Is it selfish to have kids if you have cancer?

Hey guys, I'm in the city today having my first "writer's lunch" with an editor (yes, the editor happens to be a friend at Glamour, but still...we're talking about my ideas!). Anyway, I've asked Lea to step in and little did I know, she's got A LOT to talk about. A lot that hits extremely close to home for me.... I'm really interested to hear what all of you think. Take it away, Lea! --Erin

Hi! It's Lea again and I really loved your ideas and suggestions about filling my life with happiness and meaning. I guess whether or not you have cancer you are constantly looking for both of those things in life and readjusting as you go.

You guys remember I was diagnosed with CML in an OB/GYN's office when Billy (my husband) and I wanted to start a family over two and a half years ago? I literally felt something was "off" on the reproductive side of things and worried if my bushy eyebrows were a sign of something wrong with my hormonal level. The hormones were fine---the leukemia diagnosis was not. My husband, Billy, and I still wanted kids but that was going to have to wait. I never even came close to a level of safety with drug therapy, like Erin has achieved, to even consider going off the drug to become pregnant. Yeah, I wanted kids but I needed to get myself healthy so I would be around to be a mom for those kids.

Here I am now, PCRU (they can't find the leukemia in my body at this point) and I am six months post transplant. You might remember that Billy and I have 26 "Morrison Popsicles" (frozen embryos) at Stanford University. I would not be able to carry the child right now due to the drugs I am on post-transplant but someone else could. This has me wondering, is now the right time to look into using a surrogate and having our child? Is it too early post transplant? I mean the whole surrogate process takes a long, long time. It involves: lawyers, money, agencies and most importantly finding the right person to carry our child.

I have always known I wanted to be a mom. I loved dolls as a little girl, helping to take care of my brother (as he now has taken care of me), babysat my entire life (gosh, that paid for some spring breaks!), worked as a camp counselor--I still think this is one of the best jobs out there--and I have been a teacher for 10 years. My relationship with Billy is so solid and it has been through a whole bunch in three years of marriage.

Is it selfish for someone who had cancer to want to bring children into this world? I think because this has always been a dream of mine (and ours) and there has been so much reality in creating those 26 embryos (4 rounds of IVF while dealing with cancer) that we both really know we want children. Do we wait five years to hear the magical words "remission?" I have a great prognosis for long-term survival. I am 35 years old now and I have been waiting my whole life to create this new life. Is there ever a perfect time for anything that will change your life forever?

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Comments 1-2 of 2

Posted by Mysterious Gryphon Wed Jun 18, 2008 3:45pm PDT

You are not selfish if you want to provide a happy, loving life to a child, regardless of your medical status. Just make sure that you can financially provide for that child and his or her education on top of your medical bills, and that the time you spend in the hospital won't negatively impact the amount of attention and time you give to that child.
But I would urge you to consider adoption instead of surrogacy. There are so many children already in this world who desperately need loving parents. If being a parent is your "dream," then consider making someone else's dream come true at the same time. And don't listen to anyone who says that an adopted child is not "your own": it's love, not mere genetics, that make a family.

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Posted by jen Wed Jul 30, 2008 11:13am PDT

Absolutely not selfish! You prepared for this beforehand and now that you're healthy, I say go for it! Just put your faith in God and go! I'll be praying for you.

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