Lost and Found. Light in the darkness.

My life has not been all roses and sunshine, I don't think it's been worse than any others. I've had very good and happy times, and very bad and downright frightening times.

After over 30 years of abusive relationships and accepting that this was the life I had chosen and was therefore obligated to "stick with it", The final straw was when my ex packed up everything in the house and left me while I was in the hospital due to a bad reaction to a medication prescribed to me by my doctor.

I had been through many forms of abuse; physical, mental, emotional, sexual. There is (in my opinion) nothing worse than living with someone and being alone. Having the person you love, who is supposed to pay attention to and care for you, treat you as if you were garbage. While being kind and friendly to everyone else, a stranger walking down the street warranted a smile. I would have been so happy with a smile.

Being single was new territory, I had been in two ten year relationships. Though I was never technically alone, I was devastatingly alone.

So I was finished, I stayed in the house. I went out once a month to get groceries, and to the laundromat when I got overwhelmed with hand-washing clothes. I became a recluse, afraid of people and the world in general. I found my escape in an online game. MMORPG (massively multiplayer online role-playing game) and there I met people and made friends, who could not hurt me or come near me in reality. Who I could easily ignore if need be.

Eventually I met a person who became a good friend, we were there for each other in good times and bad. We did not share addresses or pictures, or make plans to meet. It was simple and harmless, I looked forward to seeing him there. I enjoyed the PvE portion of the game, exploring and questing with friends. PvE is "player versus environment" whereas PvP is "player versus player". (for those who don't know)

On my birthday, my friend told me he was a Jehovah's Witness, and they don't celebrate birthdays. He did not want me to think he did not care about me, knowing that I would wonder why he didn't say "happy birthday".

My first thought was "Oh God, here it comes." fully expecting...something, what?

To my surprise, that was all. He did not lecture me or start reading scriptures, just a simple statement. We continued to play and talk, eventually talking on the headset using an online phone-type service. Things continued like that for a while. Then my Uncle died, he was only in his 50's. It was cancer in his throat and he had been suffering for quite some time. A wonderful person, he would go and repair a broken fence for a neighbor when his own fence needed attention. He didn't smoke, drink excessively, or have a bad thing to say about anyone.

I was devastated and angry, why would such a good person have to die when so many horrible people live to abuse, terrify, injure, murder, neglect...other people?!! I was furious. If there was a God I was angry with Him, how could there be a grand creator when so many suffer and die in the hands of people and/or disease. My friend took the brunt of my anger, and he did so with kindness and understanding. He sent me some literature and a bible. I found that many things I had heard from others about Witnesses were false, and I was willing to listen and study, compare their bible "The New World Translation" to other bibles I had, some I bought. Rather than being "their own version" it is a new translation from the old scrolls. Not taken from another translation such as the "King James" bible. The "NWT" is also written in the way people speak today rather than the old English and much easier to understand.

He also gave me a book, which had in it the chapter entitled "Why does God allow suffering?". I argued and disputed, demanded answers which I received and researched on my own. I will not be spoon fed, I want to inspect, prepare and "eat" what I choose. So I did. I found some things to be difficult to accept. We are taught by our parents, and accept what they say as truth. After a life of thinking of the world in one way for your entire life, it is not easy to take another view into consideration. But I did. I believe it is ignorant not to at least learn about something and decide for yourself what value the information has, rather than go with the "popular belief".

After studying and finding that the information did make sense and I wanted to learn more, my friend put me in contact with the local Kingdom Hall in my area, so that I could have a home bible study. I was terrified to have a stranger in my home. Remember I was a shut-in by this time. The people who came to pay a visit were the most genuinely friendly and kind people I had ever met. I was comfortable and relieved to find that they did not look down on me, show pity, or begin preaching. They simply introduced themselves and told me what to expect with a study of the bible, and that I was under no obligation whatsoever to continue it, could have it as often or frequently as I wished.

So it went, I began to study. I love to learn!

It has been four years since I started my studies, I have made so many wonderful friends. People who do not want anything from me, who want the best for me. People who are genuinely kind, humble, calm and thoughtful. It took years for me to leave the house and go to a meeting. Since beginning my studies I have quit smoking, quit swearing, I have gone to the dentist, to the doctors (things I was terrified to do) I have found myself worthy of care, taking better care of myself and my house. I have found hope, and peace within myself. Strangers still scare me, but I have a "family" of people whom I trust and know they would help me if I needed help, that they truly care about me.

I was lost and frightened in the darkness, and through a very odd set of circumstances I was found and comforted. I struggled against disbelief, anger, fear, routine and suspicion. Yet through all my skepticism and challenges to God and religion in general, I found life worth living and that genuine love and good people are out there.

So, when Jehovah's Witnesses knock at your door, be kind. Consider what they have to say. They welcome your questions, opinions, and want nothing more than to share their knowledge with you. Why do they go door-to-door trying to share the bible with people? Because Jesus said to. And guess what, they are nervous about walking up and knocking on that door, they know that people think they are crazy, but they do it anyway and they do it out of nothing but pure, unselfish love.