Greg Clarke
Problem: You've been friends forever, but your lives have gone in different directions and you can't afford the same things, like fancy trips and dinners. Do you say so?
Solution: Chances are, your friend is not blind to the fact that you're renting a studio apartment while she's living in luxury. If she forgets, it's perfectly OK to redirect your get-togethers to things in your price range. Say, "I would love to see you on Friday. Could we grab coffee?" If your friend is spending a day at a spa and wants you to go along, suggest meeting her at the end of her spa day for manicures. And if you're very good friends, discuss the issue directly. "Try 'I love you and our time together. However, I'm on a restricted budget and can't drop $50 on lunch. Would it be OK to go to somewhere more moderately priced?'" suggests Jodi Smith, founder and president of Mannersmith, an etiquette consulting firm in Boston. This way, your friend knows you do want to see her -- it's the high prices you're trying to avoid.
From Real Simple: How to Talk to Your Family About Money
Problem: The service at the restaurant was slow, sloppy, and simply not worth 15, let alone 20, percent. Can you skip the tip?
Solution: First be sure you're not penalizing your waiter for a poorly cooked meal -- that's the chef's mistake and should be mentioned to the restaurant's manager. If the waitstaff service was only adequate, consider tipping close to the standard 15 percent of the total bill anyway. Many restaurant workers make less than the minimum wage because employers expect them to make part of their salary in tips. "If the server is deliberately rude or blatantly ignores you, that's a different thing," says Michael Lynn, Ph.D., an associate professor at the Cornell University School of Hotel Administration. "In that case, I would not tip at all, and I would talk to the manager so that he or she knows there was a problem and that I didn't just forget to tip."
Problem: A dear friend breaks your camera and promises to buy you a replacement, then seems to forget the incident. Do you push her to pay up? Or do you let it go and call it an accident?
Solution: Borrowers do have an obligation to replace items they break or lose, says etiquette authority Anna Post, who leads business-etiquette seminars for the Emily Post Institute, in Burlington, Vermont. That's why borrowing -- or lending -- expensive items is not a great idea. "It's fine to remind your friend once with something gentle, such as 'You mentioned replacing the camera, and I just wanted to check in. If you're not able to do it, I'd like to buy myself a replacement soon,'" suggests Post. After a couple of weeks, do just that. There's no reason for you to be without a camera for months while your friend decides whether or not to replace the item.
An exception might be if this is a very good friend, you know she can't afford a replacement, and you're OK with that. Generosity makes for good karma; tell her not to worry about it and use that as an excuse to buy yourself the newest camera model. "Relax and have faith that your friend will make it up to you in her own way sometime in the future -- even if it's years from now," says Smith.
From Real Simple: Your Biggest Money Worries, Solved
Problem: You know someone who always talks too much about her money. What do you say in return?
Solution: Some money talkers love to announce expenditures: "Look at my new anniversary ring. Can you believe it set Jeff and me back $5,000?" Others are hooked on confessing their thriftiness: "I'm so glad you like the book I bought you. It was such a bargain!" Either way, you can tactfully direct the conversation away from money.
To the braggart, say, "Wow! How great for you!" to give your friend the attention she craves. "Then steer the conversation in a new direction," suggests Caroline Tiger, an etiquette expert in Philadelphia. "'Speaking of big rocks, did you hear that they're thinking of drilling for oil in Alaska?'" To the cheapskate, laugh it off with a comment like "Gee, thanks for telling me you spent virtually no money on me," suggests Laurie Puhn, a relationship expert and mediator in New York City. Then reassure the giver that you love the gift no matter what she spent and that you don't need to hear the bargain-bin story on how she got it.
Problem: You've given your nanny money before, and she keeps asking for more. How do you cut her off?
Solution: Sit down with her and say, "When I gave you money last time, I thought I was helping you. But if I keep giving you money that you don't work for in return, I'm not doing the right thing. I'm feeling awkward about it," suggests Dave Ramsey, a financial coach based in Nashville. Does your nanny need to learn about budgeting or take on extra work? Support her as she does those things, but don't help her yourself. Is her pay too low? Check average salaries at www.nanny.org.
If your nanny continues to ask for handouts, it's probably time to part ways, says Pat Cascio, president of the International Nanny Association and the owner of Morningside Nannies, in Houston. Your nanny might be developing an unhealthy "I deserve more" attitude because she sees that your family is financially comfortable.
More from Real Simple:
23 Surprising Things You Can Get for Free
20 Money-Savers That Add Up
Money-Saving Secrets of the Pros
