Manage Your Life
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
6 Steps to deal with people who break boundaries
user
Most people have a sense of
what is and isn't appropriate when it comes to respecting
boundaries. However, we are bound to find individuals who
don't. As much as we strive for healthy relationships,
we inevitably encounter individuals who are
bullies,
toxic or just plain
manipulative. Many of these
people have
little-to-no self-awareness
and feel that they are fully entitled or appropriate in their
behavior. And what's worse is that they frequently get away
with it because others don't stand up to them. This convinces
them that their behavior is acceptable. Here's a news flash:
It ISN'T.
The best thing you can do is firmly establish boundaries.
You'll feel better about yourself and your relationship.
Further, you won't have to succumb to their inappropriate
behavior over and over again:
- Know Who You Are Dealing with: The first step
in this process is to identify those individuals who don't
respect your boundaries. Doing so will keep you on the look-out for
times that boundaries need to be reinforced or put into place.
- Tune-in: Start paying attention to how these
people typically break boundaries. Some questions to ask: Are they
pushy? Do they ask questions you feel uncomfortable answering? Do
they discuss things with you that are inappropriate? Do they
disregard your wishes or needs? Do they always prioritize their
needs before yours?
- Trust Your Gut: If you aren't sure as to
whether or not a boundary is being broken, stop thinking and start
feeling. Does something feel awkward, uncomfortable or wrong? Can
you feel an adrenaline rush, but aren't sure why? Do you feel
nauseous during the discussion? At times, our guts have better
listening skills than our ears. If you can feel a visceral reaction
to the conversation at hand, you can be pretty sure that something
isn't right.
- Think First, Speak Second: Once you realize
boundaries are being broken, think about how you want to react.
Reacting without thinking through your position and what you want
as an outcome can lead to an unresolved situation, potential
"room for discussion" or more broken boundaries down the
line.
- State Your Position: Tell the person who is
breaking a boundary that they are indeed breaking a boundary.
Sugar-coating it...hemming and hawing...playing nice...politely
saying no...often doesn't work with people who perpetually
break boundaries. Unfortunately, many of these boundary breakers
don't have a clue as to the fact that they are crossing a line.
The more obvious you can be, the better.
- Don't Back Down: If the person continues
to push you on a topic, tell them the topic "isn't up for
discussion." The more you stand your ground, the less likely
the person will continue to try to push you on things in the
future. No means no. Inappropriate is inappropriate. And,
boundaries are boundaries.
The more you set boundaries, the easier it will get. Do you have
boundary breakers in your life? How do you handle the
situation?
Related Topics:
Brett is author of “GET REAL” and STOP
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reserved.
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Posted by FeistyChick4U Wed Nov 11, 2009 9:23am PST
Having recently been condemned for "living in my past" I let this man know that unless we remember our past and recall it we might make the smae mistakes. This is part of step 1 in indetifying who we are dealing with. We don't want to date or be around the same types of people to have drama all over again. As a victim of domestic violence and abuse (verbally, physically, emotional) is is imperative you KEEP your boundaries, speak up and get out of a bad relationship if you feel invalidated. This includes a person who just can't apologize for the sake of your feelings. Don't keep vitimizing yourself by allowing boundaries to be broken, even if you think there is "love." Is reminding yourself of your past so awful if it is a good memory? Boundaries are necessary in all relationships with friends, family and loved ones.
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Posted by Sarah18 Wed Nov 11, 2009 9:43am PST
wow great blog im sending it to every1 were did u learn so much
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Posted by Shaman Wed Nov 11, 2009 11:15am PST
Brett is right about these "boundary breakers" being unconscious and not aware of their behavior and how they affect others. There are a lot of sociopaths walking amongst us and sometimes they are hard to spot.....and even harder to figure out if you do find yourself dealing with one ! A person who has a conscience ( can feel it when they hurt someone ) thinks all people have one. The truth is some people don't. They couldn't feel remorse if you beat them over the head with it ! I agree with Brett...listen to your gut. If someone doesn't feel right to you,don't let them walk all over you....cuz they will if you let them.Also....a sociopath is the extreme as far a boundery breakers go. Some people are just dysfunctional and conditioned wrong in their up bringing. Their bounderies were broken so much that they think this is how all people behave. Remember this...we choose who want to let into our lives. Don't get stuck in victim mode. If your an adult you don't need to find these people to keep playing victim. Don't let anyone harm you. Become conscious of the big picture and see yourself in it !!!!
