I had a psychiatrist appointment yesterday that I was mega-anxious
about. My boyfriend, MC, came with me to my appointment for moral support, because it was
time for me to come clean with my doctor about how things have been the
last few months, and particularly in the last acutely difficult month.
A medication adjustment has been made, and now I’ll also be taking something to help me sleep as a short-term measure. I had the epiphany at my appointment that I have rarely slept through the whole night in months. I have been fairly dismissive of this problem, because A) MC has unconventional sleep habits, which kind of made me feel they were normal for me, too and B) technically I’ve been getting close to 7 or 8 hours of sleep per night, just not all in a row—not quality, deep sleep. But the fact is I am exhausted.
Naturally the pharmacy kicked up a fuss about the sleeping pills so I couldn’t get them yesterday. Insurance crap. Maybe tonight.
For the record, I am not a huge fan of pills. I am not a fan of me being on them, possibly for life (the anti-depressants, that is; the sleeping pills are a short-term measure). But I need to be a fan of myself here, and of being alive, and feeling better and clearer and less desperate. So I will do what it takes and try to keep an open mind.
I have a decision to make regarding work and possibly taking some unpaid time off. This is in the forefront of my mind today.
I have to put other people’s opinions out of my head on this issue, and decide what makes sense for me. I deal a lot with fear as part of my emotional issues. I am fearful of losing the support of people I care about, and I am fearful of being judged. But I am also very tough and capable of pulling myself out of that vortex of hyper-concern regarding What People Think, if need be.
Would my company decide that my position was redundant and in fact unnecessary should I take a leave of absence? I know they have to save your job for you, legally, but might it not be phased out in those following months? And how would my co-workers look upon me if I were to leave for an extended period of time? How would they react upon my return? [REST OF ENTRY](photo: self-portrait, 2007)
