As I type this blog I can almost hear you ask, "Why don't you just lose weight?" or maybe, "Do some arm exercises and get rid of that flab!" If only it were that easy.
My weight has been a problem since I was a teenager and in my entire adult life, I have never mustered up the courage to wear tank tops in the summer, or even a t-shirt that didn't have extra long sleeves on it.
When I look at the bat wing flap of fat hanging on the bottom of my arms, it would be easy to say it is the part of my body I hate the most. But then if I just look a bit further, in any direction, I'm equally dissatisfied. I'm a big fat red hot mess from top to bottom.
At 360-ish pounds and 46 years old, I'm sick of being this heavy. I'm also sick of wearing long sleeves to guard the world from having to gaze on my hideous arms. My weight is coming down, my top weight was 440 in May of 2006, but as a life-long dieter who struggles with a serious food addiction, the arms are a few summers away from being fit for display...or so I thought.
The other day I was in the garden digging, weeding, sweating and was wearing not only a tank top, but also shorts that came above my knees. These are things I only wear in private locations and since I was away from any eyes, I didn't think I would make anyone sick from seeing me.
My husband announced I needed to go with him to the grocery store, we didn't have time for me to change and he had to hurry or he would be late for work. He also refused to go alone since I yell at him for buying junk food when he shops alone. He is 165 pounds and can eat anything and not gain weight.
With a blood red face, sweaty curls clinging to my forehead, I climbed in the car, cursing him under my breath. Never mind the heatstroke, I was boiling over from having to go out in public like this. Not only with fat arms exposed, but covered in mud, dirty fingernails and sweat pouring off of me from spending two hours in the garden stooping, grunting and doing all the things that gardeners do.
The reason I had to go with him to the store was actually very sick. The need for food, the craving for ice cream and other things that have made me this fat, was so strong I was willing to suck up my hideous appearance to stock up before he went to work for twelve hours. I know it is shameful and not something to be proud of, but food addiction is one of the most overlooked problems of obesity. This need to eat when I'm not hungry, eat until my stomach actually hurts from the amount of food in it and eat until I weigh 360 pounds is killing me.
In the store I tried to hide behind the cart I was pushing. My bare arms and legs felt like I was in one of those horrible nightmares where you are suddenly standing naked in school, only here I was, wide awake and naked before the ice cream freezer.
Looking at all the cool frozen flavors I tasted everyone of them in my mind as I read the labels. Not the nutrition label mind you, the big label that told me in nice squishy looking letters just what was in the tub.
As my husband grabbed the things for his lunch, I lusted over the ice cream and tried to forget that it felt like the entire store was starring at me. They weren't. Actually, I didn't clock anyone even sneaking a peek at my blubber.
This had me relax almost enough to pick up a half gallon of ice cream. Almost enough. I knew if I reached out that my arms would flap under me, the folds in them wiggling as I grabbed for the good stuff. I just couldn't do it.
Instead I walked around the frozen food section and didn't choose any little "treats" for myself that were naughty. As I'm constantly trying to lose weight, this is something that I can do, I just don't always do it. I said "no" to the ice cream.
My fear of going sleeveless was battered down a bit and I think that I just might try to wear the tops that I bought on a whim (hey, they were only $1. each!) this spring that have no sleeves whatsoever! My tan line will not be from my forearm down and maybe, just maybe, if I quit trying to hide my problem, I'll be able to face it and overcome it.
Priscilla Houliston
Follow me on my daily blog at http://www.LittleChanges.com
