aim.

    Healthy is attractive.

    A woman, who demands that a man accept her, when she makes no effort to get out of an unhealthy state, is .... needy.

    Rather than a woman demanding that men accept them as flabby, for who they are -- isn't it nicer for such a woman to invite the man into a partnership to exercise, diet and together live a healthier lifestyle. Partner together to become healthier. That shows spirit.

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  • NolufefeG's Avatar
    Posted by NolufefeG Mon Jul 21, 2008 1:47am PDT

    why same of the mans ar so scupid because a women is awomen no metter she is fat or slender one thing that i dont understand about guys wen it is summes they use 2 say its hot we must have slanders and wen it beggens 2 winter they wat fat ladies so tha yjey will camfort them tell me why is it lyk that

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  • annette's Avatar
    Posted by annette Mon Jul 21, 2008 5:04am PDT

    size does matter, been divorced two and a half years. When i was a size twenty no one even looked at me, I had to diet because of health issues and now I am a size ten/twelve. Men take second looks all the time and I get asked out now. I was just as bright and fun in a size twenty as I am now that I am a few sizes smaller, but first looks do make a differance. Not saying that we should judge ourselves by hollywood, but too many men do.

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  • Rowdygirl's Avatar
    Posted by Rowdygirl Mon Jul 21, 2008 6:01am PDT

    Funny how the "male perspective" from Fourmiler starts out with the idea that the spirit of a woman is the most important thing and ends up with the woman exercising to fit the mold. Just goes to show what we already knew.. it's perfection on the outside, not what's on the inside, that matters to most men. At least the shallow, ignorant ones, anyway. I just wonder how perfect Fourmiler is ???????

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  • Layllaa's Avatar
    Posted by Layllaa Mon Jul 21, 2008 6:14am PDT

    I won't comment on the topic.. I have way to strong opinion on that..

    But I do love the article and the style of writing.. and the humor behind it.. thank you!

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