Help a reader out: Is it wrong to be ticked if the hubs is STILL smoking?

Quitting smoking is hard. I get it. Nearly every one of my girlfriends in high school and many loved ones along the way were smokers who had to face up to their dependency at some point.

I've known people who went cold turkey, I've known people who've tried cessation programs and I've known people who've patched it out. For all of them, it was a daily (and sometimes, hourly) challenge. It is tough to toss the ciggies, no matter whether your motivation to quit comes from cost (whoah...expensive), self-care (you know, the whole cancer avoidance thing) or taking care of someone else (like a small child or a fetus that will some day become a someone else).

The only time the issue of quitting smoking was hard for me was when the smoker was my brother. I begged him to quit and even went so far as asking him to try to quit as a present when he asked me what I wanted for my birthday. It didn't encourage him. In fact, his only response was that he would quit smoking when I would lose weight. Ouch.

He ended up quitting easily, but the hard way. He was in an accident that left him in a coma. During those nine days, the nicotine seemed to leave his system. Completely. Thankfully, when he did resurface into consciousness, he didn't have a craving for a cigarette. Not even one. It is definitely not a cessation method either of us recommends (ouch) and still, it is one more happy result of his survival.

Really, isn't that what is hard for the people who love smokers -- survival? We want them to stick around. We want them to breathe without machines. We want them to protect the people they love back, so none of us are breathing in that stuff and all of us have better chances of survival.

That doesn't make it lots easier. I get that too. But it does underline that smoking -- and kissing off the habit -- is hard for more than the person with the cigarette to their lips.

So what can you do to help a loved one quit smoking? And is it fair to be mad if they can't or don't or just have never made the commitment?

Shine reader lisi is asking for your help in coping with her long-time smoker husband. After many intervention attempts over the years, lisi is angry and fed-up and considering leaving him. What do you think lisi should do?

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Posted by mudpony_me Thu Jul 24, 2008 4:04pm PDT

I quit smoking with the help of a pill called Chantix. It worked!! and I smoked for 20 years. ask your doctor, it is a little expensive but it works.

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Posted by jane Thu Jul 24, 2008 4:05pm PDT

Lisi,
Of course you can be mad!
It's one nasty habit..I've been dealing with a similar for 8 years! You can only be so supportive,in the long run the smoker has got to be the one to let the the cigarette,cigar,etc go.You're probably thinking this is helpful!Sorry,but the aren't many "helpful" ways for you get your loved to kick the habit,unless of curse you choose not be around them because you sick and tired of smelling that disgusting smell.Look for ways to help you keep you healthy and if your loved gives a flip about you then they'll try not smoke around you when you're together,if not the find new loved ones and keep smiling!You owe it to yourself to take care of yourself!

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Posted by -- Thu Jul 24, 2008 4:39pm PDT

"Shine reader lisi is asking for your help in coping with her long-time smoker husband. After many intervention attempts over the years, lisi is angry and fed-up and considering leaving him. What do you think lisi should do?"
I am not going to say what Lisi should or should not do. I would have a lot to say about the general attitude of society at large which, basically, has made smokers the modern equivalent of what lepers used to be in ancient times.
And, here is the definition of "leper":
1. a person who has leprosy.
2. a person who has been rejected or ostracized for unacceptable behavior, opinions, character, or the like; anathema; outcast.
It's been a good while now that all the ills of our planet have been more or less, somehow, linked to smoking cigarettes, including - at some point - the greenhouse effect.... What sense does that make?
I do think that the real question is can Lisi live without her husband, whether or not he smokes? Is that the only alternative? Is it really down to "if you won't quit, then I will?"
Is it worth throwing everything away for fear of something that might never happen (whether to him or to Lisi)?
Is that all Lisi sees when she looks at him? A smoker?
Is it really about love and survival? Are smokers the only real and immediate danger to anybody's survival?
Shouldn't it be about love and live, now, because we don't know what tomorrow may bring and smoking is really irrelevant when it comes to that?
Does Lisi step out of her house every day wearing a mask and hooked to an oxygen tank because of the pollution surrounding all of us, any time, anywhere, anyway?
Just my two cents....

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Posted by lisi Thu Jul 24, 2008 5:05pm PDT

IN RESPONSE TO MRS. V... I totally respect your opinion on the matter. However, I do not consider anyone who smokes a leper. To each his/her own. They are your lungs and if you want to destroy them, so be it. It doesn't mean I'm going to isolate or not associate with smokers. This is someone I live with and am about to have a child with. When you begin to jeopardize my lungs and my childrens lungs then it becomes a personal issue!!! I also think it's selfish to know that you are at risk of a serious illness if not death at an early age and not take into consideration the heartache you will put your loved ones through. Smoking is disgusting. I'm not saying people who smoke are disgusting, I understand it's an addiction but if there are interventions out there that can help you quit and live a healthier life then why not. Also, it really does hurt when someone you love keeps promising you something so important and has no intention of keeping itpromise of all and

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Posted by lisi Thu Jul 24, 2008 5:23pm PDT

No, I do not leave my home wearing an oxygen mask, that's pretty idiotic. But it is a proven fact that second hand smoke is even more toxic than actually smoking. Is it about love? Yes, because if I didn't love him then I wouldn't care about his health & well being. But hey, lets live for today since we don't have to think about tomorrow. That's a great way to look at life. GREAT ADVICE!!!! THANK YOU!!!!

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Posted by Nini Poo Thu Jul 24, 2008 6:13pm PDT

I bet Mrs. V is a smoker.

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Posted by -- Thu Jul 24, 2008 6:14pm PDT

I just have one more thing to add, obviously those these are very personal and can't be resolved through this medium. You have the right to call some of the things that I mentioned "idiotic" and, ultimately, it your - and only your- decision to make.
The part - I think - you completely misunderstood - and that I did not want to get into, is why I said it's today, and today we can live, and today we can love. So, here is very simply the reason: six years ago, one Sunday morning, I woke up a wife, wife of a man that I did love and cherish. At 2 in the morning that night, I came home, a widow. That Sunday morning, out of nowhere, he had had a massive heart attack..... And no, it was not cigarette or any unhealthy habit/lifestyle of his, or mine.
You have the right to be angry, and this is not the best way to communicate and carry over what we really mean. Which is why I am through posting....

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Posted by Kelli S Thu Jul 24, 2008 6:45pm PDT

i smoke and i hate it. i have tried to quit several times. i just got married in may. when he asked me to marry him he also said he didnt' want a wife that smoked. my promise was to quit when we have children. it must be hard for my husband to be around that smoke everyday. i am sorry for that. his love and understanding along with patience and support will help me quit. as for lisi, just love him unconditionally as you said you would when you married him with vows and help him to cut back and eventually quit. it's a partnership, you shouldn't quit him... rather he quit the cigs.

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Posted by imo95816 Fri Jul 25, 2008 4:13am PDT

When true love is present, a person would not dream of imposing his/her values upon another.
Sometimes it is easier to pick the fleck of dust out of anothers eye, than to take the plank out of ours

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