I am the middle child in a family of high achievers. My mom has her Master's, my dad has his PhD, my older brother was the star quarterback, 5th in his class of 550, and hilariously funny to boot. He is now a doctor. My younger sister has this amazing coloring (red hair, blue eyes) that makes her stand out, she was also a star athlete, a writer, a dreamer, and, like most youngest children, she was a crack-up, always making everyone laugh. I was quieter, more reserved, somehow I didn't "fit in" with my family, and I wasn't a "star" at anything. Don't get me wrong, I was pretty good at most things, but unlike my brother and sister, there wasn't anything that made me stand out as unique or special. I was just kinda average.
Except for one thing: I was pretty. I was tall (I'm now 5'11"), slender (all that playing sports), and had nice features. I knew from a young age that being pretty was my "thing" in my family. I could usually hook a guy if I wanted to, I could flirt, I could weasel my way into getting what I wanted, just because I was attractive. While my brother and sister were getting compliments like, "you're so smart, you're so talented, you've got so much potential, you can be whatever you want to be in life," I heard, "you're so pretty!"
Now don't get me wrong, that was wonderful to hear, but it also made me extremely self-conscious about my body. When I graduated high school I took a hiatus from working out, and I gained about twenty pounds. I still looked fine, but the comments I was so used to hearing, "you're so pretty, you're so thin, you look amazing..." stopped coming, especially from my family. And those guys I was so used to hooking? Not around so much. And my self confidence? Plummeted. I had based my self-image so much on being the "pretty girl" in my family, when my body shape changed, I didn't even know who I was anymore.
It was around that time that I started working out again. I was going through some stressful times at school, and working out became my escape. I lost the 20 pounds, plus some. And the compliments came back. It was a catch-22. During this time I was also figuring out who I was as a person, what my strengths were, apart from being attractive, but suddenly, "attractive" fit me again. For four more years I obsessed about keeping my weight down, staying thin. As long as I was thin, I didn't have to think about what else I was, or could be. I knew my relationship with my body wasn't necessarily healthy, but I didn't know what to do about it, either.
Then I started working as a manager for a small City. I discovered that I was wickedly good at what I was doing. I was being challenged, I learned that I could do anything I put my mind to. I was creative, good with people, and could solve problems. I also gained some weight, but it didn't worry me so much. I found out that I wasn't just the "pretty girl," I was also smart, talented, and driven. I could be the family bread-winner, I could earn a PhD, I could be whatever I wanted to be. And the realization was freeing. I finally realized that I am someone apart from what I look like.
Do I still struggle with body image? Sure, I think everyone wakes up, looks in the mirror and goes, "whoa, what happened there?!" But instead of letting that ruin my day, obsessing over my exercise and my food intake, I take it in and analyze whether or not there's really an issue. And, usually, there's not.
[photo: lightfusio]
