It's quite serious, friends. It's a matter of (brace yourselves) cankles.
And not just any cankles. GWYNETH PALTROW'S CANKLES.
I know, I know. It's startling, disconcerting, even devastating to think that we're only just hearing about the catastrophic possibility that Gwyneth's chubbing up all the way down there.
According to this pulse-tapping Body Watch report, "Gwyneth Paltrow’s recent appearance at a New York gallery set tongues wagging about the slenderness of her lower limb joints." Is it because she has a fondness for Gladiator sandals and booties? That part of the investigation is apparently pending.
The point here is that all the detoxing, Pilates, and hardcore personal training in the world may have not protected the actor and self-proclaimed health guru for unpresentable and shamefully thick ankles (at least according to this rag).
Most importantly of all, however, Body Watch provides tips so that you -- yes, you the person on the couch watching "Shakespeare in Love" fourteen times in a row in hopes of catching just a wee glance at any possible ankle imperfection -- can slim down your own ginormous cankles.
Body Watch recommends losing a few pounds and doing cardio activities that will counteract the weight gain and fluid retention that might cause your ankles to explode. They also recommend doing ankle circles and other moves to keep those ankles ship-shape.
Never mind that you will probably have to do thousands of them or that you may run the risk of doing too many and then having muscular but bulky cankles muffin-topped over your revealing little peep-toe pumps, but that is the risk I suppose you take to NOT look like Gwyneth Paltrow. (I kid. Really.)
Thanks, Body Watch! You've really done us -- and Ms. Paltrow -- a real service with this breaking fitness story. Maybe now we can all go back to doing another set of ankle flexes for our part in saving the world from looking at unsightly lower legs (gasp!).
OK, now that we have all that sarcasm out of our system, can we please go back to discussing this Oscar-winner's professional accomplishments or something else far more substantial and interesting than what's framing her feet? Are her ankles really all that's left for us to pick apart?
Oh, how we love to discuss Gwynnie:
- Dear Gwyneth Paltrow, I want to like you but you and your "health expertise" are making it hard
- Gwyneth invites you to detox along with her for the New Year
- Dear Gwyneth Paltrow's trainer...
- Gwyneth Paltrow wants to be your DJ: The GOOP playlists
