Is it what you weighed in high school? Is it what health experts
suggest you should weigh, based on your age, body frame and body
type?
While weight loss is an admirable goal for a woman who is truly
overweight, many women who want to lose weight don't need
to. In study after study, researchers have found that the
majority of normal weight women think they need to lose 10
or 15 pounds: what I call vanity pounds.
Why is this a problem?
If our happy weight is based on unrealistic expectations, it will cause us much pain and suffering. We'll exhaust ourselves, trying to achieve the impossible. We'll live in fear: when we've lost weight, we're fearful of gaining it back; when we've gained a few pounds, we're fearful that the scale will keep rising. We may delve into all sorts of whacked out behaviors: crash dieting, food obsession, fasting, and overexercising in our desire to reach our goal.
Unrealistic expectations can create an unhealthy focus on our appearance. You can only be 10 pounds underweight if you're working very, very hard: by exercising for hours a day and being very stringent about what you eat. These behaviors can easily morph into an eating disorder.
The flip side, accepting a realistic happy weight, may mean giving up our wishful thinking of being a size 2. This can be painful; I know. But the rewards of letting go of our impossible expectations are many: vitality, feeling satisfied by the variety and amount of food we eat, energy, stable moods, confidence and a healthy appreciation for our appearance instead of obsession. It's also a sure way to temper the jealousy you may feel about other pretty women.
How can you find a weight that is realistic for your body? Here
are 5 tips:
1. Look at the unique factors of your body.
Self
magazine has a calculator to determine your happy weight which
takes into account your age, exercise habits, and if you've had
children. You can also factor in your eating and self-care
habits: Do you have ways of comforting yourself without
turning to food? If not, accept that this may mean weighing a bit
more than you'd like until you have stronger nurturing skills.
As you learn how to care for yourself, your weight may go down. But
accept where you are right now. Then, as Maya Angelou says, as you
know better, you do better. And then you can adjust your goal.
Having realistic expectations is about looking at what is - not
what you'd like to be - and using that information to shape and
mold a positive, yet honest expectation for change.
2. Aim for a healthy body fat percentage. One of
the best ways to compute a realistic happy weight is by basing it
on a healthy body fat percentage. Start by figuring out
your current body fat percentage. Then, you can use this number
to figure out how much of your weight is comprised of core, lean
mass: your organs, muscles, water, and tissues, and how much
of your weight is fat. It can also tell you if your body fat
percentage is in a healthy range. So, if you want 22% body fat,
which is considered a healthy body fat percentage for a woman, you
can see whether you need to lose a few pounds, or if your body is
healthy just as it is. With hard data, and
real numbers, you can see if your expectations are
realistic.
3. Look at media images of women with a critical
eye. Look at window mannequins in most women's
clothing stores, and you'll see a woman whose body fat would
make her underweight. Likewise, the "ideal body" that is
touted in the movie industry, fashion industry and media is also
underweight. This skews our perception, where, as Stanley
Tucci's character in The Devil Wears Prada famously
quippped, a size 2 is the new 6; a size 6, the new size 14.
Separate yourself from these images by recognizing them for what
they are: unrealistic. This doesn't mean turning into the body
image police. When I see celebrities who look clearly underweight,
I bypass judgment. But I do feel compassion for them -- think of
the enormous pressure they must feel to always look their best. I
know I wouldn't want to live with that kind of scrutiny on my
appearance.
4. Give yourself enough time to lose weight. If
you are wanting to lose weight, one of the best ways you can
support yourself is by giving yourself time to accomplish your
goal. You didn't gain weight overnight; you won't lose it
overnight, either. If you're holding onto an unrealistic
expectation about how quickly you can lose weight, you'll
either be discouraged and frustrated because it's taking longer
than you think it "should," or you'll delve into
drastic measures to lose the weight faster, such as starving
yourself, purging, or overexercising. This is being kind to
yourself, allowing time for changes to manifest. It's
nature's way - growth and change take time.
5. Recognize that your happy weight will change over
time. Health is dynamic, not static. Our bodies are always
changing, and life is always in flux. The media focus on Jessica
Simpson was ridiculous because it denied this basic truth. It is
normal for our weight to go up and down, particularly as women. One
year you have a baby; another year, you have major surgery and have
limited exercise capabilities; another year, you're under
tremendous stress and gain weight. All of these things can effect
what a realistic weight is for your body at this
moment in time. Accepting that your ideal weight may be higher than
you'd like - for now - doesn't mean that this will always
be the case. Accept the ebb and flow; the highs and the lows, and
learn to love a weight range for your body, not just one ideal
weight.
We are so much more than a number, but as women in an appearance-conscious society, it is very, very eased to get hooked by the promise of an ideal body. It's easy to believe that it will solve all our pain - our confidence, our needs, our desire for intimacy, acceptance, and belonging.
These needs are valid and important. But the problem is when we use our bodies to feel these needs, instead of our innate worthiness, our beingness. It creates too much pressure, too much focus on one area of our lives. It keeps us from enjoying the present moment, trapped in a place where we are never satisfied; always striving to improve. It keeps us from appreciating what our bodies can do, how we live in them and enjoy their many gifts.
It's a gift to live in a female body. Our beauty should be cherished and appreciated; our sexuality, enjoyed; our strength, celebrated. Yes. While we are not our bodies, we do live in them --- and when we love and care for them, we send a message of love and care for our entire selves.
So, yes, love and care for your body as a loving caretaker, even as a mother lovingly cares for her children. Exercise. Move, sweat, dance, run play. Rest when you're tired. Eat when you're hungry. Feed it whole foods that nourish your particular body (because no one diet is right for everyone.) Breathe. Dream. Release your hurts.
But do so with detachment. Do it out of love, not out of hatred, fear, jealousy or disgust --- I am such a fat cow! ... I am going to run 5 miles because I ate that pizza last night.... I am so sick of being fat ... I hate that skinny b***ch. Love your body with acceptance, embracing every stage and weight of your body, recognizing that your real worth has nothing to do with a number on a scale.
Other articles you may like:
- The Love Your Body Series
- Why Beauty Matters
- Make Small Changes to Improve Your Body Image
- How to Feel Good About Yourself When You Don't Love Your Body
- Get a Positive Body Image by Adding Discipline
- Are You a Perfectionist? 3 Ways to Relax Your Expectations about Your Body
Want more of First Ourselves? Want to transform your relationship with food, your body, and your children through self-care? Sign up for our free newsletters on loving your body, overcoming sugar addiction, and self-care. Or download our free books on body image and sugar addiction.
[photo credit: Getty Images]