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Posted by justokay Wed Nov 11, 2009 3:37pm PST
This is a great article. I have always had trouble with boundaries. I am a pleaser and I tend to forgive and forget until things get really out of whack. The boundary breakers keep doing more and more damage. I have to really work at stopping it before it gets that bad.
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Posted by MrsKlingonPasadena Wed Nov 11, 2009 3:53pm PST
I don't have these problems with my hubby, but my mother in law is a problem. This is one women that doesn't know her place at all and doesn't respect anyone's boundaries. When first dealing with her, I would let things build up until I exploded. I was always taught to respect my elders so this definitely did more harm than good. But now, I recognize right away when I am being manipulated and I nip it in the bud right away. Respectfully of course. We still are not close, but I realize that you can't be close with everyone and some people are going to find any reason not to like you.
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Posted by Cat Wed Nov 11, 2009 6:52pm PST
ew i know two people who push and cross boundaries everyday !!!
i finally stopped responding to innapproriate emails, texts, call, etc. and only responding to normal friendship conversations. they seem to have gotten the hints!
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Posted by Pearl Wed Nov 11, 2009 8:31pm PST
OH MAN THE WORST BOUNDARY BREAKER I GOT IS SOMEONE TRYING TO TELL YOU HOW TO HANDLE YOUR BABY, AND JUS INVADING YOUR SPACE! I MEAN WHOA WHAT A PAIN IN THE BUTT! ITS SO ANNOYING WHEN A PERSON JUST TRIES TO TAKE OVER AND REFER THEMSELVES AS A MOTHER WHEN THEY ARENT EVEN THE BABIES MOMMY! LIKE WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ALL ABOUT?? I KNOW I AM OFF KEY AND TOTALLY TALKING ABOUT PARENTING BUT HEY GRANDPARENTS CAN TOTALLY BREAK SOME BOUNDARIES AND JUST TAKE IT TO THE EXTREME! EXAMPLE: MY BOYFRIENDS MOTHER TOALLY HAS REFERED HERSELF AS MOM TO MY BABY AND THEN SHE THINKS ABOUT IT AND SAYS OH I MEAN GRANDMA! NOW I CAN UNDERSTAND MAYBE JUST MAYBE YOU SLIP UP ONE TIME BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN A MOTHER AND SHES YOUR FIRST GRANDCHILD BUT DAMN 5 TIMES! NOW SOMETHING IS WRONG AND ITS A BIG ISSUE NOW. BECAUSE WHEN I LET HER BABYSIT HOW DO I NOT KNOW SHE SAYS THAT CRAP BEHIND MY BACK? VERY STRANGE TO ME. AND IT MAKES ME MAD AND SAD!!! DONT TRY TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME. ITS LIKE BEING A MOM IS SUPPOSE TO BE FUN AND ITS TURNING OUT NOT TO BE...OH WHAT TO DO???
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Posted by Liz Thu Nov 12, 2009 3:59am PST
Thank you, thank you thank you for this article. I had to confront inappropriate behavior at work yesterday and I've been obsessing about it all night because I don't like confrontation. I know it was beneficial for the individual as well as all involved and that it was my job to set the boundary, I'm just prone to feeling anxious about confronting manipulators. Your article cleared my head :)
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Posted by Lia Thu Nov 12, 2009 3:59am PST
Well alot of what was said rang true. However, this doesn't help with a work situation where this person is looked up to by others and recently won an award! The issue of boundaries is overlooked in this individual's behavior. The person is in a helping profession and has no business making friends out of patients and their families. This is without mentioning that this coworker tries to micromanage others on the team.
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