EMG, Part 2: One Day I'll Laugh About This

I did the research. I posted the blog. But nothing could have prepared me for it.

Thanks to advice from my fellow Shine writers and some Wikipedia and eMedicine articles, I went in knowing that I was to be electrocuted and stabbed directly in my already- wounded hand. That, for the most part, was fine. What scared me was the incompetence of the doctors.

When I walked in, I immediately noticed the machine. It was basically a computer connected to more advanced- looking equipment. It made me a little nervous; my first thought upon entering the room was, "Oh God, they're using a Dell."

The next thing I remember, a small handheld device was being pressed against my wrist, and shocks were running through my arm. After several shocks, the doctors determined that the results being shown on the Dell were abnormal, and they decided to shock me some more. Hello?! I was there because something was wrong with my hand; did they expect to get normal results? "No, Doc, I'm perfectly fine, I just like being shocked and prodded with needles."

They kept increasing the voltage. At times, they dipped the device into a cup of water. Middle- school biology class came rushing back. I hope they achieved whatever they needed to, because it certainly wasn't pleasant on my end!

After thoroughly shocking me at my wrist, elbow, and upper arm, I was told that we were "almost finished- with this part," and one of the doctors produced a needle. It was a long, scary- looking thing, and I started freaking out. They finally got me to calm down enough to insert the needle into my hand.

Once, I had to get a cavity filled, and the Novocain didn't kick in until ten minutes into the procedure. That was a picnic compared to sticking that needle into my sick nerve. Then they had me flex the muscle the needle was stuck in. That was fun.

When it was finally over, the doctors decided that I needed an MRI- which is what the rheumatology doctors were saying! What a waste of time! Meanwhile, I was feeling dizzy, disoriented, like I had just escaped from some insane asylum. (Have you ever read Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison? Remember when the narrator is being experimented on? That's exactly how I felt.)

I should mention that there was some kind of problem with saving my results to the Dell. (See? I know my computers.) And these were the doctors who were just shooting electricity into my arm and needling my nerves?

It took me a couple of days to recover- I was excused from work the first day I tried to go back. I still kinda get the creeps when I think about it. Lesson of the day: Beware of evil paper towel dispensers, and if you should be attacked by one, get your hand looked at immediately! Maybe you can forgo the EMG. If not, find actual EMG specialists. And don't let them use a Dell.