Tomorrow morning we are off to visit our family in Wisconsin as we
do about 3 times a year (we live in California). Only this
time, we've got the new baby in tow. The pressure to cram as
much face time in with as many people as possible always plagues us
on these trips, but this time it is out of control.
Add to that the pressures of having a somewhat mentally unstable
parent. My mother has had some severe emotional issues for
the past 6 or 7 years. It's hard to pinpoint when the trouble
really started, but I think it was sometime near when I moved in
with my boyfriend (now my husband) about 7 years ago. Three
of those past 7 years I have been living 1500 miles away from her
and have only seen her a handful of times. Each time we see
her, the problems seem to worse.
She's seen therapists and a church counselor but has never been
evaluated by a bona fide psychiatric or psychological professional,
but oh how I wish she would. From what I've read, heard and
seen, I honestly to my core think she suffers from some manic
disorder or bipolar disorder. The people that live near her
and see her day to day seem oblivious to the trouble. They
have gotten used to dealing with it in a way I never can.
The latest "incident" actually involves tomorrow's trip.
Because of the costs of traveling around the holidays, the
unbearable airport crowds around the holidays and the crappy
Wisconsin weather in November and December, as well as obligations
to visit with family members in other areas of the country, I
decided we would go for a visit now instead of Thanksgiving, which
is when she recently decided she wanted to have a big family
get-together each year. I knew she'd be upset, but that
decision is what was best for us, and our situation, and when I
carefully crafted an email to her (didn't want to call because she
was barely speaking to me after a misunderstanding during her visit
to CA in June) she spat my kindness back at me with allegations
that I was avoiding spending time with her and had plans to spend
time with my in-laws instead (I didn't, they will be elsewhere for
Thanksgiving, this is just what my mother's warped mind made of the
situation). I also was to feel guilty because she was having
to move from part-time to full-time employment which meant she
would "have to choose between California and our annual trip to
Mexico". Yeah, that's right, I have to go to her on her
schedule but she can't be bothered to shelf her 5th trip to Mexico
in the past 7 years to come here instead.
So, here I sit so excited one minute to show off the baby to
everyone who hasn't yet seen him (that's everyone but her, by the
way) and the next minute terrified of dealing with the "incident"
that I see as inevitable at this point, because most of her anger
ends up directed at my husband who is too headstrong to let her
have her way once in a while like the rest of us do. So, I
just know something is going to happen.
I probably sound like an ingrate to anyone not familiar with my
situation. I am excited to see her too, I do love her and
care for her very much and I want her to see her grandson as much
as possible. But I've also spent 7 years appeasing her
whenever possible, walking on eggshells at all times when around
her, eating up her guilt trips with a spoon, and after the way she
behaved at my house this past June (a story for another blog
entry), I am not feeling up to the challenge anymore. I'm
beginning to lose my own sanity.
I need her to understand that I have obligations to people other
than herself. I need her to understand I did not move to
California to get away from her. I need her to understand
that we are our own family now and I am an adult and sometimes I
will make decisions that she does not like, but she will have to
deal with them. I need her to understand that I do, indeed,
love her and I don't make those decisions to hurt her or to avoid
her.
How can I broach the subject of getting help? How can I move
on with my life and be happy on these trips without also feeling
like I'm going to let her down no matter what?
The Perils of Having an "Off-Kilter" Parent
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Comments 1-3 of 3
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Posted by Wed Sep 10, 2008 7:21pm PDT
Report AbuseHi Beth. In some ways I can completely relate to you. I wish I could offer you advice that would help. My mother needs evaluated as well. I've even gone as far as scheduling an appointment for her and telling her it was for me and wanted her to come for moral support. It didn't work. Only thing I can tell you, is have a heartfelt talk with her. Tell her what you said in this blog. Maybe it will help long enough to get you through the visit. When my step-father died, she was in my life and my brothers life way too much. My brother passed away 6 years ago from cancer (at age 35) so the burden of her emotion is all on me. If they can only think of how it was when they were in your shoes. Good luck to you.
Lisa
spicysouthernrum@yahoo.com
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Posted by Wed Sep 10, 2008 7:25pm PDT
Report Abuseoh how i wish i could give you some kind of insight. instead i am anxious to see what kind of responses you get. sounds like the same crap my mother deals out to us, her 4 kids, all the time. it is always on her schedule and how she wants it done. and if you shun her she freaks out and busts out the tears for her pity party from anyone that will give her the time of day. though i do have to admit she hasn't been so bad since she remarried. only down side is that she has now seemed to have forgotten that she has kids and grandkids except for when she needs attention. for example--"this is my oldest daughter (that would be me!) she is 33 y/o!" says my mother. and the other person in the convo says, "WHAT!!! you don't look old enough to have a daughter that old. i was thinking maybe sisters." and she says "oh yeah, i even have 7 grandkids already!"......and i know you see where this is going, right? when 3 of my 4 kids were born she even had to be center of attention then. so thing when my little sis had her 2 babies. my sis and i always says she has some kind of chemical imbalance, and alcohol only seems to feed it. she didn't even show up at or get involved in my first wedding b/c she didn't approve of some of the things my future (ex) mother in law had suggested.
and you know what the when you get right down to it hilarious part of it is? (my sis and i figured this out while she was visiting this past weekend!) she acts like none of the dysfuntional crap ever happened. she tries to always paint our childhood like we were the damn cleavers. go figure.
good luck anyways and congrats on the baby! enjoy him. i love all 4 of mine from 14 y/o to 14 mos to pieces and then some.
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Posted by Tue Sep 16, 2008 9:33pm PDT
Report AbuseWell, as expected, she had a freak out. It was worse than I thought it would be, and now she's got my stepdad turned against me, which really hurts. He's only hearing her side, and he's used to dealing with her drama. If only I had the type of personality where I could tell him that she's blabbing to all my friends that she was going to leave him this past January (something she didn't even tell me, I found out when one of those friends asked me about it later). She's frickin' crazy and I feel like I'm the only one who can see it.
Comments 1-3 of 3
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