Marriage is a private matter.. especially once kids are involved. Still, there are healthy ways to discuss relationship issues and still be respectful of our spouses. I'm a nearly 40 year old mother of 3 young girls married to my 2nd husband. I'm also newly sober... (7 months and counting)...
Leaving aside the obvious.. that being married is not easy, and being married with children even less so (especially when one adds in the element of blended family to the mix)... I've been struggling with my marriage for years now. Really almost since the beginning.
Luckily, my husband is aware of these struggles. He and I have frank and open discussions about our relationship, staying together for the kids and what that means, as well as what he might like to wear on his date the other weekend.
We love each other deeply, just not as lovers. We love our children and our family and are therefore attempting to keep our household in tact, but also have left open the possibility of exploring other relationships.
Polyamory, as you might imagine, isn't a hot topic at most play groups or dinner parties, or neighborhood block parties (unfortunately)... but it isn't unheard of or as rare as some might like to believe.
To say this is an imperfect arrangement is a vast understatement. And maybe I'm just chickening out at the thought of ending yet another marriage. On the other hand, if we could somehow figure out how to make this work, I do think it would be good for the kids, as long as we can keep the romantic things completely separate from our household.
These past few months my husband and I have grown closer and more honest with each other than we've ever been. We have separate bedrooms and no physical relationship but our lives intersect and support each other's in many ways. We are friends. Platonic and deeply committed friends.
And sometimes that's almost enough.
Read more here...
Married Life is Killing Me
- by , on Wed May 14, 2008 2:09pm PDT
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Posted by Wed May 14, 2008 2:59pm PDT
Report AbuseDon't think that u r hiding anything from the kids. They figure sh-t out before the adults even realize things have change. don't raise them living a lie. Promote a positive environment. I have never understood why we think the chldren won't have a good life without both parents. Not so. They may be happier if both parents are together but if you are living separate in diffrent bedrooms you might as well not be together. That's not the lesson you want to teach. Family ia about unity, love, and caring. We as parents do alot of things for our children that we think are helping them, but really would harm them when they start a family.
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Posted by Wed May 14, 2008 7:10pm PDT
Report AbuseI think you are really courageous for being honest with yourself, your husband and in your writing. Being in healthy relationships looks different for everyone, I think, and while I am not sure I could do what you are doing, that doesn't matter. What matters is that you are on a journey to well being. Please keep us updated on how it is all going.
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Posted by Wed May 14, 2008 8:04pm PDT
Report AbuseWhere does a journey to well being come into it? I agree with Kwanda,kids always find out.My mums sleeping with other men,dad with other women!.If your kids find out they will maybe keep the secret.What will it do to them having to live everyday with that? Slowly it will eat away at them.
Your husband has a maid,and you a sugardaddy.
That is not the example to set for your kids future,and there marriages.
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Posted by Wed May 14, 2008 8:14pm PDT
Report AbuseWhere does a journey to well being come into it? I agree with Kwanda,kids always find out.My mums sleeping with other men,dad with other women!.If your kids find out they will maybe keep the secret.What will it do to them having to live everyday with that? Slowly it will eat away at them.
Your husband has a maid,and you a sugardaddy.
That is not the example to set for your kids future,and there marriages.
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Posted by Wed May 14, 2008 8:26pm PDT
Report AbuseI have to say I agree this is a bad idea. I have been divorced for a few years now. Part of the reason for that is because I was miserably unhappy and therefore had a hard time being faithful. Sometimes I felt that if my husband would just let me get this dating thing out of my system (we married young and for the wrong reasons) then we could maybe make our marriage work. We have a daughter together and I really wanted to believe we could work.
I realized though that staying in an unhappy situation sets a terrible example for my daughter. She is being raised by both of us separately. I am in love and taking it slow this time. My relationship with my now boyfriend is much healthier and much better for my daughter to learn from than my marriage was. She sees a man who truly loves and respects me. I hope she will marry the same, the first time.
As the first comment says though, kids know. Don't fool yourselves.
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Posted by Wed May 14, 2008 9:13pm PDT
Report AbuseI also agree. My marriage is ending because he was loking for someone else and financial reasons too. I was very unhappy with our frienship even though the sex was great. I feel out of love after giving all that was in me to him daily for 14 years. I stayed with him because of the kids but I was not the mom or woman I could have been without him. I have a boyfriend who I have slowly gotten to know over two years. We have just recently slept together. Although no one knows but us.
I know this is hard on the kids but no more than seeing their parents fight and run away. I have hidden my feelings for him from my kids but they know. I got married at 19 after dating for only four months. It was a rebound relationship for me and a first one for my husband.So many mistakes and you can't change the past.
It will hurt you more in the long run to stay together and see other people. I know because I am still living with my husband and he has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend. My relationship with my boyfriend has moved very slow and I am truely in love with him. Wish I met him first. But the pain in seeing my husband leave to meet her, or her calling him at my home, is crushing me. Be careful it is risky playing that game.
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Posted by Thu May 15, 2008 3:44am PDT
Report Abuseyou need to get a hold of your self and find a lover that will make your liver quiver,and still be married
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Posted by Thu May 15, 2008 10:24am PDT
Report AbuseI think you staying together for the children is wrong. I think the longer you stay in this marriage you are going to be more and more unhappy everyday. You say you two are so honest to each other. Well, then you both know you don't want to be together. So you should move one. You also said you are great friends. Which is great so now you will be able to work together and let the children know what is going on. They will get threw it kids our strong.
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Posted by Thu May 15, 2008 10:29am PDT
Report AbuseI think you staying together for the children is wrong. I think the longer you stay in this marriage you are going to be more and more unhappy everyday. You say you two are so honest to each other. Well, then you both know you don't want to be together. So you should move one. You also said you are great friends. Which is great so now you will be able to work together and let the children know what is going on. They will get threw it kids our strong.
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Posted by Thu May 15, 2008 3:45pm PDT
Report AbuseThanks for sharing your story. I can relate to alot of story. I have been clean and sober for almost 9 years. I am recently divorced but was in a mixed marriage prior to that. At first just her two daughters lived with us full time. Last spring, I got custody of my 8 year old daughter. To keep it short, she asked for a seperation last July. We r now divorced. I havent seen or heard from my step kids.
Have you suggested alanon to your husband? We a meeting called "Couples in recovery" here. It is a combination of AA & Alanon. Most couples that attend, one is in AA and the other is not. It was a very good meeting. Maybe they have something similar where you live.
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